Being A Mom Makes Me A Fat Ass...And Other Assorted Lies I Tell Myself

*Before I start ranting about my fatty-fatty-boom-boom lazy ass, I want to say that a dress size 12-14  is not healthy for my body type. I'm healthy at a 6-8. I need a Big Mac and fries at a size 4. That being said; some women are very healthy at a dress size 16-18 and some of the most beautiful curvy, healthy women I know rock out in a size 22-24! Please, focus on being healthy in your own skin! 

Now, back to my fat ass and why it's due to being a mother!

I've decided that being a mom makes me a fat ass. I wasn't so much a fat ass before having a child, so naturally, rather than blame laziness, I'm going to blame the kid! 

Since getting pregnant, I have been telling myself one lie after another about why it's OK to eat what I do, or why it's Ok that my exercise is limited... FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS!

Lie #1-You're pregnant, if your body craves potato chips and cupcakes, eat them!

Your body knows what's best. Besides, this is a wonderful time, enjoy it to the fullest. 

Lie#2- You're breastfeeding. You need an extra 500 calories a day, and you are strapped for time, so eat that THIRD slice of pizza, because who knows when you will eat next.

Lie #3-Once you start chasing a toddler, the fat will melt off.  Don't be hard on yourself. 

Lie #4- Between the kid, work and keeping up the house and shopping, I barely have time to sit down, let alone regularly exercise. 

Lie #5- When it gets warmer outside, I will get back in shape.


 Here's the ugly truth...

Truth #1- I snack on shit all day.  While making Ollie's breakfast, I snack.  While making his lunch, I snack, and while making dinner I snack. AND THEN, I eat breakfast lunch and dinner on top of the snacking. I read somewhere that if you reach for water rather than snacking while preparing meals you could lose up to TEN pounds a year! I know it's true because I'm pretty sure I've gained ten pounds a year doing it!

Truth #2-I don't make time for myself or regular exercise.  It's not like I am doing anything more than those moms who get their asses to the gym regularly.  They have a kid, husband, job, house and all kinds of other shit too! 

Truth #3- If I could just stop grazing like cattle every time I walked into the kitchen and carve out a set hour a day for activity, I could really turn things around. 


Truth #3 sums it up. Every morning I stand in front of the mirror feeling sorry for myself, then go downstairs and make a sugary coffee followed by snacking on what every I make for Ollie and FTD, and if I'm packing lunches too... you'd think I was at an all-you-can-eat buffet. 

I spend my days unorganized and jumping from one task to another. I don't prioritize my activities, nor do I make my needs a priority.  I bought a Pilate's Groupon before Christmas and have yet to use it!  I use to make fun of people who did that. Karma's a fat bitch! 

I have got to get it together!!!


I need a Bob or Jillian to come scream in my face for two weeks to help me jump start!  Because that's the thing, after two solid weeks of eating well and exercising, I will feel so great, I will keep at in, and then within 8 weeks, I will actually enjoy looking in the mirror again.

Ugh. In 8 weeks... 60 days...  I could feel and look great. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

That's it! Starting today, no more snacking. Before I make Ollie's breakfast, I'm going to pour my cereal so I can snack on my own damn food. Before I make dinner, I am going to drink a huge glass of water.  I'm also putting up a post-it note that says, NO MORE SNACKING!  

I'm buying a fabulous dress that's a size 8, and keeping a photo of it on my phone as a screen saver so I can constantly stare at my goal.

I know if I don't do something, and soon, my next post will be about me being even heavier, and more worn-out and out of shape than I am now.  FAIL!  I'm only 36... I shouldn't feel 86.

No more lying to myself.  Being a mother doesn't make me fat, being unorganized and unprioritized does.

Dammit, I CAN DO THIS!!!

Me rollerblading along the Brighton Beach in Melbourne, Australia 2010 months before I got Pregs with Ollie. There's no reason I can't look and feel that fabulous again!

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit