We've Crossed The Potty Training Line. #OnHisTerms #EpicFail

Well, my friends, we are less than two months from Ollie's third birthday, and much to my sadness, he's going to ring in three rocking diapers. Ok, maybe there's still hope for some sort of Divine holiday miracle, but I'm pretty sure I have very little to do with it, since the damn toddler has the ball in his court. Or should I say, diaper.

I'm so sick of trying to walk the fine potty training line.

You know; Be firm, but not too firm.

I've been working that angle for two years, and I'm here to tell you; there is no, "Hey, kid, go use the potty. Of course, only if you want to.", and then POOF he's pooping.

NOT EVEN!

EPIC FREAKING FAIL!

I've learned that if you want to potty train a dragon, stubborn mule, toddler, you need to get a game plan and stick to it.  And you HAVE TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

1. CONSTANTLY say, "Oi. Kid. Potty?" (or something like that) to your toddler ALL DAY LONG!

2. Offer a potty break at every seedy toilet you pass.

3. Bribe the shit out of your kid. I know parenting experts frown upon that, but those experts are wiping my kid's ass.

4.  DO NOT let them see you cry! Have patience like you have never known. You CANNOT get mad or frustrated. Potty training has to be the most delightful pain in your ass you have ever experienced. Think: Oh, honey, it's ok you peed all over the place; including me.  It's not your fault your daddy tried to teach you to pee standing up when mommy wasn't around to threaten his life. I'm proud of you for trying.

5. It's a job. Potty training is work. Hard laborious, annoying, frustrating mind-numbing anxiety-inducing work. But thankfully, like any job, you get paid... in not buying diapers or wipes again. Or so I'm told. I've also been told I'll be wiping his ass until he's five regardless of diapers, but I can't think about that right now.

So, what's holding us back?

The kid.

The kid is holding us back, because now that he has an opinion and agenda, potty training isn't very high on his priority list.

 If I ask him if he has to go, usually he will go. Otherwise, he's not volunteering. Unless, I let him run around free balling, and then he will usually go on his own.

Usually.

Potty Training is like being stuck on a train from hell driven by a toddler. My kid knows he has the ball in his diaper, and I'm just a pawn in the game.

Dammit.

Parenting.