FYI: It Was Kroger, Target and Costco FTD And The Kid Got Banned From, Not Walmart.

On numerous occasions I've been forwarded a copy of a letter that's (supposedly) been sent to a poor unfortunate wife about her husband's repeated shenanigans in Walmart, asking if it's really about FTD. I get it, that damn Aussie is always up to no good. Thankfully, while FTD is guilty of most all of the things on the list, in one form or another, it's not about him.

In honor of FTD's real shenanigans, I thought I would set the record straight with a list of things he's actually done... (get comfortable, it's a long ass list...)

Before I get into what FTD has actually done, here is the original message I always get...

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15, 2014: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2, 2014: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7, 2014: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19, 2014: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4, 2014: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14, 2014: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15, 2014: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23, 2014: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

You see, I don't blame anyone for thinking this was about FTD due to the many, many, many, many stories of his shenanigans I've shared. However, I guarantee this was not him for two reasons:

1. That list reads like amateur hour compared to FTD's handy work.

2. Since FTD is Australian and thus did not grow up visiting, "Wally World," the shenanigans he sees every time he patronizes that shitshow are so mesmerizing, he forgets to pull his own shenanigans. 

Anyways, about FTD and excerpts from the letters (yes, plural!) I would receive...

From my girlfriend after her son's birthday party...

Dear April, Your husband using the balloon swords from my son's birthday party to give toys a "schwantzal" is not awesome.  In the future, please leave him in the car.  

Excerpts from multiple letters I would receive from multiple stores:

Dear April, 

While we are thankful for your years of support, the GM's of your local Kroger, Target, Old Navy, Home Depot, Costco and Whole Foods have to ask you to leave your husband at home, or at the very least, in the car from now on. 

Below are issues we have had with him that have been documented by our surveillance cameras. 

Kroger- Your husband's repeated issues with this store can no longer be overlooked. The line was drawn after witnessing him attempt to have "motorized handicrapper-wheeler thingo" races against your toddler, then wearing a wolf mask through the store while singing Willy Wonka songs. Yes, he is correct, the other shoppers loved it, however, we need to discourage that from happening in the future.    

Home Depot: I understand you repeatedly asked your husband, "not to take the toilet for a test drive," yet, he still insisted it was important that he, "demonstrate how to crap in the can for the toddler." We simply cannot have that happening. Please leave him in the car. 

Costco- Between your husband and child putting on concerts in the aisles, climbing into the playhouses and trying to ride every toy in the store, they are no longer welcome. 


Target: Our surveillance shows him skateboarding and/or hoopla hooping while wearing an Incredible Hulk mask and wielding a light saber. Also, his insistence on screwing with our electronics team, asking for parts that don't really exist just to see "if they bullshit a story to look smart" is not cool. Please leave him and your toddler at home, we don't even want them in the parking lot, we heard about what they did at Kroger. 

Old Navy. It's come to our attention that your husband is responsible for switching the heads on the mannequins. There is no excuse for switching the dog's head with a little girl's head. We appreciate the bribe money you send every month to allow you to keep shopping with us, but we are sorry to say, no sum of money will do anymore. 

All the best,

Every GM from Every store you have ever visited. (Except Walmart) 

P.s. The Girl Scouts of America will be sending a separate letter about his run-in with the team leader over his confusion with the pronunciation of Tagalong cookies. For the hundredth time, it's NOT Tagnuts! 

My friends, it certainly has been a wild 2014... Thankfully, FTD has yet to actually get in trouble for his shenanigans, in fact, in most cases people laughed and cheered him on!  Still,  for me it's embarrassing as hell. Please pray for me and my ability to shop at local stores in 2015.

(To read about why the Girl Scouts of America most likely have a restraining order against my entire family, click here.)

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit