Who's Ready For T-Day, TD's and Dysfunction?!

It feels like just yesterday I was getting over the trauma of the 2013 holidays... oh wait, it was. I still am!  I tell you, the holidays can completely consume me if I let them, and not in a good way.  I can get so wrapped in buying the perfect gifts, making the perfect dishes, finding the perfect holiday party outfits. Then there is the juggling family celebrations, so no one feels left out, and everyone gets their gifts in a timely manner; especially my six nephews and two nieces--the four Aussies mean early shipping too. And then there is always my high hopes for New Year's eve-- Every year I secretly wish for the ultimate night.  Like my dream is to watch the first sunrise of the year sitting on the beach in New Zealand with one of my favorite people. (Shay, LOVE YOU!) 

Yes, the holidays can really get me wound up so tight I could shit diamonds. Well, this year, I'm not having it. What I am having is everyone over to my house! Being that we have this new fabulous house, I have declared to my family that the first holiday season will be spent within it's four walls.  After years of driving all over hell's half acre to appease and see all of my friends and family during the holidays, it's time they brought their sweet bottoms to my house!

Ok, well... I know I said no stress, but there is one thing...

The Thanksgiving feast!  Seeing as how I have never made one, the thought of cooking a turkey freaks me out.  Anyone who has seen National Lampoons Christmas Vacation knows just how wrong things can go...

Being the ever resourceful girl that I am, I came up with a genius plan...

Before inviting everyone over for Turkey day and touchdowns, I made out my desired menu: Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes... then called each person to invite them personally, then when they asked what they could bring, I replied with one of my menu items, until the last person was instructed to bring ice and drinks.  


Right down to my brother bringing a Turducken! 

So what am I doing for Thanksgiving? Buying paper plates and plastic cups and utensils, so I can really be a super hostess by not slaving over food or dishes!

Venue: My house
Food: Not my problem
Dishes: Not my problem

Wouldn't that really be amazing if it worked out?  Do I expect it? Absolutely not!  I know my family and the strange dysfunction the holidays instills. Here's how it's gonna go down.

Half the guests will be late, with at least one person/family being REALLY late, which will piss someone off enough to accelerate their drinking, so once the late comer walks through the door shit will hit the fan. Those two will spend the next hour or so not speaking until the late comer drinks enough to get on the level of the pissed off one, and try to hash it out. This will result in either a bigger fight or a few, "I love you, I'm sorrys."

The food will be a potluck of epic proportions.  No one in my family is capable of making anything by the recipe. My brother will bring the turducken. My sister horseradish roasted garlic and possibly white cheddar mashed potatoes; my mom will bake four pies and pull off a fresh cranberry relish with orange zest and jalapenos... And just because FTD totally doesn't get the holiday, he is making meat pies.  

Then, once I pull out the paper plates, my mother will lose her shit, tell me how she knew I would do that, and then run to her car to get the China she brought, "Just in case."  While she is out getting the China, I will be rallying my siblings to help me talk mom into the easy clean-up plan.  Knowing full;l well she will wave us away and insist that she LOVES doing the dishes, and will take care of it.

Once the China is laid out, with my mis-matched silver, and the food hits the table, corralling three toddlers, and two pre-teens will commence. No doubt, this will go incredibly well. 

Then, once all are seated, the decision on who will say the prayer will commence.  Its usually is my mom, since historically my nephews manage to squeeze in a fart/poop joke, my siblings and I are not mature enough either, so my mom says the 45-minute blessing, while everyone sneaks bites.

Once the meal is over, talk of parades to the toilet will be held by the men in between screaming at the football game on TV, the women will be fighting child fingers out of the pies, and the elderly will fall asleep before their plates are removed from in front of them.

My friends, I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT!!!!!!!

I love my super jacked up dysfunctional family. They make me feel normal. Every year I tell myself I will not let the holidays win.  They will not eat me alive.  I will not let the stress overtake the fun. My mantra this year is: Be laid back.  Don't worry, I'll let you know how that wrks out for me.

What about you? Is your T-day full of dysfunction and touchdowns?

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com