I Feel Like I Start Every Sentence With... No, Honey, We Don't...

Somedays, I feel like I start every sentence with, "No, Honey/Ollie, we don't..." And then finish with whatever dumbassery the toddler is up to. You know...

No, Ollie, we don't...
  • Color on the walls.
  • Terrorize the cat.
  • Go outside without clothes/diaper/shoes on.
  • Jump on the bed/furniture/mommy's bladder/daddy's head when he is sleeping.
  • Throw our toys.
  • Announce every time we fart/"take a dump". (FTD is responsible for this one.)
  • Eat cupcakes/cookies/ice cream for breakfast/lunch/dinner.
  • Climb up the drawers to get on the kitchen counters.

You get the picture...

So what is this, "We" business anyway!  It's not like I'm the one announcing farts!

I've decided that I say, No, honey we don't, because "No" alone is pointless.  Every parent of a toddler knows to a toddler, the word,"no" alone with no further explanation means, HELL YES, DO THAT SHIT!!!  So needless to say, I'll say any phrase necessary to get my toddler to listen and stop doing "that shit!" 

I'm convinced this "We don't..." business somehow makes more sense to him. Like our pack doesn't do that, so you shouldn't either, and then magically he gets it. I also realize most times he is only listening because I am either holding him back, dressing him or taking something away simultaneously to drive home the, "We don't..." 

What's really got me on this topic is the way I say it to him. It comes out in this pitiful tone that sound more like, "Oh you poor boy, that's dumbassery?" Where as, when he is super naughty he gets the full angry tone of, NO! You don't do that because it is dumbassery and you know it! 

So after WAY too much thought on this, I realized I say the two depending on wether or not I want to be grouped into the dumbassery...

For example:

If Ollie announces his fart, he gets..

NO, Ollie, we don't announce our farts... 

If ollie farts on the neighbor's dog, he gets 

OLLIE! NO! That's naughty! You don't fart on the neighbors dog!

(Yes, it's happened-- he laughed so hard he farted again, then everyone laughed, and well, thanks to the hysterical laughter by all, he tried every time he saw that little dog until the day we moved. Yes, that's a whole other post...)

So you see...  the moral of the story... actually, I don't know. Other than, raising a toddler is funny and annoying at the same time, and I say the most ridiculous shit out loud on a daily basis.  

**Ok, now it's your turn, I want to hear your latest, "No, honey, we don't..." I know you have one... every parent does!

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com