I Feel Like I Start Every Sentence With... No, Honey, We Don't...

Somedays, I feel like I start every sentence with, "No, Honey/Ollie, we don't..." And then finish with whatever dumbassery the toddler is up to. You know...

No, Ollie, we don't...
  • Color on the walls.
  • Terrorize the cat.
  • Go outside without clothes/diaper/shoes on.
  • Jump on the bed/furniture/mommy's bladder/daddy's head when he is sleeping.
  • Throw our toys.
  • Announce every time we fart/"take a dump". (FTD is responsible for this one.)
  • Eat cupcakes/cookies/ice cream for breakfast/lunch/dinner.
  • Climb up the drawers to get on the kitchen counters.

You get the picture...

So what is this, "We" business anyway!  It's not like I'm the one announcing farts!

I've decided that I say, No, honey we don't, because "No" alone is pointless.  Every parent of a toddler knows to a toddler, the word,"no" alone with no further explanation means, HELL YES, DO THAT SHIT!!!  So needless to say, I'll say any phrase necessary to get my toddler to listen and stop doing "that shit!" 

I'm convinced this "We don't..." business somehow makes more sense to him. Like our pack doesn't do that, so you shouldn't either, and then magically he gets it. I also realize most times he is only listening because I am either holding him back, dressing him or taking something away simultaneously to drive home the, "We don't..." 

What's really got me on this topic is the way I say it to him. It comes out in this pitiful tone that sound more like, "Oh you poor boy, that's dumbassery?" Where as, when he is super naughty he gets the full angry tone of, NO! You don't do that because it is dumbassery and you know it! 

So after WAY too much thought on this, I realized I say the two depending on wether or not I want to be grouped into the dumbassery...

For example:

If Ollie announces his fart, he gets..

NO, Ollie, we don't announce our farts... 

If ollie farts on the neighbor's dog, he gets 

OLLIE! NO! That's naughty! You don't fart on the neighbors dog!

(Yes, it's happened-- he laughed so hard he farted again, then everyone laughed, and well, thanks to the hysterical laughter by all, he tried every time he saw that little dog until the day we moved. Yes, that's a whole other post...)

So you see...  the moral of the story... actually, I don't know. Other than, raising a toddler is funny and annoying at the same time, and I say the most ridiculous shit out loud on a daily basis.  

**Ok, now it's your turn, I want to hear your latest, "No, honey, we don't..." I know you have one... every parent does!

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Anonymous said...

No honey we don't....put daddy's deodarant on our necks. She's obsessed with using my husbands all over her neck and chest lol

April said...

No honey, we don't put food in our ears..,,, sit in our brother..... Walk on the couch......... My list is endless.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ollie does that with lotion.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Sit on our brother.... CLASSIC!!! 😂

Anonymous said...

Me! I want to play! So much fun!

No, honey, we don't...holler at mommy immediately upon waking for the day for a bana (banana). We ask nicely. AFTER we give mommy a good morning hug! Stinker.

No, honey...we don't smear our snot on mommy's work clothes. Please get a tissue.

No honey, we don't...throw sand in mommy and daddy's bed! Stays in the sandbox, OUTSIDE.

No honey, we don't...step in the sobbing mess of pee with our socks on. We take our socks off first. HA.


FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

I have tears in my eyes from laughing!! I've had sand in my bed too!!!

Anonymous said...

No honey we don't carry the kitty by her throat.

Not honey we don't poo poo in the floor (right next to the potty).

And LENNON DODSON YOU BETTER GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE! when he starts pulling on plugs.

Kelly Mock said...

Your posts always crack me up! I am sure I will have plenty of moments like these one day...I know I have with the kiddos I have nannied! For example: "No honey, we don't pee in the trash can!"- seriously!

Nathalie said...

No honey, we don't:

Point our penis to the ceiling when we stand at the potty....pick our nose, pick anyone else's nose...jump off the table...jump on the table...tell Grandma to go away...tell Mommy to go to another house....lick lotion....that sums up my morning anyway. :)

April McCormick said...

@Kelly, Oh yes, my friend, you will have plenty of those "We" moments.

@Nathalie ROLFL!!! Tell grandma to go away... Tell mommy to go to another house!! Tooo Funny! I love how they think they are the boss.

Anonymous said...

We don't play with our poop. Because, ya know, other people play with their poop, but we don't. This was really funny, thanks for sharing.

Felicia said...

It's been a while since I had a toddler but my favorite was always no honey, we don't color on the other children with markers.

*she would attack (in an nice artistic way) any willing child at the babysitters with a range of marker's. It was amazing how fast she could move and have a child colored and herself colored for that matter. I have seen countless colors on the bottoms of her feet.

Alissa said...

No honey we don't go head first down the slide... or we don't dump buckets of sand on other kids heads...

April McCormick said...

I've said both of those too!

Rubina said...

Parenting sometimes takes us into amazing world .... hard to decide laugh or cry.

for mom, dad and kids - http://bit.ly/1MAbMIG

Ms.Jack said...

Haha.. I feel like that's all I say to my 2yr old Payton... She thinks she's the boss

No honey we don't
Pour power on the floor ( told me it's snowing in her room)

Play in the potty after youve used it

Put body lotion in your hair to make it look pretty

We def don't pour water out of the bath tub so the fish can swim ( I have adhesive fish on a few tiles in the bathroom)

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