And The Award For World's Worst Sleeper Goes To... My Kid.

I would like to extend a huge congratualtions to the parents who thought their kid would win this award, but did not. Did you really think you had a chance when my son won this award last year by a LANDSLIDE?  I imagine we will win this award until he is 15.  Which, at that point I expect I will be begging him to WAKE -UP instead of begging him to... See photo below.

Yes, this is a real book. You should hear Samuel L. Jackson read it...FUNNY! 
Since my sweet little bundle of non-sleeping joy came into this world, he has been testing the theory that humans need minimal sleep to survive.  Not only has he been testing this theory for babies and now toddlers, but adults as well. So far, the results of the test point to it's true, humans only need minimal sleep to survive. Albeit, we turn into evil psychotic bitchy humans, but, we function nonetheless.

I can hear my bestie, mother of two, telling me that children do not sleep well until they are four. I can hear her saying that because she has been saying it to me since my son was four-months old and showing no signs of sleeping through the night, unlike the rest of the four-month-olds I knew. Silly me, since my son was 6-weeks old I started hoping he would sleep through the night like those BS happy sleeping kid books said.

FYI: Those books were WAY off, because he is two-years and four-months old now, and STILL NOT SLEEPING WELL! MOTHERFU%#&#(@)#!!!!!!

You see, your child will NEVER take the award for world's worst sleeper from my kid, he has been sleeping like shit his entire life, he is a professional.  

Ollie started sleeping through the night when he was about 18-months old.  And by sleeping through the night, I mean, 7:30pm to 5:30/6:00am. Now, at 2 years old, I can count the number of times he has slept past 7am on one hand! Seriously. I blame nursing for the crappy sleep the first half of his life. He would wake up wanting to nurse every couple of hours until he was 18-months. Now, I don't know what the hell his problem is!

The only thing I know for sure about my kid is that, the later he goes to sleep, the earlier he wakes up.   If he goes to sleep between 7:30-8:30 he will sleep until 6:30. If he goes to sleep anytime past 8:30 he wakes up the equivalent before 6:30.  So if he goes to sleep at 9pm, he wakes up at 6am. 10pm bedtime he wakes up at 5am. It's SO maddening! Even when we go to a friends house, and he plays like an animal ALL NIGHT with another child and not leave until 9pm, he will not fall asleep in the car on the way home, he will sit there wide eyed, waiting for his bath and night-time story, and then once asleep at 10pm, still wake up at the ass-crack of dawn (5am) ready to get on with his day.

So again I have to say... You see, your child will NEVER take the award for world's worst sleeper from my kid, he has been sleeping like shit for his entire life, he is a professional.  

So what about naps?  Those are hit or miss, and follow the same rule of sleeping thumb. His nap time is between 12:30-1pm. If he goes down earlier or later, he will only sleep for 45-60 minutes. Randomly, he will sleep for three hours. But on average, he sleeps for about two hours... As long as I sit very still and quietly after the first hour.  That's right, he sleep like the dead the first hour, the next one or two is iffy.

Of course, I have read every sleeping book, consulted his pediatrician, asked friends, family and even strangers on occasion.  It turns out, genetics and sissy parenting are to blame.  FTD and I are not tough on Ollie about sleeping, we never have been.  We did not attempt any form of Cry-It-Out. When our pediatrician recommended putting up a baby gate, we ignored him. When he would wake up at 5am, one of us would get up and play with him. When we were told not to feed him until 7am, we would feed him earlier if he was hungry. Plain and simple, we suck and are to blame for our lack of sleep.

I do have one caveat, we lived in a condo with paper thin walls, so to keep the neighbors from completely hating us, we did what needed to be done to limit the crying. Well, now we live in a house... and it's time for a baby gate... I think... ok, shit, it's not. I CAN'T DO IT!!

I am so afraid of traumatizing this kid. I don't want him to be afraid of sleep, or his room, or me! I also don't think my sanity can last another two years to see if my friends theory about children not sleeping well until four is really true.

And what's sparked all of this is that, for the past two weeks he has been waking up at 5:30am.  It's devastating. He was really sick, so I blamed that, now... I have no idea what his deal is. Ugh. I got nothing, other than my prayers every night that Ollie will sleep until 7am.

What about you?  Do you or did you have a terrible sleeper?  What do/did you do to fix the madness?

It's that time of the month again... the one where I beg for votes... Please, if you love me, pity me... Please click the banner below to throw an automatic vote my way!

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit