I walked up to the fitting room attendant and proudly said, "I have 10 things!" Like somehow she would know this was a huge feat for me. My post baby body left me with massive Double D's and a rather round bottom stacked on short legs, so finding things that fit my funny figure is near impossible. As always, I chose the fitting room all the way in the back. (I think it's more private...) I immediately began stripping down, excited to try on all of the new things I had found.
As I attempted to get my huge post baby breast into the first top without any success, my first reaction was that I must have picked up an extra-small by accident... Nope. It was a large top. So naturally, I decided it was an issue of the designer running extra small, not me running extra large. On to the next top... Same Thing. Next top... Same thing... slightly devastated I moved on to the pants and dresses I found...
More of the same.
I stood there staring at my body in that terrible fun house fatty mirror, under those horrifying neon tube lights and thought, this cannot be accurate! I am not this big and out of shape. Am I?
I am.
I took the two pairs of pants that fit in one hand, scooped up the eight things that did not work, and made my way back to the attendant. As I handed over my clothes, I just wanted to cry. Instead, I fought back my tears, put the two pants the worked back on the rack, and made my way out of the store. The second the door closed on my car the tears started pouring down my face. I don't want to be in this body anymore. I don't want feel this unhealthy anymore. I don't want to lose my breath chasing my son down the hall of our home anymore.
As I sat in my car crying and feeling sorry for myself for the four hundredth time since having my son, I said enough! ENOUGH!
When I got pregnant I was a size 8/10. By the time I delivered my son, I was a size 16. Then to add insult to injury, I went up a size in the first 6 months! How in the hell that happened... especially when I was told from before birth that not to worry, if I breastfeed the weight will, "fall right off." When that did not happen, I had other mother's tell me not to be discouraged that at the year mark the weight will start to, "fall right off." Well, bullshit! No weight has fallen off. Full disclosure, I have not changed back to my healthy eating habits, I have not been exercising regularly, I have not been proactive in anyway to lose the weight. I have been lazy waiting for the weight to just, "fall right off." Well, that shit is not going to fall right off, it's not even going to shift, it's only going to grow. And I have HAD IT! I don't want to be in this body anymore. I don't want to feel this bad about my body image anymore.
I dried my tears and started on a mission for change.
I have been hiding behind the fact that I gave birth to a human. This was huge, and unfortunately it made me huge. It's been two years. There are no more excuses. It's time to gain control. It's time to be proactive!
I went to the store and bought healthy food for me, not just Ollie like I had been doing. I bought a couple bottles of water with the intent to drink and refill one ten times a day. Later that night, I went online to Groupon and bought the three-month pass to a Yoga/Palates/Barre studio by my house I had my eye on.
This is not about getting "skinny." This is about being healthy, having energy and an overall better outlook on my life and future. This is about finding the missing me... Finding the woman I so dearly miss that is hidden underneath layers of fat and obsessive mothering.
If this resonates with you, please gain some control too. Please don't cry in the car anymore. Please don't feel sorry for yourself anymore. Make the change immediately. Be proactive.
UPDATE: I wrote this post a couple of days ago and held on to it. I wasn't sure if I would post it because it is... well... I don't know. But, hey, if help one person then it is worth it...
I did go to the Yoga class and it was AMAZING. But it was also very intimidating. Even though I practiced Yoga for years before having Ollie, I chose to start in a beginner class. I needed to gauge where my body was. This was great because I could tell the other four people in the class were new and intimidated too. (Beginner classes are a great place to start, take them!) Mid-way through the class I was so full of energy and joy. I was really there, really making a difference in my life.
When I got home, FTD and Ollie clapped and cheered for me. FTD was so proud that I was finally doing something. After all of the complaining about my unhealthy body and ways...
He is now my biggest fan...
Side Note: Because of my new drive for wellness, over the next few months I have 30/30 Challenges that anyone can do on any level starting up. There will be giveaways that are geared towards weightless and wellness for the whole family too! Of course, all of this will be in addition to the normal parenting rants. I promise this blog is not going to turn into a self-righteous, look at me and my weightless, blog. I hate those.
9 comments:
"When I got home, FTD and Ollie clapped and cheered for me. FTD was so proud that I was finally doing something. After all of the complaining about my unhealthy body and ways..."
That is the BEST thing. EVER.
Last night, I told Brian, "I NEED your help. I cannot do this alone. I've tried for 2 years and it's not working. I need your support. Instead of eating pizza, I want to eat salad. I want to go to the gym no matter how tired we are from the commute. No matter how cold. I need you to be in this with me."
Oh I feel ya hun! The scary thing is, even when the scales finally spat out the number I wanted to see (exactly 2 weeks before baby number 2 started cooking, so yep I was my goal size for a whole fortnight) my body still looked totally different. Apparently muscle tone is only for hollywood peoples and pre-baby biatches!
I'm in this with you!! I will support you. And you can support me! WE CAN DO THIS!! Think of those "biggest losers" who are four times our size... well they were, now that are HALF our size. Yeah, if they can do it, we have NO excuse!
NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOO! Say it ain't so! I'll do it. Dammit. Really, I just want to feel more energized and healthy. But, a hard ass and abs would not be so bad...
So PROUD of you. My daughter will be 2 next week and I have been waiting for the weight to fall off! I am 35 and for the first time in my life I have to watch everything I eat or I just keep packing on the lbs. I have been going to the local community center (its free) to work out 3x a week for the past month. I haven't really lost any weight but I feel so much better. I hope you stick with it! Its nice to see we are all have our struggles and we can encourage each other!
"I am 35 and for the first time in my life I have to watch everything I eat or I just keep packing on the lbs." THIS IS ME TOO!!! I'm 35 and never had trouble before. I was sure my metabolism would sort my baby weight out. Ugh.
Today I went to my second Yoga class and for the first time in a long time I didn't need a caffeine packed beverage mid day to make it through until bedtime. I am definitely sticking with it! WE CAN DO IT!!!
I've been there, where the scale is not your friend. Look at how your clothes fit instead. Maybe the inches are going, even if the scale doesn't say it :)
This is so true! I refuse to own a scale for this reason. Pre-baby if my clothes were tight, I would pull back on the sugars and crap snacks, if they were loose I'd have a guilt free stout beer at happy hour! It's all about the fit and being healthy.
This just made me cry at work. I am only 22 and I feel like I am my mother's age because I am always conscious of what I eat, and when I do eat what I want I feel so bad! My daughter is 1, and just like you they told me that the weight would fall right off and I'm definitely at the point where I hate to go to the mall because I'm scared of seeing what size I ACTUALLY wear. (I'm still wearing some of my maternity clothes). And it doesn't help that my family tells me that I can lose the weight bu no one helps!
But you're right! I'm sick of the way that I look so I'm going to start the 30/30 challenge, and stop using having my baby w/ me all the time as an excuse! If my boyfriend can't watch her, then she's going to the gym with me lol.
Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone!!
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