I Don't Want To Be In This Body Anymore.

Last night, I escaped from FTD and the man-child for some alone time. A new Nordstom Rack opened in the area, so I decided to run over and check it out. I have to say, I was expecting the prices to be well out of my freelance writer's budget, but when I quickly found they were not, I started ripping things off the racks left and right!  Within ten minutes, I was ready for my first trip to the fitting rooms.

I walked up to the fitting room attendant and proudly said, "I have 10 things!" Like somehow she would know this was a huge feat for me. My post baby body left me with massive Double D's and a rather round bottom stacked on short legs, so finding things that fit my funny figure is near impossible. As always, I chose the fitting room all the way in the back. (I think it's more private...) I immediately began stripping down, excited to try on all of the new things I had found.

As I attempted to get my huge post baby breast into the first top without any success, my first reaction was that I must have picked up an extra-small by accident... Nope. It was a large top. So naturally, I decided it was an issue of the designer running extra small, not me running extra large. On to the next top... Same Thing. Next top... Same thing... slightly devastated I moved on to the pants and dresses I found...

More of the same.

I stood there staring at my body in that terrible fun house fatty mirror, under those horrifying neon tube lights and thought, this cannot be accurate!  I am not this big and out of shape. Am I?

I am.

I took the two pairs of pants that fit in one hand, scooped up the eight things that did not work, and made my way back to the attendant. As I handed over my clothes, I just wanted to cry. Instead, I fought back my tears, put the two pants the worked back on the rack, and made my way out of the store. The second the door closed on my car the tears started pouring down my face. I don't want to be in this body anymore. I don't want feel this unhealthy anymore. I don't want to lose my breath chasing my son down the hall of our home anymore.

As I sat in my car crying and feeling sorry for myself for the four hundredth time since having my son, I said enough! ENOUGH!

When I got pregnant I was a size 8/10. By the time I delivered my son, I was a size 16. Then to add insult to injury, I went up a size in the first 6 months! How in the hell that happened... especially when I was told from before birth that not to worry, if I breastfeed the weight will, "fall right off."  When that did not happen, I had other mother's tell me not to be discouraged that at the year mark the weight will start to, "fall right off."  Well, bullshit! No weight has fallen off.  Full disclosure, I have not changed back to my healthy eating habits, I have not been exercising regularly, I have not been proactive in anyway to lose the weight.  I have been lazy waiting for the weight to just, "fall right off."  Well, that shit is not going to fall right off, it's not even going to shift, it's only going to grow. And I have HAD IT!  I don't want to be in this body anymore. I don't want to feel this bad about my body image anymore.

I dried my tears and started on a mission for change.

I have been hiding behind the fact that I gave birth to a human.  This was huge, and unfortunately it made me huge.  It's been two years.  There are no more excuses. It's time to gain control. It's time to be proactive!

I went to the store and bought healthy food for me, not just Ollie like I had been doing. I bought a couple bottles of water with the intent to drink and refill one ten times a day.  Later that night, I went online to Groupon and bought the three-month pass to a Yoga/Palates/Barre studio by my house I had my eye on.

This is not about getting "skinny." This is about being healthy, having energy and an overall better outlook on my life and future.  This is about finding the missing me...  Finding the woman I so dearly miss that is hidden underneath layers of fat and obsessive mothering.

If this resonates with you, please gain some control too. Please don't cry in the car anymore.  Please don't feel sorry for yourself anymore.  Make the change immediately.  Be proactive.

UPDATE: I wrote this post a couple of days ago and held on to it.  I wasn't sure if I would post it because it is... well... I don't know.  But, hey, if help one person then it is worth it...

I did go to the Yoga class and it was AMAZING.  But it was also very intimidating.  Even though I practiced Yoga for years before having Ollie, I chose to start in a beginner class.  I needed to gauge where my body was.  This was great because I could tell the other four people in the class were new and intimidated too. (Beginner classes are a great place to start, take them!)  Mid-way through the class I was so full of energy and joy. I was really there, really making a difference in my life.

When I got home, FTD and Ollie clapped and cheered for me.  FTD was so proud that I was finally doing something.  After all of the complaining about my unhealthy body and ways...

He is now my biggest fan...

Side Note: Because of my new drive for wellness, over the next few months I have 30/30 Challenges that anyone can do on any level starting up. There will be giveaways that are geared towards weightless and wellness for the whole family too! Of course, all of this will be in addition to the normal parenting rants.  I promise this blog is not going to turn into a self-righteous, look at me and my weightless, blog. I hate those.

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com