A NEWS FLASH for New Dads

(Being that I am still trying to catch up on sleep and life since hosting my wonderful Mother-in-law for nearly three weeks, I decided to dive into the FTM&D archives for a fun post to provide your hump day humor today. My friends do I have a treat for you!  I wrote this over a year and a half ago when the man-child was only 6-months-old… )

While having lunch with a friend we both started getting the, "Where are you?" and "How much longer will you be?" texts from our husbands, who were home watching the children. We had only been away for about an hour at this point, and needless to say, we were both annoyed by the texts. We started trading stories about our husbands, and the awards and praise they think they should receive for various things they do with THEIR OWN CHILD!

After a little back-and-fourth my girlfriend and I came up with a news flash we wanted to send to our husbands...

Dear Dad: NEWS FLASH...
  1. You are not going to win an award for spending 2 hours alone with your baby.  I know this because I have spent 8 hours alone with our baby and all I got was... Not a damn thing! #NiceTry
  2. Just because you just finished bathing him does not mean he will not pee all over you and the change table. Nor did he save his pee to mess with you.  #GetOverYourself
  3. Gosh, it is a shame he spit his food all over you. That's what happens when you feed someone who just learned how to blow raspberries. Clearly, he thinks it’s way more fun with a mouth full of squash. I promise he did not do it because he thinks the squash is "torture food," and prefers a "man-steak." Babies eat squash. #WearARainCoatNextTime.
  4. No, I do not feed him ExLax apples. He poops a lot. That’s what babies do. Stop acting like it’s going to kill you to see and smell it. #GetAFaceMask
  5. I did not have our baby so you could have a full-time playmate. I'm tired of pissing on about rules and routines. The baby follows them, why can't you? #GetWithTheProgram
  6. I will continue to bitch and complain about being tired until I get 8 hours of sleep, just like you! #NoSleepNoNice
  7.  If you do not help me clean the house, do not complain about it not being spotless.  #CallTheMerryMaids
  8. Now that we have a baby, if you want a four course meal every night for dinner I suggest you buy a cookbook. #ChefBoyRDad
  9. Of course I love you. Our son just needs a lot of attention right now.  I’m trying to pay attention to you too. But, you are a big boy. You can feed yourself and wipe your own ass.  I’ll attend to you when necessary. #18YearsFromNow
  10. He is a baby, he needs constant attention. You cannot play on your computer or watch TV and expect him to sit quietly and watch! #ByeByePlaystation
  11. BONUS:  Talking to our son and stimulating him before bed time is the same as calling out BeetleJuice three times in a row.#CrazyPersonWillAppear #ME  #SHUT IT  
What is your News Flash for your significant other?

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com