The Toddler Code of Conduct-Twenty Rules Toddlers Live By...

After observing my toddler, and talking with other parents of toddlers, I am convinced that the little buggers have the following Code of Conduct hard wired into their DNA...

1.  You are the alarm clock for the entire family,  it is your job to wake everyone up at the ass crack of dawn every day. Every. Single. Day.  
2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house.  Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.   
3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes.  You have to constantly keep moving.  NEVER SLOW DOWN!
4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.
5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jump up and down while making your best "oh you are going to be REALLY sorry," face, then fall to the floor and start flopping about in protest; scream and cry extra loud if you are in public.

6.  If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.
7.  Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in-charge. 
8.  NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER!  Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well. 
9.   You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don’t, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess.  That will show them! 
10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to; playing at your parent’s feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important. 
11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books too, rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute. 
12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture.  If poop does not get everywhere than you have failed.13.  Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky this will buy you five more minutes on the slide. 
14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE! 
15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood - talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you. 
16. EVERYTHING in this word belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you - store them in the toilet. 
17.  Your Mantra is, “Catch me if you can you silly fool.” 
18.   “No!” means, Good Job!  Keep doing that! 
19.  NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked. 
20. And last… The most important code of toddler conduct… For every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin' to ensure complete forgiveness.


BONUS!  The Property Laws of a Toddler.  (I didn't make this up, another genius did.)


Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Kristy J said...

Oh shit is this what I have to look forward to? AJ does have #6 committed to heart and memory.
This post was awesome BTW

Unknown said...

Ha! I swear you wrote this after watching our household through the spy cam ;) As always, thank you for adding humor to a normally hair-pulling-out situation!

Jess said...

Hahaha I definitely think you have it spot on! Arianna isn't a toddler yet, but the property laws Totally apply to her!! Thanks for the laugh!!

Jay said...

Haha! I definitely agree, these are all so true for my son! The property laws are so true as well!

Tarana Khan said...

Haha, love this list - it's so accurate! The last point is the reason they get away with everything.

Mrs. Loquacious said...

This is one of my fave posts from you. So so true!! Also, what is with toddlers and taking all their stuff and throwing them on the floor?! Jigsaw puzzles are the *worst* and Little L likes to take every single piece off the puzzle board. Step on one of those beauties, and see how long you can go before a bad word inevitably escapes your lips! ;)

Unknown said...

Hahaha I absolutely love this!!! My little guy doesn't agree with #2 though (luckily ;) ) because he ONLY goes when we are at home or grandmas house. He will hold it once we leave the house until he gets back home!

Choco Harlow said...

The list is very funny. Some of the codes of conduct perfectly applies to our little princess, and she's very smart! She would even blackmail by crying in the public if we don't buy her the toy that she's eyeing from the store.

Amanda Brueckner said...

Hehehe yup

Emma white said...

Love this post. Your spot on with this x