Every time we go as a family, I end up completely embarrassed, annoyed and/or sweaty from either chasing Ollie, or running from him and FTD. Yes, running in a grocery store. You would too if two psychotic children were chasing after you shouting ridiculousness... wearing a wolf mask!
Before I get started... lets recap some past trips of family shopping with FTD and Ollie
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FTD LOVES the grocery store. LOVES IT!
Being that the grocery stores in Australia are half the size, carry a
third of the options and the food and goods cost four times the American price,
FTD thinks he is experiencing a small glimpse of heaven every time he walks
into an American store.
However, for me, I pray heaven is nothing like shopping with that man and his mini me.
We have to go up and down every freaking aisle and discuss and touch every single freaking product. I know more about the different Little Debbie snack cakes and cereal options than any one person should.
We have to go up and down every freaking aisle and discuss and touch every single freaking product. I know more about the different Little Debbie snack cakes and cereal options than any one person should.
At first is was cute watching my grown husband light up like
a kid in a candy store when we hit the cereal aisle, now it just sucks, because HE STILL DOES IT THREE YEARS LATER! FYI: FTD does not
eat cereal, he just likes to see what toys are in the boxes, "Just in case I need it."
So, now that I have explained my husband in a grocery store…
lets add my toddler to the mix.
Sweet Geeezus I want to have a drink before I type out the story I am
about to tell…But let's just say it starts with lots of promises of being very very good boys, and then the second we get into the paring lot, all hell breaks loose.
Today we went to the store as a family, it was the last time EVER! EVER! EVER! EVER!
Today we went to the store as a family, it was the last time EVER! EVER! EVER! EVER!
The minute we pull into the Kroger parking, FTD sees an
employee pushing one of those kid carts with car on the front of the basket. Next thing I know, FTD has his seatbelt off
and is hanging out the window yelling, “MATE!
MATE!! I’ll take that shopping trolley!” Before the car is in park, FTD jumps out and
grabs the damn cart from the guy. Of
course I am like, WHAT THE?
FTD insists that there is going to be a huge queue for these awesome trolleys, so he had to grab it before someone else did.
REALLY?
Really.
FTD insists that there is going to be a huge queue for these awesome trolleys, so he had to grab it before someone else did.
REALLY?
Really.
Immediately, I'm dreading this trip.
Mind you, before we left the house FTD promised this trip would be easy, fast and absolutely no funny business. I'm not sure which one of us is the bigger ass... Me for believing him, or him for lying.
Mind you, before we left the house FTD promised this trip would be easy, fast and absolutely no funny business. I'm not sure which one of us is the bigger ass... Me for believing him, or him for lying.
Within two minutes of walking into
the store, FTD and Ollie found the massive Hot Wheel display. This time it's Ollie half way out of the
car, choking on his seatbelt screaming and pointing to get to the Hot
Wheels.
FTD gets him out, and I take off... Unfortunately, pushing the straight-out-of-hell kid car cart.
FTD gets him out, and I take off... Unfortunately, pushing the straight-out-of-hell kid car cart.
Dammit I hate that thing.
The car part is only loosely attached to the cart so it bounces as you push it. The cart itself is half the size of a normal cart, so getting all of your shit in there is near impossible. And speaking of near impossible, driving that thing is a bitch. Seriously have you ever tried to turn one? I look like a drunken ass turning corners in that thing. I take out displays, knock off the bottom two shelves of products when turning, and pretty much just spend the entire time apologizing to people for taking forever to get out of their way.
The car part is only loosely attached to the cart so it bounces as you push it. The cart itself is half the size of a normal cart, so getting all of your shit in there is near impossible. And speaking of near impossible, driving that thing is a bitch. Seriously have you ever tried to turn one? I look like a drunken ass turning corners in that thing. I take out displays, knock off the bottom two shelves of products when turning, and pretty much just spend the entire time apologizing to people for taking forever to get out of their way.
Shit starts to hit the fan when from 15 aisles away I hear, “I’M GONNA
GET YOU!” followed by a squealing Ollie.
Just as I look up they go zooming by. FTD yells out THERE’S MOMMY!! Ollie turns around and comes charging at me carrying two cars and a cookie. FTD straps Ollie back in and takes over driving.
Within 30 seconds Ollie wants out.
I’m back to driving the asshole cart from hell.
Just as I look up they go zooming by. FTD yells out THERE’S MOMMY!! Ollie turns around and comes charging at me carrying two cars and a cookie. FTD straps Ollie back in and takes over driving.
Within 30 seconds Ollie wants out.
I’m back to driving the asshole cart from hell.
This cycle of trying to shop while FTD and Ollie run around
wrecking the joint, then coming back to drop crap in the cart continues on for
the next twenty minutes.
I am finally finished, when FTD brings me Ollie and says, “OK then, now I can go do some shopping for myself?”
Of course I kindly reply with, “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?”
I am finally finished, when FTD brings me Ollie and says, “OK then, now I can go do some shopping for myself?”
Of course I kindly reply with, “WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?”
For the next ten minutes I follow FTD, with Ollie in the
asshole cart from hell, while he goes up and down every aisle touching things.
I finally lose my shit.
I am finished shopping, Ollie wants out of the cart, and FTD is just screwing around. We have a “discussion” about what exactly he needs. Reluctantly he agrees to throw in the towel, but not before we have to go get Pepsi Max and Candy- on opposite sides of the store.
I finally lose my shit.
I am finished shopping, Ollie wants out of the cart, and FTD is just screwing around. We have a “discussion” about what exactly he needs. Reluctantly he agrees to throw in the towel, but not before we have to go get Pepsi Max and Candy- on opposite sides of the store.
I take Ollie from FTD, and hand over the car cart from hell for FTD to push. He starts carrying on about how hard it is to drive then starts bouncing it up and down like it’s on hydraulics. OMFG! FTD!!!
I hand him back Ollie and stomp off to check out. Then, as if it cannot get any worse, FTD’s
favorite song starts playing through the store, and then my worst nightmare
happens, I hear FTD sing out, as… “Blinded by the LICE! Wrapped up like a DUCHE you know the middle of the NIGHT.” (He knows
the right words, he just refuses to sing them.)
I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh. It's like I have two toddlers.
I nearly bit my tongue off trying not to laugh. It's like I have two toddlers.
Needless to say, the minute we got in the car, I looked at
FTD and said... Never, ever, ever, ever,
again will we go to the grocery store as a family. Never.
FTD Looked back at Ollie, smiled and winked... letting him know it most definitely would NOT be the last time...
FTD Looked back at Ollie, smiled and winked... letting him know it most definitely would NOT be the last time...
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12 comments:
You're a better woman than me. You deserve a large adult beverage for not beating him in public.
Hahahaha! Yes ma'am. This is why I try to tackle all shopping during the week while Dave is gone, because next thing I know we're buying junk food, Clif bars, hair gel (more than me???), always some kind of toy or something, and damn... it's just a whole ordeal. I'd rather take the two kids solo than add on the hubby. Sorry. I say you go down the frozen aisle and grab the Capri-sun for adults ;)
That is hysterical! Thank god Joe is all about getting in and out of the store as quickly as possible!! We have to make a list of what we need before we leave the house, and go to those aisles only. Well, for the most part that's how it goes. There is always that "Oh I forgot we need this!" as we're going by a random aisle, but thankfully it's pretty easy shopping. And Arianna isn't old enough to be reaching for everything or run off on her own yet. Thankfully! Otherwise, I'd be storing a flask in the diaper bag and taking swigs every other aisle!! Lol
I feel your pain! Jim doesn't sing, but he will debate between two types of yogurt for 45 minutes. It's maddening!
This is awesome. At least he has fun while shopping, I know quite a few men who complain when it comes to grocery shopping. :)
I had one as soon as we got home.
Capri Sun for adults... I LOVE THOSE!
Oh Yes, I make that list. FTD just does not believe in it... "What is there is something Awesome we might miss?"
WHAT IS THAT????
He loves to shop. Even when we go to the mall, I am the only wife sitting with the husbands on the benches because FTD has no sense of time or control.
Those stupid carts should come with driving instructions. And WINE. ;)
When we used to go to the store with my dad, the first thing we would do is get bikes and race them around the toy department. This is still one of my favorite memories. We'd always get the shopping done, but my dad always would make it fun. I think FTD is brilliantly hilarious.
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