Dear Metabolism... We Need to Talk! (Not So Wordless Wednesday)

Dear Metabolism,

We need to talk.

First of all...

Second... This is not going to work any more...


As you know I have been talking trash about you to anyone who would listen. I mean, how could it not be your fault that I am still a chub-chub mess? I am 35, I don’t eat very much, I am still nursing the man-child and go for walks almost daily!  I am doing my part, so clearly you are not doing yours… or so I thought...

Here is the deal; I have been so frustrated over your lack of enthusiasm for my weight loss that I went to see Dr. Google to find out how to get your ass in gear.  Dr. Google, ever ready to point me in the direction of help, sent me to the to learn all about you and how you were linked to my fat ass. 

After reading through the articles it turns out that… well… it turns out... that it is not entirely your fault that I am over weight, and struggling to lose my pregnancy weight gain.  So, all those times I called you a stupid lazy geriatric motherfucker piece of worthless shit, were wrong.  Apparently it is entirely my fault, not yours. Whatever! I take the mean things back.

I. Am. Sorry.

In case you are wondering, here is what the Mayo Clinic told me about why it’s my fault, and not yours, that I have a ga-donk-a-donk butt:

It may be tempting to blame your metabolism for weight gain. But because metabolism is a natural process, your body generally balances it to meet your individual needs. That's why if you try so-called starvation diets, your body compensates by slowing down these bodily processes and conserving calories for survival. Only in rare cases do you get excessive weight gain from a medical problem that slows metabolism, such as Cushing's syndrome or having an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).

Unfortunately, weight gain is most commonly the result of eating more calories than you burn. To lose weight, then, you need to create an energy deficit by eating fewer calories, increasing the number of calories you burn through physical activity, or both.” 

Congrat-u-freaking-lations, it looks like you are off the hook and I am on the treadmill.  Which is total shit!

I just don’t understand what has happened!  I know you remember how in our twenties we were a team! If a gained a few extra pounds, I would limit the Heinekens and up the cigarettes and coffee for a few days to get back to the size four jeans. I would call that starvation, but it worked! I know giving up the smokes may have something to do with this, but it was totally worth it, those things were just gross.  I’ll take the ga-donk ass, and a healthy pregnancy over them any day.

I digress…

I see now that you slowing down has nothing to do with age, but come on dude, lets work together! Yes, the baby was slowing us down at first, but now that he is a man-child toddler, he too is ready for more walks and activity. This basically means, it's time to get moving, get a routine going.  I need you more than ever right now.  I have cut back on the cupcakes and carbs, now I need you to light a fire under your ass when we go for a walk. I will make it easier on you; I will try to walk faster so you can burn faster.

The summer is in full swing, lets get this partnership rocking before winter and the shit excuses start falling out of the sky with the snow.  

I am going to Man-up bitch so you better too! Seriously. I cannot do this without you!

Love, (for now)


P.s. Please help me keep in mind that...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VOTE!  I bet it will burn a calorie!!!
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P.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!  I love you!!!! xx

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit