Dear Metabolism,
We need to talk.
First of all...
Second... This is not going to work any more...
Third...
As you know I have been talking trash about
you to anyone who would listen. I mean, how could it not be your fault that I
am still a chub-chub mess? I am 35, I don’t eat very much, I am still nursing the
man-child and go for walks almost daily!
I am doing my part, so clearly you are not doing yours… or so I
thought...
Here is the deal; I have been so frustrated over your lack
of enthusiasm for my weight loss that I went to see Dr. Google to find out how
to get your ass in gear. Dr. Google,
ever ready to point me in the direction of help, sent me to the Mayoclinic.com
to learn all about you and how you were linked to my fat ass.
After reading through the articles it turns out that… well… it turns out... that it is not entirely your fault that I am over weight, and struggling to lose my pregnancy weight gain. So, all those times I called you a stupid lazy geriatric motherfucker piece of worthless shit, were wrong. Apparently it is entirely my fault, not
yours. Whatever! I take the mean things back.
I. Am. Sorry.
In case you are wondering, here is what the Mayo Clinic told
me about why it’s my fault, and not yours, that I have a ga-donk-a-donk butt:
“It may be tempting to blame your metabolism for
weight gain. But because metabolism is a natural process, your body generally
balances it to meet your individual needs. That's why if you try so-called
starvation diets, your body compensates by slowing down these bodily processes
and conserving calories for survival. Only in rare cases do you get excessive
weight gain from a medical problem that slows metabolism, such as Cushing's
syndrome or having an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism).
Unfortunately,
weight gain is most commonly the result of eating more calories than you burn.
To lose weight, then, you need to create an energy deficit by eating fewer
calories, increasing the number of calories you burn through physical activity,
or both.”
So…
Congrat-u-freaking-lations, it looks like you are off the
hook and I am on the treadmill. Which is
total shit!
I just don’t understand what has happened! I know you remember how in our twenties we
were a team! If a gained a few extra pounds, I would limit the Heinekens and up
the cigarettes and coffee for a few days to get back to the size four jeans. I
would call that starvation, but it worked! I know giving up the smokes may have
something to do with this, but it was totally worth it, those things were just
gross. I’ll take the ga-donk ass, and a healthy pregnancy over
them any day.
I digress…
I see now that you slowing down has nothing to do with age, but
come on dude, lets work together! Yes, the baby was slowing us down at first, but now that he is a man-child toddler, he too is ready for more walks and activity. This basically means, it's time to get moving, get a routine going. I need
you more than ever right now. I have cut
back on the cupcakes and carbs, now I need you to light a fire under your ass
when we go for a walk. I will make it easier on you; I will try to walk faster
so you can burn faster.
The summer is in full swing, lets get this partnership
rocking before winter and the shit excuses start falling out of the sky with
the snow.
I am going to Man-up bitch so you better too! Seriously. I cannot do this without you!
Love, (for now)
April
P.s. Please help me keep in mind that...
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE VOTE! I bet it will burn a calorie!!!
P.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I love you!!!! xx