Game of Thrones... Potty training at 15-months...Yes, we need our heads checked. (FTD Post)

Game of "Shit" thrones Episode 1

From Diaper to Despair!

SO... It comes to this then...

Like a mythical statue of a Greek God from aeons past - muscles taut, sweat dripping from exhaustive concentration, I stand here in the bathroom with a maniacal glare on my face. A diaper-less Oliver bursting with hysterical laughter is wrapped under one arm, the cat struggles from my mighty grasp in the other, hissing and raking away at the side of my head with its beastly claws.  In the distance I can hear FTM struggling down the hallway, barely managing to make it to the safety of the bedroom before blurting out half-muffled laughter - The annoying distant dial-tone of her iPhone proving that my tribulations have again been shared with her sister.

My mighty gaze surveys the battle scene below! Not unlike molten-lava, a pool of piss surrounds me, the sweet tang of baby urine lingers in the humid air.

To my right lies the source of the ordeal.  The infamous Soccer-Ball toilet training potty. Innocent enough one might think...but the deception was sinister.  I glance over it's magnificently manufactured plastic skin, the black and white pentagonal patterns conjure up wonderful childhood memories of days playing with my friends in the park...shooting the "winning goal" and taking the World Cup AGAIN!  A solitary tear drips slowly down my cheek in remembrance. Wonderful memories now DESTROYED by what I see before me.

It lies on it's side - still gently rocking on the tiled floor.  The metallic cheering of the invisible electronic crowd repeats annoyingly every few seconds as the cleverly hidden "piss switch" reactivates.

A corn-filled turd is sitting only centimeters from my big toe which reminds me somewhat of a 'snickers' bar...but lumpy with un-chewed organic corn kernels...and shit. I will never enjoy a snickers again!

How have I arrived at this point?  What strange and diabolical twists of fortune have led me to this absolute defeat you ask?  Well!  Prepare yourselves for a tale of high adventure...

(Time for FTM-April to Interject)

How did we get here you ask FTD?  YOUR MOTHER!!  Your kind sweet wonderful mother has us trying to get our son to shit in a plastic bowl WAY TOO EARLY!

My friends and readers, let me tell you what is really going on here...

Around Christmas time when FTD and I were Skyping with his Mum back in Australia, she dropped the bomb from hell... She says to FTD, "You know you were out of diapers at 12-months old. You just didn't like to be wet. You were quite happy to use the loo."

I just oohed and ahhed and did the proper daughter in-law thing.  But once that call ended, I looked at FTD and said BULLSHIT!  No freaking way were you out of diapers at a year old!  NO FREAKING ASS MONKEY SHITHOLE WAY!  He carried on about how brilliant he was even as a baby, and did not doubt it for a minute that he was a prodigy pottier.

I told him under NO circumstance were we going to make Ollie crap in a plastic pot on his first birthday! 

Luckily, since Oliver was only 11-months at the time, we were able to drop it the issue.  Then at Ollie's one year well-baby checkup, I brought up the ridiculous notion to our pediatrician about FTD being a potty trained at one. The Doc told us that it was not only possible, but that in some Chinese cultures, babies are trained to use a small porcelain pot at 6 months.


Still, the doctor said he would really NOT recommend starting now, but sooner is better then later. He said once a 2-3 year-old child is set in his ways, it could be more difficult.

After the appointment FTD and I talked... OK I talked and FTD pretended to listen... I said no way were we gong to make Ollie use the loo when he cannot even say poop or pee. It just seemed redonkulous to me.  Again the issue was dropped.

Here we are now at 15 months old and Ollie wants to use the potty, well he is acting like it anyway.  Lately he pees when I take off his diaper off. Yes it is awesome to get peed on again. He also runs to his soccer ball potty before he poops. The only problem is that once we get his diaper off and put him on the baby potty or the big potty he gets stage fright and wants down.  We put his diaper back on and less than five minutes later he craps his pants!

Soooo.... Here we are, FTD constantly asking Ollie if he has to take a "piss" then making the Pissssssss sound, or he looks at him and acts like he is straining and says, "poo-poo." I stand there doing my best not to laugh.  Clearly so far it's been epic fails all around.

For the most part we are trying to be really cool and loose about it. We let Ollie go to his soccer ball for a piss olny if he wants too.  (Yes, I am aware that this could cause him to pee on every soccer ball he comes in contact with.)  We are really doing our best not to make him feel pressured. The LAST thing we want to do is traumatize him into being in diapers until he is old enough to change them himself!

Tomorrow we have our 15-month well baby check up.  I plan to discuss this insanity with the doctor. I'll let you know how that goes...

As far as FTD's imagery-laden story goes, YES the cat was involved, YES there was shit on the floor, YES I nearly pissed myself laughing, but NO - The incident has not failed to stop FTD eating Snickers!

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Unknown said...

Hahahaha! F'ing awesome. Sorry... I, too, insisted on getting a potty chair for Chase's 1st bday- not thinking he'd use it right away, but still... now I realize I may be lucky if he's potty trained by 2-3. Damn little stubborn boys! Besides, half the fun is seeing Mom & Dad's reactions to finding piles & puddles. I dunno- I've witnessed early potty training, I know it exists, but also have accepted my diaper-filled-fate for the next two years ;)

Anonymous said...

My pediatrician said we should also start the potty training process when she recently had her 16 month check-up. HAHAHAHAHA! No freakin' way! We're waiting until she's closer to 2. Not to mention, she's a "daycare baby" and while they are willing to accommodate an early trainer, they typically don't start hammering it home until the child moves into the "2's Room".

April McCormick said...

Yeah, the potty is nothing more than a mirage in the bathroom desert that makes ollie want to pee on me or the floor. This is all one big Epic Fail!

April McCormick said...

No Freakin' way is right! My expectations are so low... I expect the cat to shit in the soccer ball before Oliver!

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Eli@coachdaddy said...

So, I got to your page by Googling "sweet tang of baby urine" and "piss switch." Kidding! I'm so going on a list now.

This is funny shit. I won't eat corn for a month.

P.S. I don't want to be your kid's first soccer coach, either. Won't take the chance.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, FTM... I'm on board with FTD. My daughter is 19 months and has been using the potty regularly since she was 15 months old. That being said, this is only at home. When we are out in public, she refuses to poo, even in her diaper, and we don't particularly want to go through the hassle of decontaminating/disinfecting a bathroom stall each time we go out. So, yeah... it really is possible, but it requires patience and, more than anything, the kiddo being ready for it.

Unknown said...

Bahahahaha! That is hilarious! And daunting... no way is my little dude ready for the potty, I can't see that happening for a loooooooonnnnggg time :-S

Ya know, with FTD being an Aussie and all, you sure he just didn't start sh*tting everywhere BUT his nappy at 1 year, and calling it a success? My nameless Aussie nephew had a habit of dropping a load somewhere random in the house, then approaching you with a naked, skidmarked butt with a declaration of "wipe, please!" as his way of announcing a new game of hide and go sh*t-in-a-corner....

Ned said...

LOL! you guys are hilarious!! im not sure if I ever want to eat snickers again!
and @shay Grant.. your comment so totally cracked me up!!