Dear Kim Kardashian,
I would like to first start by saying
as a rule, I try to avoid the news and media because 99% of it is false
over-inflated bullshit to fill air time, but when I saw the repeated headlines
about you and your pregnancy I tuned in to see what the noise was all about.
All I have to say is... those motherfuckers! What the hell is wrong with
them? So what if you are gaining weight and a little hormonal, you are GROWING
A HUMAN INSIDE OF YOUR BODY! Girl there is no such thing as a pregnancy filled
with happy days, rainbows and unicorns! It’s more like hormones,
cravings, back aches, swollen everything and exhaustion, with a side of
headaches, constipation, hemorrhoids and stuffed duck discomfort 24/7.
I am here to tell you pregnancy is
all fucked up, and I mean that in the most Girl-you-are-blessed-you-are-going-to-have-a-baby way
possible. But that is just it, you are the sole lifeline to a growing
baby in your body. Hell yeah you are going to gain weight, feel like shit
and have hormones that are raging like a pile of crackheads at a sold out
methadone clinic. I was a hot ass mess while I was pregnant and regularly wanted to
punch everyone in the face. I commend you for managing to hold it
together so well living under the media microscope!
Every pregnancy is different from the
next, so don’t let anyone tell you to suck it up or get over yourself, because
no one but you truly knows what you are feeling, nor what your body needs. So
YOU do what YOU gotta do to grow YOUR baby. This pregnancy thing lasts 10 long
hot mess months. When it gets almost too uncomfortable to bear, don’t forget, ‘This Too Shall Pass’, and when it does
you will have the most beautiful baby.
My best advice for you
right now, as if you need any more, is to enjoy the feeling of your baby in
your belly. Embrace every hiccup, kick and every crazy acrobatic
flip, because it's beautiful and magical and you will miss it. Rub
your baby in your belly and talk to him, hold your belly with pride and don't
lose your focus on what you are doing... becoming an amazing mother.
Drown out the noise of the talking heads. Listen only to your heart and
doctor. Most of all, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, because ten times
out of ten that is going to be the best answer.
Lastly, haters gonna hate. You know
that. The media microscope you live under must be suffocating you right now.
I have no doubt the haters writing the stories about you are a pile of dumb ass
guys and spinster bitches, because anyone who has been through pregnancy and
childbirth would not be so rude and insensitive! I mean for fuck’s sake, who
the hell can grow a baby while staying the same size and rocking a smile the
whole time?
Don’t worry, there is a silver lining
to all of this media scrutiny…even with your big ol' pregnancy boobies and ass
you are gorgeous, I dare say one of the most naturally beautiful women in this
world, so those dumb ass reporters are going to have to eat shit when you and
your famous curves bounce back from your pregnancy like a BOSS! For that
reason, make sure you write down the names of the haters so when it’s time for
them to eat shit for talking shit, you can ship off a shit filled diaper to
each one of them.
Seriously, Kim you are going to bounce back like a boss. A
boss with a beautiful baby. So no worries about the weight gain or maternity
clothes attacks, because in just a few short months you are going to be a bad
ass momma with a bad ass baby making all of this more than worth it.
Best wishes to you on your last couple of months of pregnancy.
Sincerely,
April
P.s I wrote a blog while I was pregnant called, Tired of Being Pregnant. Please read it when you are frustrated so you will know you are SO NOT ALONE on this crazy journey! It took me 55 pounds, some crazy raging hormones and many sleepless nights to make my son, but dammit it was SO worth it!
Here is me the day before I delivered...
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and here is my beautiful bad ass boss baby.
Just you wait until your bad ass boss baby gets here...
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