Baby, Please stop throwing your food on the floor. Mommy is about to...


I don't know where to start I am so upset!  My beautiful, wonderful, sweet, kind... oh hell I am just going to come right out and say it, Oliver is behaving like an asshole baby. He is obsessed with throwing things. And pretty much 99% of what he throws, he shouldn't!  He throws things down with force, over his head with Gusto! and behind his back with indifference.  The baby is on his way to the major leagues, but only after he and daddy drop mommy at the crazy house.

He loves to take everything off the shelf on his change table and then as if he knows I am about to freak out, he tries to put everything back... as in stack everything up until it falls back off, or he throws it off again. Another of his favorites is unloading his diaper basket, flinging diapers over his head as fast as possible. His favorite morning ritual is throwing everything out of his toy box with indifference, just to throw. Oh, and how could I not mention is daily plunge into my closet to toss all of my shoes off their rack as fast as he can, like this is where he is planning to start his hole to China. Why do I stand idly by and let him do it you ask? Because, I read that it was good stimulation to let him throw and empty and stack, and drive me crazy constantly rearranging shit.


What I can no longer handle, is him throwing every bite of food on his tray, down at the floor.  Every. Bite. It could be his favorite food (strawberries or pasta), and he will still throw it off mid way through the meal.  No obvious reason, he just throws his food down to the ground and laughs himself stupid.  What. Is. That?  WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT? Is this behavior normal?

Seriously, he looks at me, IN MY EYES, smiles and throws it!  I shake my head no, tell him that would very naughty, yet he still does it!  His favorite move when he is finished eating is the full arm and hand swipe, like a windshield wiper motion over the tray to launch all of his food at once.  Come on!   When is it going to end? I mean, my baby is clearly messing with me you all. He is not even ONE!

Yes, I do put only one bite down at a time... but sometimes that gets old.  Sometimes I need to leave the food on his tray like he is a normal baby.  I know, why would I give him the benefit of the doubt with Me and FTD as his parents. How in the hell can karma already be biting us in the ass BEFORE our son can talk?!

I have this dream of making a Dexter Style, 'Kill Room,' to feed him in.  Then  when he has finished eating and launching his food, I can just roll up the plastic kill room, and dump it off a boat like Dexter. Never even have to clean the spaghetti or eggs up. I know, keep telling myself this blatant slap in the face asshole behavior will not last forever. But, how much longer I ask? Because, if it doesn't end soon, I am going to loose it for sure!

I would post a picture of the mess he makes, but I can't, it will make me too upset to look at it.  So I will post a very cute picture of Ollie instead, because that is why he gets away with it every time.  He is too damn cute for me to really get up set with! In fact, sometimes I laugh along with him, because he is just so damn cute and cheeky!  I know... I am doomed for sure...

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit