The best Holiday cards EVER!

The coveted Holiday card. I don't know about the rest of the world, but the annual Holiday card is big business in the south. I have friends that plan family vacations around getting the perfect photo, in the perfect location, to achieve the perfect holiday card. I admit it, I love them.  I look forward to the cards every year.  My friends with their beautiful family set against beautiful tropical or snowy backdrops.  Yes, I even have a girlfriend that takes a photo on Santa's lap with her dog for her card. Again, the holiday card is big ass business 'round these parts.

My crazy ass husband (FTD) has never seen anything like them in Australia, so naturally he had to have one too. Oh, but no way could we have a nice normal one like everyone else. NOOOOO that would be too normal, and God forbid we ever be a normal family.  So last year he set out to make, "The Best Christmas Card EVER!"  I said go for it, and went to bed. 

The next morning I woke up to him smiling with one of his cheekiest shit eating  grins I have ever seen on his face. Needless to say, I was very afraid of what he had done.  He told me he achieved the best holiday card ever, and that 20 of them were waiting at Walgreens for pickup.  

Shit. That was all I could think, especially since I had no idea what photo he had used. I looked at him and said, "Shit, what have you done? What photo did you use?" He told me he, "borrowed one from the Internets."  Dear God, nothing could have prepared me for what I picked up from Walgreens...NOTHING!

This, my friends, is what I picked up....

I know... it's a lot to take in.  Let me break it down for you...

The card itself is someone else's he found on the Internet. Our heads have been put over the original (elderly) couple's. Our cat is even covering up a dog.  If you look close to my head you can see the original woman's grey hair sticking out behind mine.

As for all of the other stuff...starting from the top left going Clockwise...

1. Oliver's ultrasound profile picture taken at about 33 weeks gestation. He cropped his head out for the card. My husband knows no limits.
2. Yes, Vegemite has a huge place in our American Home.  FTD has it nearly every morning on his toast... and now so does Ollie, when I am not looking. 
3. Our national flags. 

My God, I know it is hard to look past my sexy husband's MASSIVE head on that tiny man's body, but try to make it to the lower right hand corner...

4. Eric Estrada's head from the meme that has him pointing and saying, "You're a homo."
5. Our positive pregnancy tests.

Ok, I'll admit it, in the parking lot at Walgreens I laughed so hard I nearly wet my 8 months pregnant self, I might have... But when I got home I had to play hard ball.  You all don't understand, this crazy behavior is daily in my house.  My husband refuses to take anything seriously. I am constantly having to put him in a wife induced time out.  He's baaaaaaaaaaaaad!  Really bad.  There is not one shred of political correctness in his body, quite the opposite in fact.

Still, I sent the cards to our family and friends.  And of course, everyone called to say "BRAVO!" and "I cannot wait to see next year's!"   I try to tame him, but the masses keep cheering him on...

So this year rolls around, and pretty much the same thing happens. He mentions that he is working on the card, I wake up and he's pissing himself laughing. The card is on it's way to Walgreens and will be ready for pick-up later in the day. Like a good faithful wife I go pick it up...

This, my friends, is this years card...

I know, I am speechless too.  Again, let me break it down for you... From the top left going clockwise. FTD "borrowed" all of these photos. He just put our heads on the middle square.

1. Storm trooper with a mistletoe
2. Our family. In addition to Ollie, in my lap is Colonel Sanders of KFC and a massive plate of sausages is at his feet.  Don't ask...
3. A couple just as crazy as us!  FTD wants us to all have Storm trooper helmets for next year.
4. An AT AT with reindeer antlers
5. Santa and Jesus arm wrestling. 
6. Ever watched Clockwork Orange?  Yep, that's him.

Don't get me wrong, I really am proud of FTD, I never said he wasn't very talented.  I admit, I look forward to our card as well.  Who knows what he will think of next... As long as people keep making crazy cards, he will have plenty to work with.

If you have an awesome card you would like to share, please email it to me at firsttimemomanddad @ and I will post it with all of the others on Christmas day!

Happy Holidays!!  

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit