How did pregnancy change me...

Recently I was asked to write a story about how pregnancy changed me... Instantly I thought, are you kidding, what didn't change? But then the memories...oh yes, the memories of my pregnancy and journey from prim and proper princess to big crazy baby maker came flooding back.  Ahhhh.... It is safe to say, I am not ready to do that shit again... yet.

Anyways, here is the story I wrote...

From Princess to Pregnant to Parent. 
The humbling journey the books don't tell you about.

When I look back on my pregnancy all I can do is laugh and be thankful… That it’s over! Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my pregnancy, but the symptoms and experiences were anything but wonderful and magical. I’m here to tell you, pregnancy is a 10-month rollercoaster ride through Nature’s Hell Fun House. 

When my husband and I first found out we were “expecting” we were hopeless fools, with no idea what to expect. We were still under the impression that the human gestation period took nine months.  HA! We quickly learned that it was in fact ten months. Yes, forty long weeks. Truthfully, I realize now that I needed every single day of those forty weeks to complete my transformation from perfect princess to motherhood.

First of all, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will change and humble a person like growing a human.  During my ten, not-so glamorous, months of pregnancy I experienced things… scary things. I used some of the seediest toilets in the northern hemisphere. I had gas worse than any dog should/could ever be blamed for. I developed acne, hemorrhoids and cankles. My butt grew a butt under itself. My cellulite grew cellulite. My breasts grew an extra set under my armpits when there was no more room left on my chest. My feet even grew a size and a half in both directions! Oh yes, my pregnancy changed me, shocked me, and taught me about humility on a grand scale.

During the first few months I began to notice my incredibly important Princess lifestyle of cute shoes, handbags, sassy style, shallow conversations and my "it’s all about me" mentality slip away. I traded my fancy flirty heels for flat rubber flip-flops. (Think Fred Flintstone.)  I traded my sexy hip hugger jeans for frumpy maternity pants. (Think camel toe gross.)  I traded long liquid lunches with my girlfriends, for late night crazy cravings and milkshakes. (Don’t think pickles and ice cream, that’s just gross.) I traded my cute clothing boutiques for baby boutiques. And worst of all, I traded my all together happy disposition, for the pregnancy hormone induced, I will rip your face off if you look at me wrong disposition. 

I was constantly losing control of my body and it’s functions. I wet myself every time I laughed, coughed, cried or took too long getting to the bathroom, hence the seedy toilet usage. The pregnancy-induced flatulence was out of hand. I would crop dust an entire aisle at the grocery store before I even knew what had happened!  At first my husband was impressed, but by the four hundredth dusting he just wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop.  I had heartburn that was FIRE IN THE HOLE hell. I began snoring with such force my husband took up sleeping on the couch… ok maybe the gas had something to do with it too. Bottom line: I was a hot ass mess.  (Put the emphasis on hot ass.)

The humbling process never ended, it just got worse and worse. I had doctors poke and prod me on a regular basis. I was constantly being told to take off my clothes, stand on scales and pee in cups. I talked with complete strangers about my breasts, and how to feed my baby with them. I had constipation that all of the laxatives in the world could not cure. I know. I ate them all. I had to pee forty times a day, with thirty of those times happening between the hours of 10pm and 10am. Needless to say getting two solid hours of sleep was near impossible. I had for the most part lost complete control of my body. (Think beached whale) Oh yes, I was a very long way from my perfect Princess days. 

My personal life took on a major transformation as well. My priority list went from me-me-me to baby-baby-me. I cut my regular commitments in half, only attending the functions that were necessary, or at the very least guaranteed good food. I quickly learned who my true friends were, and who was just along for the happy hour ride. And thanks to the wild ups and downs of the hormones, I was the worst kind of Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I would laugh, the next cry, the next both at the same time. I was crazy lady certifiable psycho.

Through all of the crazy symptoms and experiences the one thing that never ceased to amaze me was the way my body instantly fell into being pregnant. My body somehow instantly knew what to do, even though I didn’t. I’m still blown away by the entire gestation process. I actually had a heart start beating inside my body. Crazy! Plain and simple, Nature is amazing.

The entire process from beginning to end seemed like an eternity then, and quite honestly, still does. It is not easy growing a human. It’s hard to believe it, but all of my symptoms and experiences were, according to my doctor, “typical.” Yes, ALL women experience the crop dusting, and frequent use of seedy gas station bathrooms. Still, even though my pregnancy was filled with less than desirable experiences, I am such a better person from it all. Most of all, I am a mother, a very proud mother.

The day before I popped!