12/12/12

How did pregnancy change me...

Recently I was asked to write a story about how pregnancy changed me... Instantly I thought, are you kidding, what didn't change? But then the memories...oh yes, the memories of my pregnancy and journey from prim and proper princess to big crazy baby maker came flooding back.  Ahhhh.... It is safe to say, I am not ready to do that shit again... yet.

Anyways, here is the story I wrote...


From Princess to Pregnant to Parent. 
The humbling journey the books don't tell you about.

When I look back on my pregnancy all I can do is laugh and be thankful… That it’s over! Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for my pregnancy, but the symptoms and experiences were anything but wonderful and magical. I’m here to tell you, pregnancy is a 10-month rollercoaster ride through Nature’s Hell Fun House. 


When my husband and I first found out we were “expecting” we were hopeless fools, with no idea what to expect. We were still under the impression that the human gestation period took nine months.  HA! We quickly learned that it was in fact ten months. Yes, forty long weeks. Truthfully, I realize now that I needed every single day of those forty weeks to complete my transformation from perfect princess to motherhood.

First of all, nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will change and humble a person like growing a human.  During my ten, not-so glamorous, months of pregnancy I experienced things… scary things. I used some of the seediest toilets in the northern hemisphere. I had gas worse than any dog should/could ever be blamed for. I developed acne, hemorrhoids and cankles. My butt grew a butt under itself. My cellulite grew cellulite. My breasts grew an extra set under my armpits when there was no more room left on my chest. My feet even grew a size and a half in both directions! Oh yes, my pregnancy changed me, shocked me, and taught me about humility on a grand scale.


During the first few months I began to notice my incredibly important Princess lifestyle of cute shoes, handbags, sassy style, shallow conversations and my "it’s all about me" mentality slip away. I traded my fancy flirty heels for flat rubber flip-flops. (Think Fred Flintstone.)  I traded my sexy hip hugger jeans for frumpy maternity pants. (Think camel toe gross.)  I traded long liquid lunches with my girlfriends, for late night crazy cravings and milkshakes. (Don’t think pickles and ice cream, that’s just gross.) I traded my cute clothing boutiques for baby boutiques. And worst of all, I traded my all together happy disposition, for the pregnancy hormone induced, I will rip your face off if you look at me wrong disposition. 

I was constantly losing control of my body and it’s functions. I wet myself every time I laughed, coughed, cried or took too long getting to the bathroom, hence the seedy toilet usage. The pregnancy-induced flatulence was out of hand. I would crop dust an entire aisle at the grocery store before I even knew what had happened!  At first my husband was impressed, but by the four hundredth dusting he just wanted it to stop. I wanted it to stop.  I had heartburn that was FIRE IN THE HOLE hell. I began snoring with such force my husband took up sleeping on the couch… ok maybe the gas had something to do with it too. Bottom line: I was a hot ass mess.  (Put the emphasis on hot ass.)

The humbling process never ended, it just got worse and worse. I had doctors poke and prod me on a regular basis. I was constantly being told to take off my clothes, stand on scales and pee in cups. I talked with complete strangers about my breasts, and how to feed my baby with them. I had constipation that all of the laxatives in the world could not cure. I know. I ate them all. I had to pee forty times a day, with thirty of those times happening between the hours of 10pm and 10am. Needless to say getting two solid hours of sleep was near impossible. I had for the most part lost complete control of my body. (Think beached whale) Oh yes, I was a very long way from my perfect Princess days. 

My personal life took on a major transformation as well. My priority list went from me-me-me to baby-baby-me. I cut my regular commitments in half, only attending the functions that were necessary, or at the very least guaranteed good food. I quickly learned who my true friends were, and who was just along for the happy hour ride. And thanks to the wild ups and downs of the hormones, I was the worst kind of Jekyll and Hyde. One minute I would laugh, the next cry, the next both at the same time. I was crazy lady certifiable psycho.

Through all of the crazy symptoms and experiences the one thing that never ceased to amaze me was the way my body instantly fell into being pregnant. My body somehow instantly knew what to do, even though I didn’t. I’m still blown away by the entire gestation process. I actually had a heart start beating inside my body. Crazy! Plain and simple, Nature is amazing.

The entire process from beginning to end seemed like an eternity then, and quite honestly, still does. It is not easy growing a human. It’s hard to believe it, but all of my symptoms and experiences were, according to my doctor, “typical.” Yes, ALL women experience the crop dusting, and frequent use of seedy gas station bathrooms. Still, even though my pregnancy was filled with less than desirable experiences, I am such a better person from it all. Most of all, I am a mother, a very proud mother.
The day before I popped!








Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

18 Comments:

Unknown said...

Holy crap, I remember that picture from when you and I were both preggers! Flashback time!!!
I was lucky enough (or should I say hubby was lucky enough) to avoid the joys of crop-dusting, but in exchange I got all day, all night chundering for 30 of the 40 weeks. I put on an insane amount of weight and started waddling like a duck from 16 weeks. By 36 weeks, my feet grew so puffy I didn't even fit hubby's jandals. *Sigh* ahhh the bliss :-O

AussieMummy said...

So, what you're saying is.. time to do it all again? Lol

Unknown said...

This picture makes me giggle... and I think this is such a perfect summation to the whole child-growing process :)

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Bliss... it certainly was... NOT! Why Shay, Why do I keep talking about it like it sucked ass, but for some reason want to do it again? HELP!!!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

YES! WTF is that???

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

It makes Jolly Old St. Nick giggle too becuse my belly is bigger than his! My ass is fatter too....

Alissa said...

Ahh yes... memories... funny how they fade enough to make us do it all over again. I keep having flashbacks of me being a raging hormonal beeotch...But then again was I really that bad? Did I really want to punch everyone in the face all the time? Yes... yes I did. I it will happen again :)

Layes Landing said...

coworker recently told me ,"girl, you carried that baby in the front AND the back!"

Unknown said...

I'm kinda looking forward to it but not...doesn't that even make sense....I just hope I can survive....this reminds me of those women that look PERFECT even though they're pregnant...like just the belly and that's it...and no problems...makes me ....depressed cuz i know that won't be me..lol

Mrs. Loquacious said...

Oh the memories...but wait! I loved being pregnant. *LOVED* it. Even the cankles (the one time I'm justified in having them). It was the post-pregnancy issues that I didn't enjoy, like the now "sneeze-and-pee" and the reams of saggy skin on my middle that makes all of my old clothes fit funny. Boo on these things. BOO!

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! This is priceless! I never enjoyed being pregnant, never. It's amazing that I managed to do it 5 times lol.

Love it!

Unknown said...

I so heart you!!! Thanks so much for such a complete honest post!! I hated being pregnant. It was zero fun and so full of pain and humiliation (lol to discussing your complete bodily functions with complete strangers!!). I was so happy when my second popped out and I could close shop!!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Yes, Yes it will! Hell, I still do!!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Oh girl, I carried Oliver front, back, side to side and then some.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Those women are full of shit! Pregnancy is a journey, no way around it! 10-months of perfection. BUUUUUULLLLL SHIT! You just wait... Call your mom, lots of it is hereditary

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

NOw Mrs L... I have a few months of cvmments we can look back on on TOBP... You must be ready for number 2 becuse you forgot all the fun of number 1~ And yes the postpartum is another post...

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

FIVE TIMES!!!! Amazing how the Pregnancy Amnesia works.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

I heart you! ZERO FUN! I cannot wait for number two to close up shop too.

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