Tis the season... for family dysfunction.

I love the holidays.  I love my family.  However...

Look I am just going to come right out and say it... I am freaking out about the ridiculous dysfunction that the holidays can bring out in my family and extended family, and how I will protect my son from it. My immediate family is small, just my sister her two boys, my brother his two boys and my mother.  Together we all get along fairly well, and for the most part are well behaved... well depending on how much wine and bourbon is consumed, things can get interesting.  It's the extended families of my immediate family thats got me all freaked out.

I love the holidays because it is a time that my family comes together to just hang out; Eat, drink, be merry and attempt to enjoy each others company. My extended family,  not so much.  Some of those people are just stupid, possibly inbred, alcoholic chain smoking, shower and toothbrush needing ding-a-lings. In years past, I would just drink a few extra drinks to numb my ears and fuzz up my eyes a bit to make them all seem like interesting attractive people.  Now I have a son that not only do I have no choice but to subject to the freaks, I can't get boozed up to drown them out.

The other major worry I have about these extended family gatherings is their offspring.  God for give me, but some of these kids have only seen toothbrushes in packaging at "The Wal-Mart."  Some of these kids have possibly only seen soap there as well. Ollie is a stay at home baby, his immunity is no where near strong enough to fight off what those kids are packing.  And speaking of packing, the total of boys between all the family members is 9!  Yes, NINE crazy ass wolf pack boys are going to be running around.  I see how the big kids play.  It's a wonder all of them have eyes and teeth and no broken bones.  Those kids play like wrestlers and warriors.  I don't want them around Ollie!  My nephews are scary enough, but I can still police them, and they respect Ollie. Who knows if the other kids will listen to me?  Maybe I am over reacting, but I am a new mom, that is what I do!

I am trying not to over think this too much, but I cannot help it.  I know how nuts these events can become.  I don't know how I am going to tell some of those people they cannot hold my child until they put their cigarette out and put down their beer.  You laugh, but I see them holding their kids in one arm, beer and cigarette in the other.  Look, I was all for beer and cigarettes before Ollie, so don't think I am being a Debbie downer on ciggy loving drinkers, because I am not, I miss being one of them sometimes. I just don't want my kid to smell like he has been hanging out in a bar.  RSV scares me!

Holiday dysfunction is probably inevitable, that's cool, I get that.  Hell, I probably add to it in my own jacked up way. But as a new mother lioness, it is my job to protect my son as much as possible from the foul mouthed, boozed up nicotine coated relatives.  I know I will have to get creative to not fully offend anyone, and seem like a total bitch.

I hope I am wrong about how dysfunctional it will be, but really, this is not my first rodeo... I know better than to think we will be arm and arm caroling by the fire. My plan is to appologetically run late to the extended family events, and then conveniently Ollie will need a nap not long after the meal finishes.  It's our first year as parents, I think it's best if we have our exit strategy already planned out, including having our car parked well down the street so we don't get blocked in. Tis the season. ; )

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com