Hipsters (pants) MUST die!

So, I know I am supposed to talk about my "selfish girl's wedding sob story..." But I have a NEWS FLASH: Hipsters must die! DIE! DIE! DIE!

source: Hipsters Eat for Free .com
FYI: According to the Urban Dictionary a Hipster is defined as:

"...a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter."

Ok, well... Those hipster's don't have to die. In fact, I guess I am a Hipster if that is the definition.  I am all for indie everything, I am in my 30's, I am queen mouth for progressive politics. I'm also creative, smart and filled to the brim with Witty Banter... (Ok, seriously, if I was single that definition of me as a hipster would get me all of the dates on Match dot com.)  But really my friends, when you think of a Hipster, do you think of an awesome person, or a fashion movement?

Luckily the Urban Dictionary goes on to explain why I say, "HIPSTERS (pants) MUST DIE!"

"...Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer. The "effortless cool" urban bohemian look of a hipster is exemplified in Urban Outfitters and American Apparel ads which cater towards the hipster demographic."

Ok, those are the 'Hipsters' I am talking about! Thanks to them, I cannot find shit to wear at ALL of the "mainstream" shops.  My big fat postpartum round curvy ass cannot find anything to wear!  I'm not kidding!  Have you been to Gap, Old Navy, Target, even Anne freaking Taylor Loft lately? All of them are catering to those hipster shits!  Enough already!  Can I get bloody boot cut denim and cowl neck sweater already?

And "effortless cool"  is not at all what those hipster shits look like.  I know how long it takes to place every single hair on my head in it's place, with an UNGODLY amount of hair goo, effortless is far from what I would call that!  Or I can only imagine the time it takes to pry on those tight ass skinny jeans.  Oh and, what the hell is with the damn lenseless glasses frames? Have you ever talked to someone wearing only eyeglass frames?  So weird.  I couldn't concentrate on the conversation at all.  Little hint hipsters wearing those eye glasses with frames only, if you need them to make you look smart, then I'm going to have to say it's clear you are trying to overcompensate for something... 

My brother's best friend is Mr. Hipster himself. The other day he came to lunch with pants that had to painted on they were so tight.  I nearly took a spit take when my brother looked at him and asked, "Hey man, where do you put your balls in those pants?" Two points Bro! Skinny jeans have got to go!  They are so not sexy. It's not right when a guy wears a pair of jeans that make his legs look skinnier than my arms. Weirdo. Oh wait that's the point isn't it? 

OK wait... this post is not about the hipster's themselves, I am all for style and fashion and wearing what makes you feel good. What I am not for is the fact that every store I go into is wall to wall hipster fashion. My hips are WIDE!  I do not belong in skinny jeans... EVER!  I am finally going out shopping for clothes to fit my 34-year-old plump bottom and massive mom boobs, and am finding myself in tears in the dressing rooms, not because the clothes don't fit... because the red skinny jeans make me look like a tomato with an odd sort of growth (my legs sprouting from my ass) and the sweaters are somehow skinny too.  COME ON PEOPLE!  Sweaters are meant to be cozy and comfy not tight and itchy.  

 Come on Target buyers, I need some affordable transition clothing... can you please buy some classic pieces?  And hey you, The Gap people, we used to be so good together... where is the classic boot cut with comfy sweater?  Ann Taylor The Loft... there is absolutely NO excuse for you! When, I ask, is this fad going to end? We all know it will!  

Hipsters... Thanks. Thanks a lot for making the biggest fashion movement of my generation so far, I am impressed. I do not blame you as much as the designers, but come on!  You know you are going to get tired of the tight ass skinny jeans, itchy sweaters, stupid eyeglass frames and spending 4 hours trying to get your hair to look "effortlessly cool."  Any chance you can speed it up so I can find something to wear? I mean afterall... I think it is time to admit, your style is offically mainstream, and from what I hear that defeats your entire purpose.      

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Anonymous said...


I tried to go shopping a few weeks ago - TRIED being the operative word. I don't understand what happened to boot-cut jeans!! Where did they go?! Why is everyone making skinny jeans instead?!? I look like an ice cream cone in skinny jeans! :-( And the sweaters????? Half of them are "loose knit" = it's not a SWEATER if you can see through it!! And I remember the belly shirt craze many years ago - but I NEVER imagined that it would be reinvented as the belly sweater? Long in the back, short in the front! I don't have a muffin top, I have a loaf of bread. I need coverage! WARM coverage!! Please, if you find a good place to shop, let us know!!

Kitten said...

I'd... I'd comment except. I read your site on an iPad and I drive around in my Prius and I read my baby board books that riff off of classics like Romeo and Juliet. And... I might own a few pairs of skinny jeans and I love ironic tees or tees that reference pop culture. I might own a blazer I put over all of that and some vans. I might own Vans. I might have sideswept bangs (that I don't have time to style). I eat organic foods from Trader Joes and Whole Foods.

I once Instagrammed my baby boy drinking a hot chocolate at a cafe while we both snacked on organic sweet potato chips. I drank free trade coffee. Basically, you can mock me. :( I know it.

My glasses are real though! :D

Marianne said...

If hipsters are now uncool & mainstream, I think saggy-stomached moms are the new cool.

At least that's what I'll be telling the bus stop moms.

Hilarious post. Wheredidya put your balls? hahahahahaha

Unknown said...

LMAO! I was trying to figure out where this was going... hence why on my Christmas wish list I have "jeans off ebay" (literally)... because I know what brand, style, and so on I need/want, just in a different size (and not walked to rags)- trying to find that now in the stores? Ha! Maybe for a small fortune :)

I'm with you though- I hate skinny jeans (personally)

foodpixie said...

True that! I'd check out your local thrift stores for all the boot cut jeans and cowl neck sweaters. Plus you get them at a fraction of the cost.

NO one needs those leggings that people wear as pants showing every nook and cranny. At least these people could cover their asses.

Layes Landing said...

haha! agree!

Hayley from Love Art Baby said...

I laughed when I read "those hipster shits!" I work with a lot of these people at Whole Foods Market. I agree with you, I also fit the first definition of "Hipster." But that is NOT what I think of when I hear the word. I can't afford to shop at a mainstream clothing store even if I wanted to but I agree it is sad that they are all catering to that trend. (Always about $$$) I shop at Goodwill and sometimes Marshalls and have been able to find boot cut jeans and roomy shirts that fit my postpartum body nicely.

Unknown said...

Skinny jeans don't look good on anybody! I feel your pain. I find myself shopping in thrift stores just to find a pair of jeans that don't make me feel ridiculous. Hope this trend fades out of the fashion world soon.

that suburban momma said...

Hey! By that first part, I am a "hipster" too! Haha! But seriously, when I hear the word hipster, I think of someone who is trying way too hard to be different. And now there are so many of them that they aren't different... Anyway, I am a curvy girl and can't do those tight jeans. They need to go! I have basically stopped wearing jeans altogether because I just can't find any good ones anymore! Btw, I really really hate them on guys. Do they think that is attractive?

Christine said...

I haven't tried the mall, I can't afford it. But Target's clothes all seem to be too tight and small. An XL looks like an extra small on me. I can't buy anything in there. Here in Florida we have a Bealls Outlet that I tend to find a lot in. And Ross, and Kohls. Sometimes Marshalls or TJ Maxx. I rarely find something in Walmart but I do have some low rise boot cut stretch (and petite) that look great by Lei that I got from there last year. They were in junior sizes, but I just picked a 15 and it's fine. Also have had good luck at the Lee/Wrangler factory outlet. They have low rise boot cut stretch (petite a must for me!) as well. I'm doubting anything would fit me at the mall either. And I'm not going there. I'd probably leave in tears.

Quirky Chrissy said...

If you were to ask at the end of this, "Can I get an A-MEN?" I Would so jump at that. It's like the hipsters don't remember how bad the 80's were...

I'm just saying... tight rolled jeans anyone?

Unknown said...

I really hate how the "designers" are trying to force this style on everyone- the skinny jeans, the slim cut tees & sweaters, after a certain size, they're no longer "skinny" or "slim". I wear a size 8 and I literally walk out of many dressing rooms feeling fat! Most of the clothes seem to be designed for a preteen. It's no wonder why so many woman and young girls have a f*d up body image of themselves.
Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

Kristy J said...

100% AGREE!!! It's so completely utterly depressing trying to find clothes for a post baby body without wanting to off myself in the dressing room. I despise all skinny jeans. Why oh why can't there be normal boot cut jeans out there for those of us who are happy and proud to be mainstream?! I'm glad I'm not alone on this.