Please do not call Child Protective Services (CPS) on us!

At least once a week I have to tell FTD to stop what he is doing or saying, because crazy people will think he is actually the crazy one, and call Child Protective Services (CPS) on his dumb ass. God love my Australian husband for being, without a doubt, the very best father I know... however, the cultural differences between us are always apparent. He lives to make people and our son laugh, at any cost, even 'costs' that Americans may not fully see the humor in.

For example, every time we go to the grocery store we are stopped by at least 5 strangers wanting to gawk at Ollie. For every question the stranger has, FTD has an inappropriate or shocking answer for. Most times, 5 out of 5, those people are sorry they stopped us, leave either confused or shaking their heads, or after an explanation have a laugh.

 1. Stranger: "What a beautiful baby. How old is he?"
    FTD:  "Twelve. He has a strange disease that keeps him looking 8 months old forever."
 2. Stranger: "What a Happy baby!"
     FTD:  "We put Pepsi Max in his bottle. Keeps him awake and smiling all day!"

3. Stranger: "On my what a Big baby!"
    FTD:  "She feeds him the titty milk."  (Seriously, he says this.  So awkward!)

4. Stranger: "What a handsome little guy.  What's his name?"
    FTD: "La Shankqua."  Then he tells the stranger, "La Sankqua was born on the mighty banks of the Nile river."
5. Stranger: "What a pretty baby!  Is that a boy or a girl."
    FTD: "Both, it's a hermaphrodite. We haven't decided which thing we want clipped." (This one kills me. FTD insist that if the person in too stupid to see he is a boy, he deserves a stupid answer.)

I cannot stop him. He will say anything to get a rise out of me, or the stranger brave enough to talk to us. Most people realize he is full of it, but others need to be reassured he is just joking.

Oliver is FTD's best friend. FTD pushes him around in the stroller or grocery cart talking away about his day, asking Oliver all kinds of silly question, or his opinion on something. I'll admit, he all together looks like a crazy person.  The other day he begged to climb a fire truck with Ollie so they could get a picture with the massive hoses. Super funny, but to people who do not know us, we... he looked nuts.

I am very sensitive I know, but I am so afraid FTD's silly mouth, jokes or antics are going to get us in trouble. Honestly, I am afraid all of the time of CPS.  I know it's all about using common sense, but the laws change all of the time.  I am so paranoid...

Can take out the garbage while Ollie is napping?  What if I accidentally lock myself out and have to call the police, will they arrest me for taking out the garbage and leaving my son in the house all alone?  How long can I take my eyes off of Oliver? What if he gets hurt banging into something crawling, can I get in trouble?  I know that may seem extreme, but I really worry about this stuff.

I remind myself that Ollie really is a SUPER happy baby. He smiles at everyone, and laughs all of the time, surely that would show CPS we are awesome parents? Still, who knows anymore what is ok and what is not? Can FTD's big silly mouth get us in trouble?  Can a trip to the car while Ollie is sleeping get him taken away?  Or am I just a big paranoid freak who needs to calm down?

What gets me is that I grew up in the days of no seat belt laws, a mom who could constantly threaten my brother and I, "If you two do not calm down, you can wait for me in the car." Even though I grew up in Miami, I remember plenty of times sitting in the car while my mom went in paid for gas, totally legal. Or, not that my mom was a spanker at all, I know she could slap my hand or swat my butt in public and get an applause if I was being a terror. That was the late 70's early 80's, that shit does not fly now.

I wonder how much authority today's laws have over me and how I choose to raise and discipline my child. I'll be the first to say I will not ever hit my child. In our house we 'use our words, not our hands to express our feelings.'  Regardless, is there some sort of rule book out there? I went to the CPS website and could not find one. (Which, FYI, each state has their own website, rules and guidelines!) I understand common sense, but thanks to some crazy over the top law makers and stupid parents, I am really concerned about what laws I don't know about in regard to raising my own child the way I want.

Do you live in fear too? Have you had any experiences with crazy people or CPS?


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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit