Please do not call Child Protective Services (CPS) on us!

At least once a week I have to tell FTD to stop what he is doing or saying, because crazy people will think he is actually the crazy one, and call Child Protective Services (CPS) on his dumb ass. God love my Australian husband for being, without a doubt, the very best father I know... however, the cultural differences between us are always apparent. He lives to make people and our son laugh, at any cost, even 'costs' that Americans may not fully see the humor in.

For example, every time we go to the grocery store we are stopped by at least 5 strangers wanting to gawk at Ollie. For every question the stranger has, FTD has an inappropriate or shocking answer for. Most times, 5 out of 5, those people are sorry they stopped us, leave either confused or shaking their heads, or after an explanation have a laugh.

 1. Stranger: "What a beautiful baby. How old is he?"
    FTD:  "Twelve. He has a strange disease that keeps him looking 8 months old forever."
 2. Stranger: "What a Happy baby!"
     FTD:  "We put Pepsi Max in his bottle. Keeps him awake and smiling all day!"

3. Stranger: "On my what a Big baby!"
    FTD:  "She feeds him the titty milk."  (Seriously, he says this.  So awkward!)

4. Stranger: "What a handsome little guy.  What's his name?"
    FTD: "La Shankqua."  Then he tells the stranger, "La Sankqua was born on the mighty banks of the Nile river."
5. Stranger: "What a pretty baby!  Is that a boy or a girl."
    FTD: "Both, it's a hermaphrodite. We haven't decided which thing we want clipped." (This one kills me. FTD insist that if the person in too stupid to see he is a boy, he deserves a stupid answer.)

I cannot stop him. He will say anything to get a rise out of me, or the stranger brave enough to talk to us. Most people realize he is full of it, but others need to be reassured he is just joking.

Oliver is FTD's best friend. FTD pushes him around in the stroller or grocery cart talking away about his day, asking Oliver all kinds of silly question, or his opinion on something. I'll admit, he all together looks like a crazy person.  The other day he begged to climb a fire truck with Ollie so they could get a picture with the massive hoses. Super funny, but to people who do not know us, we... he looked nuts.

I am very sensitive I know, but I am so afraid FTD's silly mouth, jokes or antics are going to get us in trouble. Honestly, I am afraid all of the time of CPS.  I know it's all about using common sense, but the laws change all of the time.  I am so paranoid...

Can take out the garbage while Ollie is napping?  What if I accidentally lock myself out and have to call the police, will they arrest me for taking out the garbage and leaving my son in the house all alone?  How long can I take my eyes off of Oliver? What if he gets hurt banging into something crawling, can I get in trouble?  I know that may seem extreme, but I really worry about this stuff.

I remind myself that Ollie really is a SUPER happy baby. He smiles at everyone, and laughs all of the time, surely that would show CPS we are awesome parents? Still, who knows anymore what is ok and what is not? Can FTD's big silly mouth get us in trouble?  Can a trip to the car while Ollie is sleeping get him taken away?  Or am I just a big paranoid freak who needs to calm down?

What gets me is that I grew up in the days of no seat belt laws, a mom who could constantly threaten my brother and I, "If you two do not calm down, you can wait for me in the car." Even though I grew up in Miami, I remember plenty of times sitting in the car while my mom went in paid for gas, totally legal. Or, not that my mom was a spanker at all, I know she could slap my hand or swat my butt in public and get an applause if I was being a terror. That was the late 70's early 80's, that shit does not fly now.

I wonder how much authority today's laws have over me and how I choose to raise and discipline my child. I'll be the first to say I will not ever hit my child. In our house we 'use our words, not our hands to express our feelings.'  Regardless, is there some sort of rule book out there? I went to the CPS website and could not find one. (Which, FYI, each state has their own website, rules and guidelines!) I understand common sense, but thanks to some crazy over the top law makers and stupid parents, I am really concerned about what laws I don't know about in regard to raising my own child the way I want.

Do you live in fear too? Have you had any experiences with crazy people or CPS?


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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Unknown said...

Bahahahaha! Ummmm, yes I totally know what you mean!
With my stepsons, I've always made jokes with them about giving them 'the bash' if they don't listen to me, much to their amusement (just to clarify, 'the bash' in our house consists of either a tickle fight, a kissy face attack complete with lipstick, or a watergun fight - never an actual bout of violence!) All fun and games until one of them declared at school that his stepmum frequently threatens him with the bash, and follows through every time. Even worse, I taught at the same school! Luckily the teacher knew me well enough to spot what was going on, but that could have ended very badly :-S I do worry about the how-far-is-too-far line, just like you, with filling up the car with petrol, or going out to feed the cows or check the mail ('cause we all know the mailbox and I are best buds haha) while bubba is asleep. It's so hard not to worry, although I'm pretty sure worrying is actually a sign you're NOT doing it wrong...?

I give ridiculous answers too, I'm not very tolerant of rudeness, and I tend to find myself rather amusing haha. My worst ones would be, when asked why the name we chose, I responded with "the other option was Awanke" (pron. ah-wank-aye), or when confronted with a comment about the size of bubbas head, "your ass is big too, but you don't see strangers mentioning that one do ya?!"
My husband hates that I do that, but considering his standard response is fairly expletive laden, I think mine is far more appropriate, especially in front of the kids!

Melissa Juliet said...

This is so funny!
You should be proud! Not many dads are that funny!

Glad I found this blog!
-Melissa Juliet

Unknown said...

That's freakin' awesome. Sorry- I know how being on the end of standing next to someone with no filter is, but on this end? It's awesome. The comments? Eh, he's just a smartass, the CPS guidelines? Damn- good point. I have the same thing with taking the dogs outside- or trying to do any yard work- I often have Chase sitting in his stroller or highchair in the garage (door open!) or porch while I'm playing with weeds or whatever. I still worry that although he's in my sight that people will flip. Or, yeah, getting the mail (this was the first 6 months of paranoia), or trying to grill (yesterday- I had him in his highchair looking through the screen door at me).

Hell, all the know-it-all-nosey-ass-people out there will usually say something anyway. Like Kaely riding her bike home from school last week- I always carry her helmet back with me (because I don't want it filled with rain while she's in class, and she'll forget & leave it in class if she takes it)... anyway, I had accidentally left it hanging on my sister's bicycle since I'd ridden with her that morning. Completely forgot it as I walked with Chase & his stroller that afternoon. Some grandma-looking lady wanted to start a fight with me about the fact she wasn't wearing a helmet. The ONE time we forgot it, as we're on a sidewalk, and I'm walking with her. Don't make me take off my earrings! But as another mom said the same week about her kid taking her shoes off (and another person had to say something to her about it)- "My kid, my problem."

Definitely a fine-line between it all- child endangerment and all the other issues... sucks to have yet one more thing to worry about with raising a kid :/

foodpixie said...

FTD=Hilarious. My Hubs is not much of a joker in public, but he always manages to try to be funny in front of people who really count like our pediatrician. I always have to explain "he's joking." But I know our Doc will take one look at the baby and know she's great.

As far as CPS, I wouldn't worry. From what I've read they do one of 3 things: Nothing, phone you, or visit. If they visit, they do not need a warrant, let them in. (Personally I would feel more comfortable if a 3rd party were there.) They are looking for signs of abuse or malnourishment, and if your house is absolutely f-ing disgusting. If you have garbage piling up and rotting food and filth, drugs laying around, etc. Apparently, not letting them in raises the flags.

Chewylicious said...

HAHAHAHa that is awesome! I think FTD is awesome...my dh would be exactly the same!!! hahaha he does this EVEN NOW with random things....and we don't even have a kid yet....FTD+DH are just like kids hahaha I love this post! At least I don't feel like I'm stuck with the only dork! hhaha love yah girlie!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Shay... I wish the four of us could hang out! Our Husbands Cussing away. Us not putting up with any Bull shit, a bottle of wine and a few pints... GOOD TIMES..

I am also going to start using 'the bash' too. I LOVE it! I just threatened FTD with it.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

I am proud that he keeps me laughing... However, being married to the class clown is difficult at times in public.

I'm glad you found me too!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

I wish people would just mind their own damn business! 5 years ago no one used a helmet! Not saying it is ok, but seriously, I bet her children didn't have one.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

Oh yes, jokes in front of the Doc... Adam is even worse in front of the female nurses. No where is safe.

Thanks for the list... As anal as I am CPS is welcome to have a look around.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

You just wait... It gets old fast! Luckily you can run away now... when the kid is strapped into the stroller your DH is pushing... you are stuck!


Anonymous said...

A family friend told me about her attempts at sleep training her oldest child when he was two. He would not sleep in his crib/bed and would insist upon sleeping in their room. In addition, he would wake her up at least once a night to go get him milk... then fall asleep before he would finish more than a couple of sips. So they decided enough was enough.
She and her husband took turns carrying him back into his room and put him in bed each time he came into their room. He screamed bloody murder. They put a sippy cup of water next to the bed for when he got thirsty. He screamed bloody murder. They held firm and no one got sleep the first night. The second night, two hours in to the new routine and their little boy throwing a fit, they had a knock at the door. It was the police. Their neighbors had called because they believed he was being beaten. The cop, thankfully, had children as well and understood completely. 25 years later, she still remembers that weekend vividly. Oh, and the sleep training? He went to bed without one fussy moment on night three.

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

That is exactly what I am afraid of! I had a friend whose baby had Colic. He neighbors called the police as well. Such a fine line for both sides.

Sorry kid, your mom doesn't play well with others said...

Holy shit! That is hilarious.