Dear old dad. Dear old do what ever you want dad. Dear old you have got to be kidding me dad! My wonderful husband and his wonderful ideas have made co-parenting an interesting quest in my house. Here are a few examples of his brilliance...
1. "I read that if you eat heaps of chocolate you will make waterfalls of chocolate titty milk." -FTD
2. In the early days of nursing I had to pump around the clock to keep my milk supply up. We were having to wash and boil bottles and pump parts around the clock too. I walked in on FTD just rinsing everything in hot water then placing the bottle parts on the rack to dry. Concerned I asked, "WTF?" To which FTD answers, "I read on the Dr. Browns website that soap and a sponge are not necessary. All you need to do is give the stuff a good rinse." To which I say, "WTF?" Dear old dad says, "It's titty milk not mud, it doesn't need all that washing business." Rest assured I dropped a few more "F" bombs and rectified the situation.
3.While taking a much needed nap, dad and Ollie were left to their own devises. I hear FTD yelling at something. I jump out of bed to find him playing Grand Theft Auto with Ollie sitting next to him. I say, "WTF?" FTD says, "What? the kid needs to learn his mad GTA skills from an early age to become part of the 1% of GTA gamer awesomeness." REALLY?!
4. "He loves it!" This is FTD's answer for everything he does with Ollie that I do not think is suitable. For example: watching Rambo, watching dad play angry birds on his iPhone, watching Monkey Magic, letting Ollie fuss on his belly for too long. Basically anytime Oliver fusses or is up to no good under dads watch, FTD says, "Don't worry he loves it!" My friends, Ollie doesn't love it, FTD does.
5. I was running late with a friend, so FTD had to get Ollie started eating his solids for the night. Sometimes we make Ollie's food, sometimes we feed him jars of Earth's Best or Ella's Organic. Oliver loves Spinach and green beans regardless of who makes it. He's not really a fan of fruit or sweets. I get home to find FTD feeding Ollie what looks like the fourth jar of food. I walk closer to see a spoon full missing out of all four. I say, "WTF?" FTD says,"The green ones smell like shit, and the fruity ones he makes faces at. I don't think he likes the food." I just wanted to scream! FTD doesn't like the food. For once I was the one saying, "He LOVES it!"
6. Every morning FTD gets up with Ollie to let me sleep an extra half hour or so before he needs to be fed. In doing so, FTD chooses his clothing for the day. He has yet to dress Oliver in anything other than super hero or camo outfits.
7. The other day we picked up FTD's favorite vanilla frosty from Wendy's. I nearly crashed the car when I looked in the rear view mirror to see FTD letting Ollie have a lick of the spoon. I really did think I was going to have a heart attack. All I could say was "That is so unacceptable!" No surprise FTD says, "He loves it!" UNACCEPTABLE! I really thought Ollie's intestines were going to break. They didn't.
8. I found a pile of diapers, 4 or 5 that looked used by the change table. I asked FTD what was up, and he said,"Those are the nappies I took off of him before his baths that I wasn't sure if he pissed or not, or they looked like they only had a little piss. I thought I would save them just in case we ran out." ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!
9. The other morning FTD put Oliver in his high chair for me to feed while I got dressed. After I finished feeding him I pulled him out of the chair and found a half of piece of toast covered in Vegemite stuck to his leg. "WTF?" FTD informs me that, "Oliver is Australian. Australian babies need Vegemite."
10. And finally The other day I come out to find Oliver dressed in a long sleeved Batman zip-up footy onesie. Upon closer inspection I realized the feet were cut off. I asked FTD "WTF?" and was informed that, "It was cold, and I couldn't find anything warm that fit. So I cut the feet off so Oliver could wear the bloody outfit."
Ladies. Something tells me you might have a tale to tell too. Lets get the Daddy fail list going!
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