Dad Fail Top 10

Dear old dad. Dear old do what ever you want dad. Dear old you have got to be kidding me dad! My wonderful husband and his wonderful ideas have made co-parenting an interesting quest in my house. Here are a few examples of his brilliance...

1. "I read that if you eat heaps of chocolate you will make waterfalls of chocolate titty milk." -FTD

2. In the early days of nursing I had to pump around the clock to keep my milk supply up. We were having to wash and boil bottles and pump parts around the clock too.  I walked in on FTD just rinsing everything in hot water then placing the bottle parts on the rack to dry.  Concerned I asked, "WTF?"  To which FTD answers, "I read on the Dr. Browns website that soap and a sponge are not necessary. All you need to do is give the stuff a good rinse."  To which I say, "WTF?"  Dear old dad says, "It's titty milk not mud, it doesn't need all that washing business." Rest assured I dropped a few more "F" bombs and rectified the situation.

3.While taking a much needed nap, dad and Ollie were left to their own devises.  I hear FTD yelling at something.  I jump out of bed to find him playing Grand Theft Auto with Ollie sitting next to him.  I say, "WTF?" FTD says, "What? the kid needs to learn his mad GTA skills from an early age to become part of the 1% of GTA gamer awesomeness."  REALLY?!

4. "He loves it!"  This is FTD's answer for everything he does with Ollie that I do not think is suitable.  For example: watching Rambo, watching dad play angry birds on his iPhone, watching Monkey Magic, letting Ollie fuss on his belly for too long.  Basically anytime Oliver fusses or is up to no good under dads watch, FTD says, "Don't worry he loves it!" My friends, Ollie doesn't love it, FTD does.

5. I was running late with a friend, so FTD had to get Ollie started eating his solids for the night.  Sometimes we make Ollie's food, sometimes we feed him  jars of Earth's Best or Ella's Organic.  Oliver loves Spinach and green beans regardless of who makes it.  He's not really a fan of fruit or sweets.  I get home to find FTD feeding Ollie what looks like the fourth jar of food. I walk closer to see a spoon full missing out of all four.  I say, "WTF?"  FTD says,"The green ones smell like shit, and the fruity ones he makes faces at. I don't think he likes the food."  I just wanted to scream!  FTD doesn't like the food.  For once I was the one saying, "He LOVES it!"

6. Every morning FTD gets up with Ollie to let me sleep an extra half hour or so before he needs to be fed.  In doing so, FTD chooses his clothing for the day.  He has yet to dress Oliver in anything other than super hero or camo outfits.

7. The other day we picked up FTD's favorite vanilla frosty from Wendy's.  I nearly crashed the car when I looked in the rear view mirror to see FTD letting Ollie have a lick of the spoon. I really did think I was going to have a heart attack.  All I could say was "That is so unacceptable!"  No surprise FTD says, "He loves it!" UNACCEPTABLE!  I really thought Ollie's intestines were going to break. They didn't.

8. I found a pile of diapers, 4 or 5 that looked used by the change table.  I asked FTD what was up, and he said,"Those are the nappies I took off of him before his baths that I wasn't sure if he pissed or not, or they looked like they only had a little piss.  I thought I would save them just in case we ran out."  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!

9. The other morning FTD put Oliver in his high chair for me to feed while I got dressed. After I finished feeding him I pulled him out of the chair and found a half of piece of toast covered in Vegemite stuck to his leg. "WTF?"  FTD informs me that, "Oliver is Australian. Australian babies need Vegemite."

10.  And finally The other day I come out to find Oliver dressed in a long sleeved Batman zip-up footy onesie.  Upon closer inspection I realized the feet were cut off.  I asked FTD "WTF?" and was informed that, "It was cold, and I couldn't find anything warm that fit. So I cut the feet off so Oliver could wear the bloody outfit."

Ladies. Something tells me you might have a tale to tell too.  Lets get the Daddy fail list going!

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


Unknown said...

LOL!! Oh my goodness, the vanilla frosty - men are shockers! I told hubby about it, he just looked at me with a blank expression and went 'yeah? so what?' Mind you, he is the man who told his other sons they could feed the baby french fries, so long as I wasn't in the room!
He is also guilty of cutting the feet off onesies because they no longer fit.
I've drawn a blank on ALL the others though... ooh except for trying to teach a 3 month old to play Pull My Finger. Lovely!

Alissa said...

Love this!! The not properly cleaning the bottles/pump parts happens regularily in my house... It's sort of like Andy not cleaning the shower because we use soap in there, so it's always clean... ummm...no... But I do have to say that FTD and I are a lot alike in regards to letting the babies try new foods. I remember stopping at Wendy's this summer and getting some french fries... yeah I let James try them. Andy was not impressed, but James loved it so much!!

So these are the top 5 daddy fails have happened...

1. Dad likes to let James hang out in the nude on the livingroom floor. You guessed it... piss everywhere... his excuse "I only walked away for a second... and he liked it!"

2. Regularily using my clothing as a burp rag if he can't find one... Use your own dang shirt, not my nice clean clothes!!!

3. Dad doesn't always properly clean James when giving him a bath... The other day I found massive dirty build up of stuff behind James's ears... When I asked the hubs about it he said that he figured behind the ears got cleaned when he washed James's hair... This reminds me of his theory on not cleaning the shower...

4.Back when I was pumping around the clock... Hubby used to tell me that my pumping time was a time I could kick back and relax, have a few moments to myself... Uh...no... I despised pumping more than anything when it was 10pm and Dad is all tucked in bed drifting off to la-la-land and I'm sitting up with the pump yanking on the girls... Let's just say that after his first comment like that he was relegated to sitting up with me and keeping me company during my "relaxing pump time".

5.Finally, Dad likes to get James all riled up immediately after having a giant bottle or right before he wants to nap or go to bed... because he wants to play! It usually results in a giant puddle of spew everywher with dad freaking out and not knowing what to do because he's covered in puke and James crying because dad wanted to play and all he wants to do is sleep... and then mom swoops in to clean up and calm everyone down... fun times!!

By the way... I love your idea of taking readers suggestions!! I might have a few up my sleeve :)

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

I suppose all of these Fails are really showing the need for dads. Someone has to teach these babies their naughy traits.

The pull my finger is priceless! LOL!!

FirstTimeMomandDad.com said...

LOL! Alissa I love this! The baby in Kindergarten talking about beer brewing ad the Lawn should be an SNL skit. And what is that playing and over stimulating before bed? That should be on my list too!

Unknown said...

Hahaha! I, too, walked in a couple weeks ago from my vacation trip (aka, grocery shopping all by myself) to Dave & Kaely playing MarioKart with Chase sitting on the couch between them glued to the tv... or of course the "boxing match" set up between Chase & his cousin... or as always, "What? He woke up a lot last night? Oh, I didn't hear a thing..." -UGH!

foodpixie said...

Update on the disposable diaper in the wash. Luckily I got it after the rinse and before the real wash so it wasn't obliterated. I did the wash and dry per usual and I didn't even have to take it outside to shake out.

So, including the disposable diaper, all our Daddy fails have to do mainly with washing.
1. Daddy washed the bottles with too much soap and doesn't scrub them properly, result-Diarrhea.
2. Daddy washed the cloth diapers with too much soap, result-severe diaper rash.
3. Daddy washes the baby with too much soap, result-undetermined since I swoop in and do a clean water rinse.
4. Daddy doesn't think cloth diapers need a "yuck" rinse before the wash, result-me saying Ewww, Gross! After all, I just learned this year that our machine does not spin and rinse between heavy, regular, and short washes. It just keeps washing in the same filthy water for longer.

Layes Landing said...

Thank you FTD for letting us have a laugh at your expense!! Now behave!