Candy Coated Crap - The DAD files.

Howdy All.  I see that the mums have been all excited in sharing their "Candy Coated Crap" stories and thought I'd point out that we dads also have some tales of awesomeness in this area too! So ladies...sit back and relax with a lukewarm cup of organic free-range almond milk and READ ON!!!

1.  Have a box of cigars ready when the kid is born.

So...the baby popped out, he had all his fingers and toes, the wife is being sewn up, all is good - TIME FOR A CIGAR!  Nothing like a mouthful of thick velvety vanilla flavoured tobacco smoke to celebrate the birth of the first-born huh?  Well...what a load of crap that was!  I had to walk over a mile before finding the bloody smoking area and the seats were all full of nurses, old people with oxygen carts and cafeteria staff smoking away and complaining about their salaries.  Spoilt my whole morning!

2.  Cutting the umbilical cord

It has been said that a fathers first duty is to cut the umbilical cord - the moment when the baby is physically severed from the mother and is welcomed into the world by the strong and steady hands of the father brandishing surgical steel scissors!  I was naturally a little bit anxious but ready to go!  Unfortunately, the moment was denied and instead there was a feeble, token gesture of cutting a small piece off the end well after the separation had occurred and all the measurements and health checks were done.  The young nurse handed me a pair of children's novelty scissors and with a feigned celebratory smirk, said "go can do it". Spoilt my whole afternoon! 

3.  Batteries

Wow...look at all the cool baby stuff you have!  Yeah!!!  What most Dads don't realise is that all these stupid bouncy, rocking, rolling, vibrating, flashing, musical crap-boxes need a constant supply of Energizer or Duracell batteries which cost BIG dollar!  Of course, the ladies have no understanding of electricity these days other than using a microwave, so I spend precious MINUTES each day following the wife around switching off kiddie toys! 

4.  Baby's first shits

I've mentioned this before but nothing NOTHING can prepare you for the sight of jet-black molasses-like oily BLACK shits in the first day after the birth!  I literally jumped back, called the nurse and pointed at his ass, shrieking hysterically. 

5.  Lack of sleep (reverse candy coating)

I can't count the many times that an all-knowing Dad has patted me on the back, rocked a cheesy smile and said "get all the sleep you can NOW cause it's gonna get worse when she has the baby".  Well, as an insomniac, I get to share the late night hours with the baby so...suffer in your jocks dads, it's all fun and games when mummy is not looking!

6. First daddy feeding

My first solo feeding moment was a magical affair.  3:30am the sniffling starts and the kraken awakes screaming for his milk. I was prepared and ready for action - bottle warmed, spew rag on the shoulder, Mummy asleep, nightlight on - CHECK!  I changed his diaper, sat down in the rocking chair in all my fatherly glory (undies and a singlet) and put the bottle to the lips.  Within MINUTES I had a disproportionately huge torrent of spew dripping down my chest, the diaper MUST have been a faulty one cause there was piss drizzling down my knickers. All glory is gone. Nice!

7. Look after your wife

My Mum back home told me to look after the 'ole wife more than usual in the weeks after the birth because of all the pain, mental fatigue and sore tits etc etc.  What Mum didn't prepare me for was having to stand over the wife while she was grunting on the crapper with a plastic fork, enema and a box of moist towelettes in my hand, ready to excavate if need be.  Thanks Mum!

8.  Shit in the bath 

Bath-time is an awesome, fun experience for parents and babies to connect!  Really? I suppose it may be awesome for a minute or two BUT when I first saw a spray of brown fizzy pulp shooting up from the backside of my infant son, rising through the water to float on the bubbly surface, I was less than amused.  Even worse was the long, stringy snake-like turd that shot out in the bath a few days later only to stick like super glue to the back of my hand.

Any Dads out there with a Candy Coated Crap of their own to share?

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Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit