Observations and lessons learned during week 4 of parenthood

1. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done. Yes, harder than passing calculous and getting over my first broken heart combined!
2. Baby likes bath! Granted he screams on the way into the bath and on the way out, but once he's in it's 100% happy baby boy!
3. Running water will stop my son from crying on cue! I know this because I nearly took video for YouTube. Water on all quiet. Water off not quiet.
4. An overtired baby is quite possibly the closest to the end of the world I've ever gotten.
5. I have no idea what the date, day or time is because it doesn't matter anymore. My son keeps the time for both of us... Feeding time, diaper time, nap time, bath time... Mommy swallow dinner whole time...
6. Yep, NOTHING can prepare you for parenting. Not even will the hard day before guarantee the next will be easier. I'm 30 days in and scared for tomorrows lesson.
7. I was wrong, I can survive on little to no sleep, and so can daddy. I don't mean he can also survive on little sleep, I mean I haven't killed him yet for getting more sleep than me.
8. My son screaming feels like getting punched in the stomach. It's so hard to hear it and I really do feel a pain in my belly. Sucks!
9. I've heard a breastfed baby's dirty diapers smell way better than a formula fed baby's. Holy crap that's scary! My sons diapers are rank! And my other favorite is that the smell of a breastfed baby's diaper is "sweet." Compared to what? Baby elephant?
10. I need a nurse and a nanny. Oh and a housekeeper too!
11. I've learned how to lay in bed and breastfeed! It's the greatest thing I learned how to do during week 4. I read about the position and by the second try we had it. High five baby Ollie! Now every morning daddy brings Ollie to me, I feed, daddy comes back to get Ollie and I go back to sleep. Yes! Yes! Yes!
12. I'm still amazed that my son does three things Eats, Sleeps and Poos, yet it is a full-time job keeping up with it all.
13. I had to pack up the "newborn" clothes since he's already too big for them and it made me cry. He's getting so big so fast. I'm already worrying about college!
14. Holding my son close and letting him fall to sleep on my chest is my favorite. There's nothing I love doing more in this world!
15. Between Oliver's wardrobe changes from spit-ups and mom sucks at putting on diaper leaks, burp cloths, my wardrobe changes, also from spit-ups and getting peed on, and other random baby bits, I do a load of laundry nearly every day!
16. I sometimes get super hot and sweat like a pig when breastfeeding. It's usually during one of our 40 minute plus sittings. It's kind of gross, definitely uncomfortable and when it's over I drink a gallon of water. Hmm I suppose it's similar to Zumba class where everyone knows what they are doing except me.
17. I cannot wait until winter is over so Ollie and I can go for walks. I'm feeling so cooped up its like the movie the Shinning in my house. All breastfeeding and no play makes mommy a psycho bitch!
18. I have no freaking clue how mothers of multiples have a ounce of sanity. One is more than enough for me. Two is just beyond my realm of understanding. To all the mothers of multiples out there... You are Super (Duper) Heros! Well done! I can't throw a pity party for long knowing you are out there doing the damn thing with two babies strapped to your chest.
19. I have nearly mastered dressing my son. If your baby is anything like mine, you have 1.4 seconds to get the outfit on before the screams if annoyance start barreling out at you. Ollie would happily be naked baby all day.
20. Holy crap my son is a month old today! How does it go so quickly! Happy one month birthday to my sweet son and his far away friend Cooper! Amazing how time flys...

Dads top five this past month...

1. The scariest moment so far - Only a few hours after the birth and I was informed by a rather smug nurse that the little fella needed a diaper change. My nerves were building, the sweat was a dripping! After all ...this was my first EVER unaided diaper change. I prepared myself mentally, slowly peeled back the innocent yellow tabs and witnessed a horrifying sight...thick black pasty Vegemite evil shit! I was stunned and thought that Satan had popped the sump-plug on my son's ass. I backed away in horror, retching and ran back to the safety of my Pepsi-max bottle. Of course, I heard the nurses giggling and laughing like hyenas and worked out that this was some bizarre natural joke from mother-nature but what I witnessed that day will be etched in my mind for years to come! New Dads BE Prepared for the Satan-Shit!

2. DO NOT assume that because the baby is OUT, your partner will return to a normal state of mind instantly! We have all witnessed acts of ridiculous anger, crying and general stupidity over the past few months as our wives or girlfriends have grown in size. This is attributed to the so-called "baby-brain" - whatever! Sadly my brothers...it doesn't get any better when the nugget slops out! When your baby vomits on mummy, it's YOUR fault because the TV's too loud! If the titty-milk isn't flowing, it's because YOU didn't get the mail from the mailbox! Uh, Oh...baby's crying again - DADDY forgot to unload the dishwasher! Awesome!

3. First walk in the "baby Bjorn" chest-carrying device down to the local shops. The feeling of pride and happiness soon turns to a grimacing nightmare of discomfort as you are greeted by EVERY bloody person in the street wanting to touch, squeeze, goo-goo, poke or harass the poor little bugger! The Ohhhhh's and Ahhhhh's from random people grind away at the mind after a few minutes, and you quickly begin to scan the streets for camouflage opportunities - not unlike a seasoned military soldier in Iraq, ducking and weaving down the street until you can beat a hasty retreat back to the safety of your house.

 4. The first time you hear the word Daddy, Father or Parent in a formal sense! Hits you like a ton of bricks when you're trying to figure out your taxes, birth certificate, credit card application or doing an online survey! YES...you really are a dad now! Beejesus!

5. lack of sleep! This is a perfect opportunity to take advantage of the early morning advertisements on cable. In the last month I've been held captive with the ramblings of coked-up hyper men and women trying to sell the most bizarre devices and inventions ever known to man. From "handyman in a can" rubber spray to "Magic Jack" with the digeredoos playing in the background, "The Rack" with the oiled up dude flicking about his geriatric walker or what about the seemingly endless supply of $20 "unique" buffalo coins clad in 0.36c of 24k pure gold? The only thing that actually held my interest is the NEW oxy-clean wash which claims to remove ANY stain including my son's poops!

Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com