7/27/17

The First-Timer's Guide To Week 2- Trading Your Soul To The Devil For Sleep

Today's post is a treat for both Mom's and Dad's!  The wild Australian has given his week two lessons in his usual ridiculous fashion!



Mom's top ten list

1. Just when I thought I could not get anymore tired... Surprise, I can! I can even function in some strange sort of way on only two consecutive hours of sleep. Granted function means, feed baby, feed me, bathe baby, bathe me. If I did anything else during week two I don't remember.

2.The older and bigger my son gets, the stronger the stream and further the reach of his fire hose.
3. Breastfeeding gets easier in the second week. However, it still is not fun, awesome, or easy. My nipples are still sore little mountains of shreded pain. But, I can see how maybe with time and practice breastdeeding will not suck.

4. Now that my husband and I have changed 44 poopy diapers each, we yell "not it" when the time comes for changing. There is no more Mr. Nice guy in my house. If we could train the cat to change the baby we would. Hell if we could train the baby to use the litter box, that would be epic!

5. While it's becoming more of a chore to shower and eat everyday, I do feel 250% better every time I do. Everyday I force myself to do it, even if it is right before I go to bed at night.

6. If I don't eat I try to kill my husband with words and dirty looks.

7. Unfortunately, I am falling back into that frustration and annoyance with my husband that I harbored during pregnancy. I'm working on it... he doesn't deserve it. I'm just jealous that he gets to sleep at night.

8.My son hates sponge baths! He screams and yells and wants his clothes back on STAT! I feel so bad hearing him scream and cry, but all I can think is that if I don't he will have an itchy booty and then he will really be mad at me.

9. I know why we get 6-8 weeks for maternity leave... thanks to the sleep deprivation, crappy diet and constantly feeding baby, there is no way on earth we could accomplish anything that requires serious brain power.

10. My son gets more adorable everyday and I miss him when I am not holding him. I LOVE being a Mom!!!

Dad's top ten list

1. Discover the "Baby Aisle" in the supermarket and buy crap that you will never need just cause it's 4am - Handy hint! - It's usually near the feminine hygiene products and the other useless aisle that nobody goes to with all the health foods.

2. When the diaper containment unit is full...put your hand in a plastic bag and "Fist" those diapers down until you have more room. Feels nice like a giant squishy stress ball.
3. Remember to check your back and shoulders in a mirror before going into public...1 in 5 chance of a big streak of baby spew that you forgot about from earlier in the day is crusted on like a dirty great bird-shit.

4. Diapers have a numbering system apparently...N means "newborn" not "night-time" and 1, 2, 3, means months...not years - smartarses!

5. Follow the wife around and check that the seventy or so electronic swings, mats, pads, sleepers, bouncers, light-show thingos etc etc are in the OFF position when she's done with them so you can minimize the weekly battery budget from $100 to $10.

6. When changing your son and he's naked between diapers THEN he starts to whizz and dump at the same time...quickly put the shitty old diaper back on and don't waste the new one!

7. When the wife has gone somewhere for an hour or so, take the baby into the bathroom and leave it on the mat in front of you while you take a dump. It's probably not 100% hygienic but the sense of revenge is very satisfying.

8. Forget about the Playstation3...it is DEAD to you...probably forever! Don't even bother thinking about it. Your wife is itching to explode in fury if you even glance at the controller AND then you'll have to listen to the "you don't see ME playing games" lecture ! Whewww!

9. The myth of babies having soft heads is bullshit! When burping watch out for the casual head-butt...trust me...that head can loosen a tooth!

10. Have fun when buying your wife suppositries, an enema kit and other sundry anal products...I enjoy watching the check-out chicks' faces when I slam them on the conveyor-belt...grimace, groan and then slowly plop an obscenely large cucumber, pineapple or summer sausage down then give 'em a cheeky wink!




April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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