4/1/15

#EpicFail My Son's First Memory Of Me Is An F-Bomb Explosion

Do you ever think about your child's first memory of you, and what it will be?

Thanks to my mom paranoia, I think about it all the time, because I'm POSITIVE it will be one of my freakouts. You know, a GO TO BED battle, or an EAT YOUR VEGGIES stand off, or a road rage outburst after being cut off and nearly killed. Surely, it won't be of a the good times, nooooooo.... My mom guilt and paranoia won't allow for that.  

Well, now that my son is three, I'm sure the memories are going to start sticking like glue, which is great because I had my ULTIMATE F-bomb meltdown that I am sure is going to be his first memory.  



Allow me to enlighten you...

Picture it: Warm sunny spring day.  The birds are chirping, the sun is shinning though the house, the toddler is wild. 

All-in-all, a lovely warm day.  

I decided to break out the Popsicle molds and make our first round of homemade Popsicles for the season.  I called Ollie in, and let him help me add the ingredients to the blender. Once we finished making the Popsicles, I sent Ollie to the bathroom to wash his hands while I cleaned up the kitchen.

Two minutes later, he's standing there pantless upset that he has pee all down his right leg and foot.

Me: "What happened, buddy?"

Ollie: "I peed on myself when I was trying to do a big-boy pee in daddy's sink."

Me: "WHAT?!"

I followed him into the bathroom to find pee all over the sink... DAMMIT!

I know it was an honest mistake since he is learning to pee like a big boy (Standing up) thanks to FTD's death wish teaching him how to effectively hose a bathroom down.  I tried to stay calm while cleaning up the sink and him.  I explained that he should NOT pee in the sink, and that for now he should only pee standing up when daddy is there to help.  

We go upstairs, get new clothes on and then back to the kitchen I go to finish cleaning up...

Two minutes later, he's standing at the kitchen door holding a dirty hand towel...

Me: "What's that?"

Ollie: "I'm helping you clean up! I washed the floors and walls!"

Me:  "Oh. God. Ollie... how did you get that towel wet?"

I followed him into the bathroom...

Now, my long time readers are most likely yelling out NO NO NO NOT AGAIN!!!  Because, for those just joining, I had an incident with Ollie moping the floors with toilet water. (You can read about that here, Be Very Afraid If Your Child Says This To You...)  



Well... my friends, you are right.  There standing in the bathroom was Ollie, soaked in toilet water. The floors and walls the same.  

Me?  I'm standing in it too... on the carpet. Wet toilet water soaked carpet. 

He has effectively soaked the bathroom floor, part of FTD's office rug, and the walls between the two.  The longer I stand there, the more my pants are soaking up the pee water.  

After surveying the situation, I did what anyone would expect of any normal rational adult after JUST cleaning up pee five minutes earlier.

Out of my mouth came:

Fu*k.

FU*K!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

FUCKSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKSHIT!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

No. 

Buddy. No.

You know better...

I lost it. 

But not in a crazy angry mom way.  

More of a why-is-this-happening-to-me-AGAIN kind of way! 

I couldn't move.  I didn't know what to do.  

I was standing in a puddle of pee. Ollie WAS a puddle of pee. 

Basically, everywhere I looked I saw toilet germs.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I ordered him into the bathtub, not to clean him, but more to coral him while I figured out what to do. 

After completely disinfecting the bathroom, FTD's office, the rug, the kitchen, Ollie and then me, we sat down and had a long talk about not playing in the toilet EVER EVER EVER EVER again. And then we talked about mommy's F-bomb explosion and how it was naughty, and that I shouldn't have said that bad word. SO MANY TIMES!!!  (Truth be told, even the Pope would have dropped an F-bomb in that fu*ked-up situation.)

I sincerely hope Ollie's first memory of his childhood doesn't include an f-bomb or freak out... But seeing as how he is a bat-shit crazy toddler, constantly testing his boundaries and my patience, most likely it will.

Happy April Fools Day!  It's safe to say, me, April, am certainly feeling like a foul mouth f-bomb dropping fool! Sometimes, I think the toddler years are really one big April Fools Day Joke!

p.s. Please feel free to bookmark this post so you can revisit it when you are feeling like a bad parent and need to be reminded that I'm right there with you! #assholeparent


April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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