12/1/14

The Holidays: Why Do I Do This To Myself EVERY Year?

I don't know why I keep letting them do it, but every year, those bastard holidays sneak up on me and stress me out. Then, in a flash, they are over and my bank account and house are a friggin wreck.

#FAIL

You would think at 36 years old, I'd be better prepared for this annual shitstorm. It's not like the holidays are any big surprise. I know they are coming. So, technically, they aren't even "sneaking" up on me!

Why can't I get it together?

Why do I still insist on waiting until the last minute to do EVERYTHING?

WHY?

How many holiday lines from hell will I have to stand in before I get my holiday gift-giving shit together?


HOW MANY???

Damn that line from hell!

You know the one, where you have the most meaningless small talk with strangers about shit you care NADA about. "Well, my sister... she is so hard to buy for... I thought I'd come down here and find her.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!  I don't give a shit!!!

Still, I listen, laugh when appropriate, and thank God when it's finally my turn.... twenty-five minutes into the stranger's life story...

There's also the part about how I ALWAYS save buying gifts until the LAST minute.  I hate those people who have their holiday shopping done by September.  I hate them, because, secretly, deep down I want to be them. I want to have bows on my shit by Thanksgiving.

I dream of a life without Black Friday Doorbusters keeping me up at night!





Will I ever know that doorbuster-free life?

NO.

For two reasons:

1.  I suck at keeping gifts from the recipient. I want to give the gift the minute I pay for it.  It's a problem; I know. It's such a problem, I use to wrap the presents then give them to my mom to hide from me until Christmas!  Yes, I'm that sad.

2. I'm a procrastinator. A VERY good one. I'm so good at it, if there were an award, I would win it. Always.


To add to my holiday dumbassery, HALF of our gifts have to be shipped to Australia, in three separate packages for a total of 10 people.

Do I start this early?

No.

Why in the hell would I do that?

I FRIGGIN' LOVE THE POST OFFICE DURING THE HOLIDAYS!

Or not.

Talk about the line from hell...

Picture it: Me, standing in 'line from hell #44' kicking boxes down the line, inch by inch, while a stranger tells me her life story, or starts bitching about the fact only one person is working during the holiday's and, "It's bullshit."

I just want to say, It's the holidays; we all are here hating ourselves together.  Let's not turn on the USPS. It's not their fault we suck.



NEVER AGAIN!

Please, Brain of mine, please remember the holidays suck when everything is saved until the last minute.  Please, next year, let's get our shit together in September...



April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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