Caught Between, 'I Am Going To Miss You So Much' and 'PEACE OUT!'

I'm getting on a plane and flying far away from FTD and Ollie. I am really torn about this. Part of me wants to hold Ollie so tight and smother him with kisses and 'I Love Yous' until I leave. The other part of me wants to pack my shit and head to the airport a little early. The mom in me doesn't want to go. The me in me  that is desperate to wear heels and nice clothes and have grown up conversations, is so excited to board that plane for my awesome weekend. Regardless, all of me doesn't feel bad one bit that I am going.

It's hard to believe that in the two-years, two-months and eight days since my son was born, I have not spent more than six hours away from him. No overnights to grandmas house, no business trips or cousin sleepovers. Truth be told, I am OK with that. I miss Ollie when I am away from him for one-hour. So the thought of being away from him for nearly 60 hours is a lot to process!

The only thing holding me back from being 100% stoked to get away (alone) for the weekend is my worry over how Ollie will react to me being gone. I worry about what Ollie will think when mommy doesn't come home for two sleeps? I wonder if he will give FTD hell over going to sleep without mommy. I wonder if he will think I have left him for good...   

I am looking so forward to the weekend. I need to get away and recenter to me.  I need to be off mommy duty for a couple of days.  And well, in addition to all of the awesomeness that is planned...  I am SO SO SO SO looking forward the bed at the hotel. I dream of it's emptiness. I dream of it's quietness. I dream of it's clean sheets that have not had any dirty fingers or snotty noses rubbed all over them. For two nights in a row I get to sleep in a clean bed by myself without the fear of a little toddler staring at me at three in the morning screaming, WAKE UP MOMMY! I only have one word for it, Bliss.  Pure freaking good night sleep bliss!

FYI: That's what my bed heaven looks like...

This may sound silly, but I do wonder how much I will miss him and if my heart will physically hurt being away from him for so long. I know how much I miss him when I am away from him for two hours, so I cannot imagine how much I will miss him when I am away for two days! I insist dropping him off at the church for mommy's day out is the greatest moment of my day, until I go back to pick him up... THAT is the greatest moment of my day.  Oh my gosh I have to stop talking about missing him, it's making me miss him already!

As much of a badass kickass super duper dad FTD is... I'd be lying if I said I was not a little worried about FTD being in charge for the weekend. I know in my heart that FTD is completely capable of looking after Ollie for the weekend. I know the two will probably have the best time eating shit and wrecking the joint. But I also know first-hand that looking after a toddler for six-hours straight is a whole lot of work, so to think FTD is on duty for 60-hours straight... SUCKS!  I have no doubt by the time my plane lands FTD will be one crazed daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if he hands me Ollie and the car keys at the airport and tells me he is going to have a few drinks at the airport bar and will catch a cab home.  I know I would.

FTD when it's all over...
When I get all caught up in should I go, should I not go, I remind myself that I am going, it's going to happen, and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN! I also know that when I get back all will be even better than when I left. Still, it's not easy to just leave, so I have started to hold Ollie a little tighter and closer, and for a little longer before putting him in his crib to sleep. I have also planned a big day for us today so he will have his fill of mom and boy time before I leave... and so will I.

Bottom line: I desperately need this time away, and am so excited for all of the amazing events I get to attend being a brand ambassador for Continental. Still, that doesn't mean I won't spend a good part of my time away wondering what FTD and Ollie are up to, and how much crap they have consumed while wrecking the house...

Have you gone away from your child(ren)?  Please tell me about it...

April is an award-winning writer, blogger and proud debut novelist - The Devlyn Disguise. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more about April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com


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