Caught Between, 'I Am Going To Miss You So Much' and 'PEACE OUT!'

I'm getting on a plane and flying far away from FTD and Ollie. I am really torn about this. Part of me wants to hold Ollie so tight and smother him with kisses and 'I Love Yous' until I leave. The other part of me wants to pack my shit and head to the airport a little early. The mom in me doesn't want to go. The me in me  that is desperate to wear heels and nice clothes and have grown up conversations, is so excited to board that plane for my awesome weekend. Regardless, all of me doesn't feel bad one bit that I am going.


It's hard to believe that in the two-years, two-months and eight days since my son was born, I have not spent more than six hours away from him. No overnights to grandmas house, no business trips or cousin sleepovers. Truth be told, I am OK with that. I miss Ollie when I am away from him for one-hour. So the thought of being away from him for nearly 60 hours is a lot to process!

The only thing holding me back from being 100% stoked to get away (alone) for the weekend is my worry over how Ollie will react to me being gone. I worry about what Ollie will think when mommy doesn't come home for two sleeps? I wonder if he will give FTD hell over going to sleep without mommy. I wonder if he will think I have left him for good...   

I am looking so forward to the weekend. I need to get away and recenter to me.  I need to be off mommy duty for a couple of days.  And well, in addition to all of the awesomeness that is planned...  I am SO SO SO SO looking forward the bed at the hotel. I dream of it's emptiness. I dream of it's quietness. I dream of it's clean sheets that have not had any dirty fingers or snotty noses rubbed all over them. For two nights in a row I get to sleep in a clean bed by myself without the fear of a little toddler staring at me at three in the morning screaming, WAKE UP MOMMY! I only have one word for it, Bliss.  Pure freaking good night sleep bliss!

FYI: That's what my bed heaven looks like...

This may sound silly, but I do wonder how much I will miss him and if my heart will physically hurt being away from him for so long. I know how much I miss him when I am away from him for two hours, so I cannot imagine how much I will miss him when I am away for two days! I insist dropping him off at the church for mommy's day out is the greatest moment of my day, until I go back to pick him up... THAT is the greatest moment of my day.  Oh my gosh I have to stop talking about missing him, it's making me miss him already!

As much of a badass kickass super duper dad FTD is... I'd be lying if I said I was not a little worried about FTD being in charge for the weekend. I know in my heart that FTD is completely capable of looking after Ollie for the weekend. I know the two will probably have the best time eating shit and wrecking the joint. But I also know first-hand that looking after a toddler for six-hours straight is a whole lot of work, so to think FTD is on duty for 60-hours straight... SUCKS!  I have no doubt by the time my plane lands FTD will be one crazed daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if he hands me Ollie and the car keys at the airport and tells me he is going to have a few drinks at the airport bar and will catch a cab home.  I know I would.


FTD when it's all over...
When I get all caught up in should I go, should I not go, I remind myself that I am going, it's going to happen, and it's going to be SO MUCH FUN! I also know that when I get back all will be even better than when I left. Still, it's not easy to just leave, so I have started to hold Ollie a little tighter and closer, and for a little longer before putting him in his crib to sleep. I have also planned a big day for us today so he will have his fill of mom and boy time before I leave... and so will I.

Bottom line: I desperately need this time away, and am so excited for all of the amazing events I get to attend being a brand ambassador for Continental. Still, that doesn't mean I won't spend a good part of my time away wondering what FTD and Ollie are up to, and how much crap they have consumed while wrecking the house...

Have you gone away from your child(ren)?  Please tell me about it...

April is an award-winning writer, blogger and proud debut novelist - The Devlyn Disguise. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more about April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

15 comments:

Mrs. Loquacious said...

Record several short videos of "messages" to Ollie that he can watch on Friday, Sat, and Sun. This helps him "see" you, and if you keep reminding him that you will be back, it might take some of the sting away. I've not been apart from DD for more than 8 hours (she hasn't weaned yet) but I will record a message for her if I am gone longer than 3 hours. I'm told she watches them a lot when she feels emo about my absence!

Cathy Powell said...

Lovely to see you such a close connection with your your son :-)
(of course, sometimes a bit of away time can be also be healthy and not smother him too much with your love ;-))
Nice blog you have, glad to have stumbled upon it :-)

Hug,
Cathy

April FirstTimeMom said...

Oooh! That's a great idea Mrs. L! I will made all kinds of videos. XOXO

April FirstTimeMom said...

Hi Cathy! Thank you so much for your comment and kind words. I love the idea that this will be a healthy thing! Thank you. Hugs!

Alissa said...

I am excited for you to get away!! Yes you will miss him but you will be refreshed and center yourself again. Just think of how happy you will be to see him when you get back. I am a little concerned about FTD... and perhaps the state of your house when you get home but he will do ok. I can't wait to hear how your weekend goes!

April said...

I have left my dd overnight, but never for days. I'm not quite sure how I would handle it. I'm due with #2 in July so I guess I will find out. While breakfast in bed and all that sounds glorious, I'm really worried how R will react when mommy is not only gone for a couple of days, but then brings home a new screaming baby brother for her who hogs all of mommy's attention.......... Heaven help me.....

Quirky Chrissy said...

Get on that plane and DO IT. This is huge. I'm so proud of you and excited for you. I can't wait to hear every word about this trip! Go forth and enjoy. You deserve it.

Crissy said...

I'm a lot like you. My kids are 4 and 2, and I've only left them one other time, also for a blogging thing. I have the opportunity to travel quite a bit with my blog, but frankly, I am a Hermit, capital H.

Your little guy will be fine, my little ones will be fine, and we're going to have a great time. :)

Shay Grant said...

Oh honey, I know EXACTLY what you mean! I spent last night away from my Spud, it's the third night we've had apart (and his third night at his grandparents). The first night he spent with them I cried the entire time, not gonna lie. I cried while we were out having dinner, I cried while we went for a late night shopping trip after dinner, I cried at home every time I walked past his room. You know who didn't cry? Spud! He was with his grandparents, and had an absolute ball - so much so that when I went to get him the next day he ended up staying another night because he didn't want to leave. Last night I went to a wedding, and did my best to enjoy my time there without worrying, but the mama part of me will always be thinking of my baby, just as the mama part of you will always be thinking about Ollie. Just keep that part of you positive, thinking all "naww, this is when he'll be napping... awwwww this is when he'll be getting his dinner... mwahaha this is when the disgusting nappy goes down and I don't have to change it woopwoop!"

Ollie will have his daddy, and he will have his wonderful toddler sense of time. Their memories are so short, that when you show up again he'll be absolutely thrilled to see you, but it won't occur to him to consider whether you've been gone 2 hours while he napped, or 2 days while he went about his routine. He loves you so much, and he loves his daddy, so he'll be happy with dad while you're gone, and he'll be happy with you when you're back!

You just focus on getting the most of your me time, so when you go back you can kick back into mama-gear fully, recharged rejuvenated and stoked to be with your boy!
xoxo

Molley Mills said...

OH FTM, You are gonna feel all kinds of special! Like a grown up again. It's a really nice feeling and honestly the perfect amount of time to not get too sad and miss them. Enjoy every second!

April FirstTimeMom said...

Thank you! From a few thousand feet. I am on the plane, and so excited for my weekend adventure!

April FirstTimeMom said...

Awww thanks, Shay! This made me feel so much better. I know the boys, aka Thing1 and Thing2 are going to have a wonderful time together! xoxoxox

April FirstTimeMom said...

LOVE IT! Thank you so much. I cannot wait to meet you!!!!

April FirstTimeMom said...

I'm on the plane!!! And now I'm going to GChat you all about it! xoxox

April FirstTimeMom said...

APRIL B.!!!!! Congratulations I didn't know you were preggie! How wonderful. And with a BOY!! Even better.... What do you need? Ill send it right over... Oh yay! Congrats a million times over!!!

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