True Story: Why my family may have a restraining order issued by the Girl Scouts of America

9:41 PM 15 Comments

As most of you know FTD is Australian. (Please Read: Fresh off of the boat and constantly claiming cultural confusion when he misbehaves-which is daily.) Lately, thanks to the winter boredom, he has been exceptionally out of control.  When I call him out on his horrible behavior he puts on his best deer in headlights look of confusion, then feigns ignorance or even worse, insists that what he just said was ok because thanks to his accent, "They cannot understand what I am saying anyway."

Well, thanks to his big mouth, we may have a restraining order issued by the Girl Scouts of America, because in this case he used noises and hand gestures to drive home his point... You all, I can not make this shit up...

Picture it sunny afternoon, FTD, Ollie and I are heading into the grocery store-FTD is holding Ollie... As we approach the door, a sweet little girl scout comes up to us and says, "Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?"

FTD: "Sure!"

Girl Scout: "What kind would you like?"

FTD: "Oh I don't know, what is your favorite kind?"

Girl Scout: "Tagalongs!"

FTD: "Taga-LOGS!"

Girl Scout: "No! Tagalooooongs!"

FTD looks at the girl scout, then to her mother and says, (and I shit you not) "Tagalongs?  Ha! In Australia a Tagalong is a Pfffffffft (imagine a very loud very long fart sound) a poo in your pants!" Then slaps his ass.

Being that I am used to this atrocious behavior, and know exactly where this conversation is going- imagine a shit covered hell-- I grab Ollie out of FTD's hands, apologize and immediately walk into the grocery.

FTD finds me a few minutes later acting all confused by my frustration.  He insists that a Tagalong is a poo that stays attached to your ass after "a massive dump" and that "It is not his fault if the Girl Scouts name their biscuits after a shit in your pants!" I know better by now then to point out the obvious... he knows damn well what he has done!

Needless to say, when we checked out I got cash back so I could reinforce my sincerest apologies to the girl scout's mother by buying a couple of boxes of cookies...  As we walk out of the grocery, the automatic door opens and before the unsuspecting girl scout can open her mouth, FTD says, "We will have two boxes of TagaLOGS please!"


I add a box of Samoas to the mix, pay and grab FTD before he digs a hole so big we have to buy the entire inventory.

Once we got into the car I attempted to scold him (through fits of laughter) he half ass apologized by admitting that maybe it was a Tagnut not a Tagalong he was thinking of, so not to worry because it would not happen again...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

You all... I am raising a child with this man-child!

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Anonymous said...

Holy shit you two are so funny! Ollie is one lucky boy.

Thanks, I think we are the lucky ones... I just hope Ollie doesn't refuse to be seen in public with us before his 5th birthday.

Jessika said...

LMFAO. Poor girls... but I may have paid to see that :)

erica said...

O Lordy, this was exactly the laughing I needed on such a gloomy day!!! Thank you! My husband and I are rolling! Great luck on the Award, I voted!

I shed a few tears from laughing so hard. OMG!

Nadine said...

OMG HOW HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was certainly a show...

Thank you so much for the vote!! I'm am glad we could make you laugh. That is one of the reasons I married FTD, he is the funniest man I know!!

I thought I was going to shed a few too when he made the super loud fart sound.

LMAO! Thanks!

Teri Biebel said...

I'm sorry you're stuck raising 2 children by yourself, April! I feel your pain. Tell him here we call them "dingleberries" and there are no cookies that sound like that.

If only it were that easy. We have had the dingleberry talk... he calls them DANGLE berries because. "DINGLE sounds like the shit is hanging from your schwantz!" I have buttons... he knows every single one of them.

AussieMummy said...

They're called "dags" FTD! You're just making stuff up to sound like a quirky Aussie lol

Melissa S. said...

In his defense, Girl Scouts put out lots of restraining orders. :0 It's amazing what guys find funny. I have two girls who think farting and farting noises are hilarious and that wrestling is an acceptable way of introducing yourself to someone. Glad I stopped in from the Hump Day Hook Up.

LOL! Thanks for that, I suppose then we may be in good company with the Girl Scouts restraining crew! OH man my life is firetrucks and farts...

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