3/18/13

Beauty Tips and Tricks... from wraps to aliens. Don't try this at home.



Monday Memories


The lovely Lily at It's a Dome Life has decided that today's Monday Memory prompt with Quirky Chrissy should be, What ridiculous thing have you done in the name of beauty.  Um, I'm 34... I'm a survivor of high school acne, peer pressure, beauty magazine obsession and currently have wrinkles, cellulite, and hateful grey hairs threatening to start a movement...  What the hell haven't I done in the name of beauty?


I have tried so many ridiculous things that there is no way I could possibly pick just one. In fact, I wouldn't be your faithful friend and blogger if I don't tell you about most of them.  You deserve to be saved from my poor choices, and unnecessary expenditures on full-of-shit beauty products and weight loss gimmicks.

 So, where to start... Maybe I will just start at the bottom and work my way up!

FEET!

During the Spring and Summer months, I get a pedicure at least once a month.  What?  What do I do the other 7-months of the year?  Paint over the existing nail polish and call it a day of course! Usually, around the beginning of April, I stroll into the nail shop, flop my troll feet out and point to my toes. The poor little girl takes one look at my feet, sheds a tear and points towards a chair. 

My pedicures get ridiculous when the pedicurist pulls out the file to smooth down my feet, then in what appears to be a revengeful glare, drops the file and picks up a cheese grater.  Seriously, I shit you not, a cheese grater.  After five minutes of scraping and tickling me, my feet are as smooth as Ollie’s ass.  What ever works right?  Please don't try that at home...

LEGS!

OK, this one is just plain silly... but it sounded really promising at the time!

I had an award banquet to go to and a form fitting dress I loved and desperately wanted to fit into.  My ass and thighs were WAY to lumpy and bumpy to pull it off... Spanx or not.  A friend of mine told me to rub oil on my legs, then wrap them in plastic wrap and go for a walk.  She insisted that she did it all of the time and it totally worked.  I thought sure why not.  I did just as she said....

20 minutes into my walk I thought I was going to pass out. I was hot as hell and the plastic wrap was shifting and slipping and just plain gross.  I ran home, unwrapped myself, drank as much water as I could and then jumped in a cool shower.  I survived...

I have to admit, this makeshift body wrap worked... but I nearly passed out from heat exhaustion.  After a little Internet research, I found out that you are not supposed to do any type of workout while plastic wrapped because it raises your body temp.  Also, the results didn't last very long because I pumped all of the water back into my body I had lost.  Again... Don't try this at home.  Or at the very least do all of the research first.

TUMMY!

I wore one of that miracle weight loss fat-melting belts for a week.  SUCH A WASTE OF MONEY!!  Definitely, do not try that at home!

SKIN!

Son of a bitch I have the worst skin! I had acne in middle school through to well... my early twenties.  I also have the most sensitive skin.  I mean, even hair spray can make me break out.  I pray Oliver does not get my skin, or at the very least modern science has a cure for everything when he needs it.  

I have tried everything to fix my yuck completion, including but not limited to, mashed avocado masks, mashed Aspirin masks, sugar and lemon juice scrubs, every wrinkle cream, eye cream, eye mask and skin tone corrector on the market.  Literally.  I would read about the miracle in a magazine and starve for an entire pay cycle so I could afford the miracle.  My twenties were spent making donations to every skin care lab in the world.  

My friends.  From all of my trial and error and gross money flushing the one and only thing that has proven to work...  Sleep and Water.  Want to glow?  Get a good night sleep and LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER!  Seriously, great skin, diminished dark circles, and a nice glow all can be achieved through a good night sleep and stay hydrated. 

HAIR!

One of my blessings is hair.  I admit I have great hair.  I can grow it to my ass if I want to and style it any way I want.  It's naturally stick straight with lots of God given highlights.  Up until I was 25 I cut it myself by trimming the back. I only broke down and went to a professional because I had just graduated from college and needed a professional look.  I also didn't color my hair until I was 32.  I was honestly a natural blonde with natural highlights.  Then in what seems like overnight, the color and texture went to shit.  Then when I got pregnant my hair started growing in a dark brown color.  CRAZY!  

So, desperate to regain the great hair of my past, at 32-years-old I had my first all over color done... out of a box by my sister.  It wasn't bad actually.  I did the box dye job thing until I got pregnant and then once Ollie was born I started back up... The only problem was that now something was different.  The box dye didn't work.  It turned my hair this strange reddish yuck blonde brown color.  I realized that thanks to my new post-pregnancy color my days of box jobs were out.  

I went to a proper salon and was told I just needed highlights and some low lights.  My friends, since that day I have been what I call channeling the aliens every 8-weeks. 




I have a friend who is a stylist who does my hair at my sister's house.
I tell my nephews I am channeling the Aliens. They scream and run.
#AwesomeAunt


Amazing how that hair dye business works!
I'm blonde again!

PLASTIC SURGERY & INJECTIONS!

I plan to take part in that the day after... NEVER!



 So... what horrible things have you done in the name of beauty???



Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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