Oh My GAAAAWWWD!!
Oliver is going to be one-year-old in two weeks. Holy shit, I think I am going to be sick. No, I am going to cry. Oh God, I am going to do both. Why is this happening? Why? Where did my beautiful first year with my baby go? I'll tell you where it went, Father-freaking-Time hates me. He sped up the clock, while Mother-freaking-Nature made my baby grow and develop off the charts. Then Murphy's-asshole-Law taught him to walk out of my arms, across the room and then look back and laugh at me.
My baby is almost no longer able to be classified as a baby. Isn't it once a baby turns one-year-old, he is no longer a baby? I'm just sick! What am I going to do... after I cry and puke? I can't take it! The first stranger that asks me how old he is, is going to get a sobbing crazy lady! I don't want to say he is a year old.
HOLY. SHIT. BUCKETS!!!! I just had an epiphany! Or is it a realization?... Anyway...
I just figured out why I have had moms tell me their baby is, "15-months-old" In fact I have even heard a mom say her "baby" is "22-months-old." I used to think, why didn't she just say her child was a little over a year and a half, or almost two? BAWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I totally get it!!! They didn't want to have to say a year and anything old.
YEAH BOY!!! I don't have to do it either. Hell yeah! I am so relieved. I am so glad I wrote this post before I cried and puked. It's official, Oliver's sweet baby bottom will be so many months old until further notice! I really do feel so much better... I LOVE denial. Good times...
And don't worry, even though I have had this incredibly brilliant epiphany-realization, I will still acknowledge, and super celebrate, his 1st birthday. I have every intention of letting him have a big party and "Smash Cake." I also have every intention of making it sugar free and organic. It will be made from apples, bananas and carrots, and be yummy! Just kidding... I am not completely certifiable... yet.
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