11/29/12

Hipsters (pants) MUST die!

So, I know I am supposed to talk about my "selfish girl's wedding sob story..." But I have a NEWS FLASH: Hipsters must die! DIE! DIE! DIE!


source: Hipsters Eat for Free .com
FYI: According to the Urban Dictionary a Hipster is defined as:

"...a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter."

Ok, well... Those hipster's don't have to die. In fact, I guess I am a Hipster if that is the definition.  I am all for indie everything, I am in my 30's, I am queen mouth for progressive politics. I'm also creative, smart and filled to the brim with Witty Banter... (Ok, seriously, if I was single that definition of me as a hipster would get me all of the dates on Match dot com.)  But really my friends, when you think of a Hipster, do you think of an awesome person, or a fashion movement?

Luckily the Urban Dictionary goes on to explain why I say, "HIPSTERS (pants) MUST DIE!"


"...Although "hipsterism" is really a state of mind, it is also often intertwined with distinct fashion sensibilities. Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often be seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses. Both hipster men and women sport similar androgynous hair styles that include combinations of messy shag cuts and asymmetric side-swept bangs. Such styles are often associated with the work of creative stylists at urban salons, and are usually too "edgy" for the culturally-sheltered mainstream consumer. The "effortless cool" urban bohemian look of a hipster is exemplified in Urban Outfitters and American Apparel ads which cater towards the hipster demographic."



Ok, those are the 'Hipsters' I am talking about! Thanks to them, I cannot find shit to wear at ALL of the "mainstream" shops.  My big fat postpartum round curvy ass cannot find anything to wear!  I'm not kidding!  Have you been to Gap, Old Navy, Target, even Anne freaking Taylor Loft lately? All of them are catering to those hipster shits!  Enough already!  Can I get bloody boot cut denim and cowl neck sweater already?

And "effortless cool"  is not at all what those hipster shits look like.  I know how long it takes to place every single hair on my head in it's place, with an UNGODLY amount of hair goo, effortless is far from what I would call that!  Or I can only imagine the time it takes to pry on those tight ass skinny jeans.  Oh and, what the hell is with the damn lenseless glasses frames? Have you ever talked to someone wearing only eyeglass frames?  So weird.  I couldn't concentrate on the conversation at all.  Little hint hipsters wearing those eye glasses with frames only, if you need them to make you look smart, then I'm going to have to say it's clear you are trying to overcompensate for something... 

My brother's best friend is Mr. Hipster himself. The other day he came to lunch with pants that had to painted on they were so tight.  I nearly took a spit take when my brother looked at him and asked, "Hey man, where do you put your balls in those pants?" Two points Bro! Skinny jeans have got to go!  They are so not sexy. It's not right when a guy wears a pair of jeans that make his legs look skinnier than my arms. Weirdo. Oh wait that's the point isn't it? 

OK wait... this post is not about the hipster's themselves, I am all for style and fashion and wearing what makes you feel good. What I am not for is the fact that every store I go into is wall to wall hipster fashion. My hips are WIDE!  I do not belong in skinny jeans... EVER!  I am finally going out shopping for clothes to fit my 34-year-old plump bottom and massive mom boobs, and am finding myself in tears in the dressing rooms, not because the clothes don't fit... because the red skinny jeans make me look like a tomato with an odd sort of growth (my legs sprouting from my ass) and the sweaters are somehow skinny too.  COME ON PEOPLE!  Sweaters are meant to be cozy and comfy not tight and itchy.  

 Come on Target buyers, I need some affordable transition clothing... can you please buy some classic pieces?  And hey you, The Gap people, we used to be so good together... where is the classic boot cut with comfy sweater?  Ann Taylor The Loft... there is absolutely NO excuse for you! When, I ask, is this fad going to end? We all know it will!  

Hipsters... Thanks. Thanks a lot for making the biggest fashion movement of my generation so far, I am impressed. I do not blame you as much as the designers, but come on!  You know you are going to get tired of the tight ass skinny jeans, itchy sweaters, stupid eyeglass frames and spending 4 hours trying to get your hair to look "effortlessly cool."  Any chance you can speed it up so I can find something to wear? I mean afterall... I think it is time to admit, your style is offically mainstream, and from what I hear that defeats your entire purpose.      








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