A mother's Heavy Heart


(Warning: This is a foul-mouthed rant)

I write to you all today with a very heavy heart. I am carrying a deep sadness around with me over the recent movie theater shooting in Colorado, the Bus Bombing, the unrest in Syria, the insanity in Baghdad, and the list goes on... In the past when the news became too much, I would turn off the TV and divert my attention.  Now that I am a mother, avoiding the news and claiming ignorance, is not that simple anymore. 

My maternal instincts kick in when I hear of all of the pain and suffering around the world. I’m reminded that it is my job to protect my son. Unfortunately, sometimes the world seems so screwed up, that fully protecting my son seems next to impossible.  

I was always apprehensive about having children. The idea of bringing a child into this volatile, unstable world seemed unconscionable. There is so much ugly and evil lurking around.  I mean, my God a movie theater is not even safe anymore? It’s so damn daunting I want to scream! 

I spent the day feeling so awful, throwing a pity party for the people in this world feeling so much pain.  I also spent the day worrying about the day I have to try to explain to my son, why the world is so jacked up? Why innocent people die everyday at the hands of mindless shitbags.

Or, God forbid the flip side, my child becomes one of the mindless shitbags!  It’s scary.  I keep telling myself with enough love, nurturing and catholic guilt I can raise a good child. I also intend to shelter my son from the ugliness of the world for as long as possible, without completely smothering him into a full on rebellion.  Oh, the fine line between good mom and crazy over protective mom. (Yes, that’s a whole different post.)

I know my job as a parent is to do my very best to protect my son, as much as possible, from the horrors of the world. I have two choices, I can stay home and become a crazy over protective mom, or I can do my best to find as much beauty as possible in the world to share with my son. 

I realized today, that it is up to me to show my son how to live and love the world, flawed as it is.  I cannot let the bad consume me, like I let it today.  I have to stay positive for my son. I have to protect him through living. The world is definitely fucked up, but that’s really only half the story…








Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. April is an award-winning writer, blogger and proud debut novelist - The Devlyn Disguise. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more about April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

8 comments:

Mrs. Loquacious said...

It *is* heart-breaking, isn't it? Our approach will be to teach Baby L about Jesus and about sin and grace from an early age. As she understands about sinful human nature and the need for a Savior, I hope that she will begin to be able to put the ugly things of this world in perspective. Of course, there is the momma-bear part of me that just wants her to live in a bubble of love and comfort and safety, but sadly this is not reality and I hope that she will be an agent of positive change, and a light, in the dark world that she grows up in. This is my prayer. :)

First Time Mom (April) said...

Thanks Mrs. L. That's my prayer too...

Jessika said...

This has been on our minds too. The concepts of "what went wrong with that child?" (the Colorado incident)... I mean, the parents gave him a middle class environment, he was into sports, obviously very smart, it all seems to be the right balance- but something had to be wrong. How can you be the parent of that child? Or the parent of the children shot and killed? I agree with you, we have to find a way to somehow protect without sheltering, and keep hope and faith, being a role model and teacher for the rest of our lives. Sigh...

foodpixie said...

The World was the #1 reason I almost didn't have a baby. I had the same sadness in my heart over the Colorado shootings as I do every day for the senseless violence all over the World. While it horrifies me to think of what kind of a world my baby will live in 30 years from now, she will have grown up with it, hopefully survived, and made peace within herself. I know the best thing I can do, like you said, is show her the beauty in the world, fill her life with love, and teach her respect for herself and others.

Shay Grant said...

I know what you mean, the news is so so depressing! I still don't watch it on tv, but I do follow the news via a NZ news website. Sadly NZ seems to have a pretty horrific child abuse record so I'm very selective of what I read about - I don't need to know another baby has been hurt/killed by their parents! I dunno - is this a problem in America too? :-(
In terms of how we're going to approach the doom and gloom of our world with Isaiah, I think we're going to go with the same thing we use with my stepsons - we're very honest about the fact that people do some really awful things to others but we don't dwell on the negatives. It's tricky trying to balance keeping children informed without bogging them down with adult issues, and at the same time not keeping them isolated from the world they live in.
I know what you mean about being the parent of one of the monsters in our world - I'd like to think that I (and you!) love my son (well, your son) unconditionally, but not blindly. If I ever think Isaiah is at risk of hurting himself or another person I will be the first person knocking at every possible door to find him the help he needs.
And if all else fails, these times never fail to highlight just how bloody lucky we are to have beautiful beautiful children who are happy, healthy, safe and so so soooo loved. xx

First Time Mom (April) said...

Shay, I think your approach is very healthy. I also agree that it is up to the parent to try to stay as intouch with their childs feeling and behaviors as possible.

And bet your ass I have been holding Oliver a little longer and closer lately.

Fancy Pants said...

We are going through the same thing here. It's way too close for comfort for us. I had to delete fb because of the insanity I see on there. I am no longer interested in who got drunk or who bought what or who believes gays should get married or who thinks guns should be banned. It's just all so trivial at this point and unhealthy. Life is so precious. I have no idea how to explain these things to Summer when even my educated adult mind can't get a wrap on it. I just put it in God's hands cause it's all out of control. Email for me from now on, dropping off the fb insanity and hopefully able to avoid the negativity at least on the social networks. Keep praying for the people out here, everyone has been affected, very quiet and humble around here.

First Time Mom (April) said...

Good for you! Social networks can be so toxic. I had to give up on them ages ago.

I've been thinking of you through this... I'm sending loads of love and prayers your way.

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