10 Children's Gifts That Decimate a Parent's Patience In 5 Minutes Or Less #GiftGuide

Whether you're new at buying children's gifts, or if pissing off a parent is on your list of things to do this holiday season, then keep reading, because the following types of toys Decimate a Parent's Patience In 5 Minutes Or Less.

1. Toys that make annoying noises. Think: Firetruck with 50 flashing lights that blares "FIRE FIRE" and then belts out a 30-second siren. Kid's have an inherent thing that drives them to smash the button repeatedly for two hours straight.

Fun Fact: There is a special place in hell for toy manufacturers of those toys. It's on the corner of Whatswrongwithyou Ave. & Needsaslap St.

2. Toys with sensors that go off when you walk by. This reaches beyond toys. ANYTHING that makes noises when you walk by. Parents will never be able to sneak out of their child's room again thanks to it. Or worse, at 2am the cat slinks by and wakes the whole damn house.

3. Toys that are part of a set or collection.  Once you open the floodgates, parents can kiss that college fund and nest egg goodbye. To a child, four zillion Hotwheels is still nowhere near enough. And what kind of a Thomas the Train set is any fun with two tracks and a train? It's a never-ending battle.

4. Toys that require assembly of more than three parts and/or stickers to apply. Have you ever tried to assemble a toy that requires 22 steps with a toddler "helping"? Three pages into the instructions, nothing makes sense anymore and the stickers are stuck to the TV.

You'd think that if a manufacturer has gone to all the trouble of assembling, marketing, and packaging the thing, why on earth wouldn't they have applied the damn stickers too? -Said every parent.

5.  Toys that can be easily disassembled into two hundred tiny pieces. This will inevitably happen in the back seat of mom's car. All accompanying stickers are immediately stuck to the car window.

6. A toddler bed. I don't care if it looks like Dora the Explorer or a Race Car, kids will not fall for it. It's a waste of time and money that will fail parents. Parent Tip: Transition from crib to a bed no smaller than a twin so you have somewhere to sleep when your kid crawls into bed with you and takes over. Every night. Forever.

7.  Toys that are really candy in disguise. One word: Gremlin

8. Toys on wheels the kid doesn't stand a chance of operating without plenty of blood, sweat and tears from the parents.  Make no mistake about it, if you buy a tricycle, scooter or bike before a child is ready, backs will break from having to bend down to push it CONSTANTLY, then drag it home when the kid has had enough.

9. Annoying books. Before you purchase a children's book read through it first, then ask yourself if you could stand to read it at least ten times a day for two months straight. Because that's what parents have to do with their child's favorite book. Add in buttons, bells and whistles... The struggle is real.

10. Tiny toys. The smaller the toy, the more pain it inflicts when stepped on. Think: Lego.


April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com