If you haven't heard of Pokémon Go, then you've probably just emerged from a cabin deep, deep in the woods, where millions of crazy-ass people running around chasing Pokémon Monsters on their phone hadn't reached you yet. Or you may have had a kid, or adult, point their phone at you screaming something that sounded like, Dildo! For the record, it was, Doduo. Or maybe your heard, Jigglyfuck? Nope, Jigglypuff. Don't worry, it's part of the game.
Now that Pokémania is raging harder than a viral tweet about Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris, it's time to break it down for those of you out there, scratching your heads in disbelief (Like me).
First, the gist of the game: Pokémon Go utilizes GPS location and augmented reality to create a virtual world that encourages players to find Pokémon at real-life locations, have virtual battles and chase monsters.
1. The game spreading twice as fast as a wildfire. According to analytics firm SimilarWeb, the game is bigger than Tinder on Android, and 60 percent of those who have downloaded it are playing it every day. In terms of daily active users, Pokémon Go recently took over Twitter AND Snapchat for daily user engagement.
2. World Wide work productivity is in the toilet. Dallas Mavericks players Devin Harris, Dwight Powell and Salah Mejri shared photos from the team's locker room with a Doduo (a two-headed bird whose special ability is listed, matter-of-factly, as "tangled feet"). League of Legends teams Cloud9 and Team SoloMid were caught playing the game when they should have been prepping for a match. In Texas, a man shared photos that went viral of his trying to catch a Pidgey, WHILE HIS WIFE WAS IN LABOR!
3. Traffic is jacked up, EVERYWHERE! Between Dumbasses failing to look up when crossing the road and Fat asses inching their cars down the street refusing to get out and walk, Pokémon Go is causing all kinds of traffic trouble. It's so bad, in NT Australia, Police urged Pokémon Go players to "look up, away from your phone and both ways before crossing the street. That Sandshrew isn't going anywhere fast." Side note: Even the police know the names and how to make jokes about this game! The game is set up to detect if you are in a car or on foot- you can only play the game when on foot. Seriously, if you see a car inching down the road, roll down your window and tell the lazy shit to get out and walk! You see, the game can detect the speed you are going, which must be under 5 miles an hour, so you have to be on foot to play.
4. The evil opportunist is waiting to rob you. The game allows people to add a beacon to a Pokéstop to lure more players. That's how they get you. They watch the Pokéstop to locate people standing around. In O'Fallon Missouri, a group of teens is suspected to have used the game to help them rob at least a dozen victims over the weekend before being caught.
5. There are big plans for this game, so get ready for much, much more ridiculousness. The makers of Pokémon have big plans, including trading, more stops, characters, and features. So, if you have children, expect Pokémon Go to invade your home eventually if it hasn't already.
6. There is some good. All ranting aside, there is one thing that is exceptional about Pokémon Go, it's getting even the laziest of slugs off the couch or gaming chair and out into the world. The game is set up to essentially lure you out into your community, on foot. A friend's husband and sons spent two hours walking around their neighborhood. My nephews ALWAYS want to be outside, ready to catch a Pokémon. Another fantastic side effect of the game is community and camaraderie building. There have been many accounts of people finding new friends at a Pokéstop, and businesses getting in on the action offering Pokemon specials.
Bottomline: The game is hot as fire, super-fun if you're into this sort of thing, great if you're looking for a way to get the kids out of the house or need a little encouragement to get out and walk. There are certain dangers involved including opportunist creating dodgy lures and unsafe spaces, and ding-dongs not looking up from their phones before crossing the road. If your interested, try it, you may even loose a few pounds! But I cannot stress this enough before you let your kids catch Pokémania and chase monsters, lay down ground rules, share the dangers and always go with them.
