Apr 30, 2012

Shit Wars


A long shit time ago, In a shit galaxy far far away...

Shit Wars


The Phantom Menacing baby SHitS 

G’day Ladies, Gents and Shit fans.  First Time Dad here for your daily baby enlightenments!

If you haven't guessed it yet, today’s post is about SHIT!  Baby shit that is! Black gold, texas tea etc etc.  Three months in and I've experienced all kinds of shit.  Sad shit, happy shit, runny, wet, dry, crunchy, stringy, green, black, orange, nutty, odourless and stinky shit!

SHit (as we all know) can be funny or sometimes gruesome but I was never prepared for the vast amounts of time that I've recently spent with shit.  In light of this magnificent understanding, today I've decided to share with you all my ratings of shit - The good and the bad, the happy and the sad. As a 21st century DAD, Which shits should you deal with and which should you pass on to Mum? READ ON GENTS!!!

========================================

1.   The black-tar 1st shits        **  BAD  ** Sticky and thick, attaches easily to the wipers' skin. Hard on the eyes and disturbing...hand over to mamma!

2.   The green sloppy shit        **  OK   ** AKA "Green apple Splatters".  Mildly interesting, easily wiped. Pretend that you're cleaning up pickles.

3.   The Seedy orangey Shit        **  OK   ** Where the HELL do the seeds come from? Very interesting to inspect!, extra wiping required - Medium Level Shit

4.   The DIAHORREA             **  BAD  ** A Sinister shit - can be many coloured and offensive to the palette.  Do NOT attempt! requires a woman's touch! PASS!

5.   The DRY Shit            **  OK   ** STicks HARD to the buttock, requires many wet-wipes. You almost wanna get some 80 grit sand-paper on it - Medium

6.   The Nugget            **  OK   ** Like a few marbles rolling about in your pocket.  No Big deal! If you're skilled you can re-use the diaper! Easy!

7.   The Chocolate Runway        **  BAD  ** Right up the back of the crack and over the top of the diaper! BAD NEWS ! Take one look for research and Pass to Mum!

8.   The Nose Bleeder        **  BAD  ** A reeking stench of rotting flesh, a tramps pants and a Thailand public toilet in one! Call the Mother-in-law ASAP!

9.   The Garden HOSE            ** WORST ** The jet of hot steamy shit spraying all over the change table, your hands, the wall, stuffed toys and your clean shirt.

10.  The Phantom Shit        **  OK   ** Squirmy, noisy, squeltchy, bubbling FART that (when the diaper is removed) never faecally materializes. A ghost shit!

11.  The Depth Charge        **  BAD     ** Any of the above BUT done in the toddler bath! The ironic mix of soap and shit is a new dad's worst nightmare!

========================================

Of course, there are many more variants, colours, styles and tastes but these are the more exciting and memorable moments of the past 90 or so days.  If you've had an awesome shit tale why not comment below and share it with the other readers.  I'll see you all for some awesome shit blog-interwebs soon!

Au Revoir shit-fans!

7 comments:

Kiwi Mum said...

Bahahahahaha oh dear... sadly I can identify with each and every one of those nappy-treasures. My personal fave is the Nose Bleeder - a common occurence here that tends to extend itself so as to become a Tongue Coater - mm mm lovely.
In our house we have an extra awesome shit we call the fountain; when kiwibubs feet are up in the air for an ass wiping and the shit manages to spew upwards in a gravity defying spectacle, then pours down onto his legs, belly, change table and the hands of the poor person changing him. Excellent for inducing dry retching in Kiwi(Aussie)Dad!

Your gracious author and proud new mother said...

Love it! Kiwimum! Lmao!

first time dad said...

Ahhhh...yes! I've heard of the mythical "fountain". It's talked about in the darkest corners of bars and pubs around the world by men with sunken faces and blank stares! I can only imagine the horror.

Jessika said...

LMAO! As I awoke to the massive shit that destroyed the crib and all those in it this morning, this is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you for the laughs :)

first time dad said...

I believe that the shit you have experienced is referred to formally as "the Hiroshima" by shit-scholars in the Harvard faculty of shit-studies.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this post! I laughed so hard I think I might have shit my own pants! I might just follow your advice and call the mother-in-law next time I'm in over my head (in shit)

first time dad said...

Definitely call the 'ole Mum in law! DO what I do...Make a special moment out of it by handing over the kid, cracking open a cold beer, putting the feet up and relax in front of the baby-monitor screen.

Watch her face visibly age as she peels back the diaper scraps. Hear the moans of discomfort as the waft of shit hits the nostrils. Laugh hysterically when she realises there is only 1 baby wipe left.

> Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...