Then, a miracle happens.
You're immediately absolved from being a terrible parent.
Everyone you encounter, including the management at the store, not only tells you not to worry, they tell you similar stories about an equally crazy kid. The stories make you feel better, and in some cases, actually thankful your kid pulled the fire alarm and not the horrendous thing the other kid did.(OMG! Did you see my Facebook post on the kid that crapped in the grocery store?)
Nothing brings me more relief then when my kid embarrasses the crap out of me, and another parent laughs out loud, and says, "My kid does that too!"
The truth is, kids are super unpredictable. It's not only my child. Or yours. They all lose the plot.
The things my kid does are shocking. I'm convinced he needs a wheelbarrow for his balls, because he has no fear. Especially, when it comes to getting hurt or in trouble.
I'm not kidding, the kid never allows for a dull moment, from the second he wakes up, to the second he goes to sleep. But, really, what toddler does?
This is basically a day in the life of my kid:
1. Wakes me up by sitting on me and farting, then laughs hysterically. During the day, he backs his butt up to my leg, farts, then runs off laughing hysterically.
2. Goes through my make-up and jewelry box EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY.
3. Pulls the fire alarm in a major department store.
4. Holds anything and everything up to his penis, and declares the thing a penis.
5. Decides the entire living room floor is Lava, then proceeds to navigate the room using every piece of furniture he can jump to. (As much as I want to get mad and annoyed, I remembering doing it too.)
6. The second he's released from his car seat, he lunges to the front seat and honks the horn as many times as possible until I catch him.
7. He's obsessed with car washes and washing cars. All he wants to do is wash my car. Which you would think is great, but he constantly throws dirt on the car while washing it to show me how dirty it is. #SoRidiculous
8 He LIVES to pee outside. What's worse, he thinks all of outside is a potty; park, parking lot, neighbor's yard, my flower garden... Talk about, where did I go wrong in my parenting!
9. Every boo-boo, superficial scratch, headache and 'just-because' needs a band-aid. a lot of them. like four per scratch. Sometimes I need one too. (Not gonna lie, the ones I can salvage, I stick the tabs back on and throw them in the box)
10. He's still iffy on the meaning of the word, No.
11. Every other word out of his mouth is Bum, penis, poop or a made up word using some form of a cuss word.
12. Cries, jumps around, throws things, then meltdowns pretty much every time he doesn't get his way.
If it weren't for equally crazed parents trading war stories with me, I would feel like the worst parent with the worst kid. But the truth is, there are millions of parents out there with a list just like mine! All kids are absolutely crazy and unpredictable. They all walk to the beat of their own drum. They all test the world according to their own rules, then ask for forgiveness later.
The next time your kid acts crazy, and you want to be sucked up by a huge hole in the floor, just know, there is another parent out there dealing with the exact same behavior. More like a million parents praying for the same hole, thinking no kid can top this... but just know, any second, another kid will.