What Happens When Parents Make Apps

There is no doubt, technology has changed the way parents, well, parent.  I always joke about how I have no idea how my mother raised three children without an iPad. Truth be told, I'm glad I don't have to know. Technology is awesome. When used responsibly.

The top grossing iOS Apps for Children aren't traditional games like Candy Crush, but rather educational. Parents have stopped freaking out about screen time and started embracing it. There's a good reason for it too, studies show Educational apps benefit children in multiple ways, including fine and gross motor skill development, hand-eye coordination, problem-solving skills, early education shapes, colors and sound recognition, and the list goes on. 

Something else some of the top apps have in common is they are built by actual parents. Super smart, annoyed or fed up parents, that have the capability to make their life and child's easier by creating an app. I'm not just talking about educational apps either. Parents are evil geniuses and the next apps are proof.

1.  LaLa Lunchbox and LaLa Breakfast: This mom got sick of the lunchbox conundrum and created LaLa Lunchbox. In her own words: "These days I have three school lunchboxes to pack. Meal planning has never been more important or more time and money saving! Thanks to my app, I never have to face uneaten, smelly, unwanted, wasted food. My kids choose their foods in advance using our apps and while they love having a voice in their meals, I retain control over what's available for them to choose at all times." 

2. ReplyASAP: Nick Herbert got so annoyed his son ignored his text messages, he created the app, ReplyASAP, that takes over his son's phone screen until he replies to dear ol' dad's text.

3. Ignore No More: Gotta love the Mom who got so annoyed at her teen daughter for ignoring her calls, she created the app, Ignore No More. The description for the app says, "If your children ignore your repeated calls and text messages to reach them, you simply lock their phones until they call you back. With Ignore No More your child has only two options - he or she can call you back, or call for an emergency responder. No calls to friends, no text, no games, notta' until they call you back. When they do, you can unlock their phone if you choose to do so." How's that for telling your child, If you're not dying, you better answer my damn call!  (NOTE: This App is no longer being maintained. I do not recommend this app for download.)

4. GameBooks: The acclaimed software developer and first-time dad, Nicholas Nadirashvili, was dumbfounded by the fact NONE of his child's educational apps used the QWERTY keyboard, but rather a straight line of buttons in alphabetical order. A, b, c, d... So, he decided to make an app that would teach his son to type before kindergarten. And holyshit did he ever. Except, Nick, didn't stop at a Qwerty typing app.  not. Even. Close. His brainchild app, in addition to utilizing a QWERTY keyboard for lessons, the GameBooks app, teaches his son to read, trace letters, understand word structure and syllables, spell and so much more. This brilliant dad basically made books come to life in the cutest, funniest way possible. It's insane, every single part of the story or "GameBook" is interactive in the coolest way. 

Parents know exactly what their child needs, not some childless software developer trying to jump on the coattails of the zillion dollar family industry. I remember the cutest app I reviewed a few years ago, Dudley Comes Home, like GameBooks, it too was an interactive book app. My son loved it. 

Sadly, even though parents create the best apps, parents don't have the deep pockets the huge app creators have, so they can't advertise and eventually get edged out by the big dogs. Which sucks. 

Next time you are looking for an app, in any child/teen genre, consider giving a small mom and pop app a try. They will appreciate the download, and you might find a killer app for your child!


If you could make an App, what would you make?

NOTE: During the Month of September, GameBooks is offering a Back-to-school free 30-day premium membership, which gives full access to all books and interactive features. Download the Gamebooks App, Here. (Currently only available for iPad download). 

My 5yr Told His Music Teacher Exactly What He Thought

As I was tucking my son in for bed after his third day of school, he looked up at me and said, "Mama, I hate my school."

**My heart breaks** 

Those were not the words I wanted to hear out of my son after his third day of kindergarten. "Buddy. I'm sorry to hear that. What don't you like about school?"

He stares me down with his sad eyes and says, "I was crying today and I really wanted you, but they wouldn't get you for me."

**My broken heart shatters to pieces.** 

 "Honey... What happened? Why were you crying?" 

"We had to go down to the music teachers room in the basement and I thought she was a scary old witch and it was a trap."

I honestly had to hold back my laughter. A, Trap?!?!  A friggin trap? WTF???  

"Dude. Why in the world would you think the music teacher was a witch and you were being lured into a trap?" 

I swear... My husband and the video games and shit they watch is to blame for this. 

The poor guy was so serious when he said, "Mommy, she had funny color gray hair piled on top of her head. It looked like a wig. And her face was really old. Her room was at the very end of a long hall in the basement and I thought it was a trap, so I started crying and asking for you." 

Her classroom really is in the basement at the end of the hall. I felt terrible for him. "Oh, Honey! I'm sorry you were so scared. What happened next?"

"The music teacher made me go in her room and sit on the floor with other children."

He goes on to tell me that she wanted him to do the hokey pokey and he told her no, because it made him dizzy. And she must've said something about him not getting a sticker because he told me that he told her he didn't care because he didn't like stickers anyway.

My heart broke. The poor guy. All this scary shit and I'm not there to make him feel safe. Of course the music teacher is not a scary witch luring him into a trap. But I get it, how is he supposed to know that?

I held him tight and promised him that the music teacher was a very, very nice lady and that only nice teachers are allowed in his school and that's why I picked it.

I also promised him that if he ever really needed me, like if he was hurt or sick, the school would call me straight away to get him. 

I called one of my girlfriends who has been at the elementary school with her kids two daughters for the last five years and told her the story. When she was finished laughing hysterically, she told me the music teacher was one of the nicest ladies and that she was retiring in October.

I was honestly relieved when I heard she was retiring. Not because my son won't have to be subjected to the scary lady with the fake hair, but because this poor nice woman won't have to be subjected to an asshole kid telling her she is scary with fake hair! 

That night I let him sleep in my bed and held him close all night. I barely slept. My helicopter mom instincts were telling me to homeschool him. Thankfully, I fell asleep before that nonsense went too far.

Before sending the little guy off to school the next morning, I reminded him that all the teachers were super awesome and that if he truly needed me I would be there.

Even though it is so hard for me to stand back and let my child have these experiences without me, I'm glad he's doing it one way or another. Not to mention, it's nice to not be there when he says crazy stuff because I've been dealing with his filterless mouth for the past five years, and it totally sucks. 

UPDATE: Two days later, the little man jumps off the bus, beaming with excitement and a small sticker on the back of his right hand. 

"Mommy! The music teacher gave me a hug and a sticker. She is nice." 

I get it. I hated kindergarten, too. It's scary.

The days leading up to my son starting kindergarten, he was so excited. He was going to, "get to ride the bus with the big kids in our neighborhood." He was going to, "get to go to the big school with all of his cousins and friends.  

Even on the morning of the first day, he was visibly more excited than scared. Of course, I could see the fear in his eyes but it was still overshadowed by his excitement. I was so proud of my little man.

I, on the other hand, was worried AF about how he would like it if he would have fun, miss me, need me... My girlfriends who had already been through the kindergarten-mania insisted he was having the best time. I held fast to this hope while still counting the minutes until I could hold him. 

When the bus arrived my heart was jumping out of my chest, I couldn't wait to hold my little pumpkin! He clung to the rail while descending the stairs of the bus, then practically jumped off to my arms. I scooped him up and held him tight and asked him how his day was. He said, awful, mommy, then jumped out of my arms and ran down the sidewalk about four houses, then ran back. He repeated it four times before running up the walkway to our house. 

Later that night, he told me school was awful because his teacher yells at the children and the day is "way too long." My heart broke knowing there was nothing I could do but send him back in the morning.

The rest of the week was exactly the same. He climbs off the bus, jumps in my arms, then after hugs and kisses jump out of my arms to run four or five laps up and down the sidewalk. After the second day, he started having mini-meltdowns or asshole-attitude outburst after his sidewalk jaunt. This always lasted for about an hour followed by an apology while climbing in my lap.

By the end of week two, I was prepared for his after school routine I started to think his running up and down the sidewalk must have something to do with all the energy he has to suppress trying to be a good boy all day. 

He's on his third week of school and has yet to admit he likes it. He always tells me how his teacher yells at the kids, the music teacher scares him, and then last Friday, the bus driver yelled at some kids to sit down and now Ollie is no longer a fan of, Mr. John.

I get it. I hated kindergarten too. It's scary. You're away from mommy and daddy all day, you have to listen to these strangers who yell sometimes and then there's the 5-year-old fear that if you don't be good, you're going to go to the dungeon and be locked up.

As much as I want to pull him out of school and hold him close to me all day long, school is so important. We both have to push through this adjustment period. The education, life lessons, social skills, and routine are crucial, and not something I can provide very well at home. (I'm talking about ME, not you homeschool mom/dad, you're amazing.)  Plus, I keep telling myself, if he really hated it, he would put up more of a protest in the morning. My kid is a stubborn mule, if he really truly hated kindergarten, he would let me know.

How To Not Miss Your Favorite Fall Shows + Movies

The constant routine of caring for the kids and balancing work leaves little time for you and your partner to just kick back, connect and unwind. Fall TV premiere week is a great way to snag a couple of quality snuggle hours with your partner. The best shows are coming back and a few new ones worth checking out.

Finding Time for the Tube

Luckily, there's a good mix of services and providers that understand the needs of those with busy schedules. The combination of DVR and streaming video lets us catch our favorite programs when we have the time, plus the benefit of skipping commercials!

Think:

·  DirectTV

·  Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Hulu

·  Redbox

So if, like me, you've got a bunch a shows to watch, and told Spectrum to go shove it up their...errm...  keep reading for tips to help you not miss your favorite upcoming shows and movies. First, the line up. (Pin it for quick refrence!)

DirectTV

The cost of DirectTV fits right into the affordable range for a big family in need of multiple devices. At $50+ a month, you get access to 150+ channels. The best part of the DirectTV deal is that it has enough equipment to get setup in 4 rooms. Meaning, the kids can have their shows while you and spouse get to catch whatever shows you’re keeping up with.

The HD DVR is included and easy to setup and navigate. It’s a set-top receiver that will record your shows (up to 100 hours with most receivers). You can record entire seasons at a time and even access them through their app on your phone, tablet, or computer.

Netflix/Prime/Hulu

Netflix (and the other streaming services) are what I’d say to be a secondary option. Mainly because you must wait around until the seasons are completed (often months) before they’re on the service. Hulu tends to do it right by premiering episodes the next day though that’s mostly for the prime-time shows.

Amazon Prime is a solid choice because you get the added benefit of 2-day shipping along with the big selection of movies and shows.

You can share these logins throughout the home so the services are accessible in the kid’s rooms. When you combine all three you have a lot of shows that are worth the watch.

Redbox

If you don’t mind taking a trip to a drug store (like CVS or Walgreens) or a convenience store then Redbox will fit the bill. These handy kiosks have a good selection of movies and games for about $1.50 - $3 a day. It’s great for picking up during date night or when you’re doing a late-night trip to the store.

Lump Redbox in with the many ways to watch flicks and you should be all set!

A great way to enhance your relationship is to find a couple of fall shows to watch together. A little bit of time here and there is needed for a healthy relationship. Before long, the kids will be off doing their own thing but until then at least you have options to squeeze in quality TV time.

How do you balance taking care of the kids and keeping up with your favorite show?

Everything You Need To Know About Baby-Led Weaning

When I was given the honor of, Top 10 Mommy Blog, from Parenting.com, I was also invited to join their incredibly talented pool of freelance writers. (Gasp!) One of my favorite assignments was to research, Baby-led Weaning; what it is and what the experts are saying.  At first, I thought that it would be easy since I knew all about baby-led weaning and did a form of it with my son.

I was so wrong. You all, this one got me.

I had such a hard time writing the article. I needed to stay objective, and not bring my preconceived notions into it, which was hard, because, to me, this was a big deal article. Writing about something as big as introducing solids to an infant, no matter what, I didn't want to screw it up. I also didn't want to mislead people, just to write a good (favorable) article.

For those of you who do not know, Baby-led Weaning (BLW) is a method of introducing solid an infant by allowing them to self-feed, rather than be spoon-fed. Yes, it's giving a six-month-old solid food in finger sized pieces to feed themselves with.  No purees or parent intervention.  BLW is all about offering healthy finger-sized soft foods to the baby to touch, smell, taste and then eventually chew and swallow. The control of how much food baby eats is up to them. Further teaching self-regulation.  Where as with the parent-led spoon method, parents often feed the baby until the food is all gone.

For me, BLW was a terrifying thing.  All I could imagine was my son choking. For that reason, I fed Ollie purees for the first few months of his introduction to solids, then slowly switched to offering him finger foods. No, he never choked, but I was also VERY careful about what I offered to him, and probably didn't offer enough variety because of that.

All of that said, I put my own opinions and experiences aside and did the research. I too wanted to know what the experts were saying.  Had things changed in the 18-months since I was researching baby-led weaning for my son?  My friends, it had. In fact, as I type there is a multitude of studies going on surrounding baby-led weaning.

The studies were showing the choking hazards were not an issue, the long-term effects led a healthier and happier approach to food, and most of all, a diminished risk for childhood obesity.  These are HUGE finds! You can read all about the studies in my article on Parenting.com (Link below)

Did you do Baby-led weaning with your baby?  What was your experience? Is your child now a healthy thriving toddler?  Studies said the baby would not be a picky eater later in life. Is this true? Would you do it again with your next child? Any tips for parents giving it a try?

Please, share your story.

I Just Put My Kindergartener On The Bus To Public School

NEVER in my life did I think I would say the words, This morning, I put my five-year old on the bus to public school. But, I did it. Not only did I do it, I feel really great about it.

 Our First Bus Stop Selfie! 

I looked at every school imaginable for my genius child. The elite schools were filled with asshole stuck up parents I wanted to throat punch. The Catholic schools were a little too cultish and not diverse enough. So, reluctantly, I checked our neighborhood reside public elementary school.

I friggin loved that school the second I walked through the doors. The office staff were friendly and welcoming. The principal is kind and cute as can be. My son's kindergarten teacher is more amazing than I could have dreamed a teacher can be. She ensured me that Oliver would be challenged at all times. He has two extra teachers in the class who will help with that. TWO! One is a graduate student on loan from the university.

And the parents? They are my neighbors, friends, and people I really want to hang out with. The diversity is off the charts. The school teaches 'compassion' as part of the curriculum. Most of all, it feels like a real sampling of the world I live in. Not 100% elitist assholes or cult-ish people I feel uneasy around.

I'm also a firm believer that, Blue Ribbon school or not, parent involvement is what makes the difference in a child's education. I have already exchanged numbers with his teacher and plan to be very involved and ask questions. I feel great about sending him to Public school, and until that changes, I'm going to take full advantage of free education and do my part to help my son excel.

Shout out to my girls M + O for breakfast and mimosas to celebrate the big day! Also, forgive any typos, I may have had two mimosas before writing this.

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Six Mothers To Watch Out For On The Playground

With back-to-school in full-force, I have been reintroduced to a few of those stereotypical moms I want to throat punch. You know those moms who take it to the top to prove something, but exactly what, no one knows? (Think: Bad Moms Movie)

I know you should never say never. Especially, when it comes to anything related to parenting, however, the following Seven Types of Mom I sincerely hope I never become.

The PTA Princess- You know the perfect, perky, all smiles Pinterest Princess bouncing around in yoga pants jacked up on Starbucks. That chick, I will never be. More power to her, because someone needs to make perfect Minion cupcakes for the Bake Sale.

The Soccer Socialite- One place you will never catch my ass is hovering over my child in sports. I want him to love and excel at sports, in his own way on his own time. While I'll encourage and support him, I will never push him. It's his life. Not mine. I also have no desire to get in a snack rotation pissing contest. I've heard horror stories of soccer mom riots over a shitty snack.

The Tech Tyrant- Technology is the future. No freaking way am I going to restrict my child from it. Yes, I know the "child experts" attribute a slew of mental and developmental issues to tech-time. Yes, I know they warn that video games can turn children into psychopaths, but...well... NEWS FLASH: elementary school can do that too.

There are some brilliant educational apps available, and I love them. I attribute a part of my son's early vocabulary burst, hand-eye coordination, and problem-solving skills and flawless dance moves to educational apps and YouTube Kids videos.  (I don't care, tell me to burn in hell, I'm not sorry!) TECH RULES!

The Blind Blamer: There is nothing I can't stand more than the mom who blames everyone else's child for their child's behavior. WAKE UP! Your child is not perfect. Kids act crazy. ALL KIDS! So, before you go blindly blaming a playdate for your child's moody behavior or for biting, "when she's never done that before", shut up and see your child for what she is, normal! Not, perfect. No kid is.

The Holistic Hippie- While I admit I sometimes sway this way, I will never hug the tree completely for one simple reason, FOOD IS GOOD! I am all for dodging hormones, GMOs, processed foods and refined sugar, but I'm not going to go all nutty about it. A life without McDonald's fries, Chick'fil-A chicken, Taco Bell Crunch wraps and Movie Theater popcorn just ain't livin'! (Sorry food allergy people. I'm lactose intolerant, so I know how it sucks to miss out on this stuff.) But for the parents out there forcing their child to eat black bean cupcakes when all the other kids get to eat Walmart cupcakes is, well, shitty.  No it's not organic and sugar-free, but seriously, get over yourself, one bloody cupcake is not going to make your child grow a third ball. Let the little guy eat cake once in a while!

Society's Sweetheart- This is one type of mom I refuse to be. I can't be her. I tried to mother according to society's rules and ideas, but the onslaught of pediatric opinions, medical journals, parenting books, forums and the latest "expert advice" were impossible to keep up with. Not to mention, rarely worked for my newborn. Thankfully, I stopped trying to be Society's Sweetheart Mom and followed my own Mother's Instinct. What a difference that made. Suck it society! It turns out, I know WAY more about my child than you.

The Crazed Competitor- I am fiercely competitive in sport and challenges, however, when it comes to mom-pissing-contests, I'm out. I have no desire to be the room mom, drive the best SUV, have the bounciest ass, or brag about providing the most organic locally sourced snack. If your kid beats mine in a race, cool, it happens. As far as I know, The Mom of the Year is not a real contest. Not that I would want to win. Competing with another mother is stupid.

So what type of mom am I?

The MomMe I try to be the best mother I can by being, Me. I love my son with all of my heart, spoil him rotten, but also am firm when needed. I encourage him to grow and challenge himself daily. Instilling  a strong faith in God, kindness, love, understanding, openness and humility is my mom-mission. I'm not perfect. I screw up daily. I slip and cuss in front of my son, let him play Lego Star Wars on PS4, have really crappy days and totally understand when he does too. I'm laid back and that's my parenting style. Neither of us is in a race or competition at this life thing, so enjoying each moment is my daily mantra. Being a mother is the greatest gift of my life. Letting mommy-wars, society, insecurities and pissing contest stop me from being my best MomME is pure dumbassery.

TIP: Be your own kind of MomMe and be proud of it!

5 Back-To-School Sports Lifesavers You'll LOVE

It's the middle of August and it's nearly a hundred degrees outside with the humidity is pushing 80%. The air is so thick and wet, it's hard to breathe.

Still, the middle school field, visible from my kitchen window, is packed full of kids attending sports tryouts and practices. 

I can't help but be sad for the little ones and their families risking heat stroke and sunburns for 'the love of the game.' Damn, it must suck. But, I get it, the fall sports season has technically begun. So, today, I'm dedicating this post to the parents and families sweating cats and dogs on the field. Keep reading, below are the five things I used to keep my family cool the weekend we braved 107-degree temps to win a cake and ride the rides...  

(Note: This is in no way a sponsored post. The below products I found and purchased myself. Congrats to these companies for making great products. Here's some free advertising.)

Every year during the third weekend in July, the Catholic church two blocks from my house puts on the best picnic and carnival EVER! The three of us look forward to it all year long. This year, the forecast put the weekend at one-hundred degree days and ninety degree nights. Knowing there was no way we were going to miss the four days of fun and family thrills and chills it provides, I decided that I would prepare my family as best as I could. 

I scoured the Internet, novelty stores, Target, and The Dollar Tree for anything that would promise to keep my family cool and protected from the sun's rays and stupid-hot July temps. Below are the five things that kept us cool, hydrated and protected from the suns rays.

The Hydro Flask ($30): First and foremost, if nothing else, hydrate your child. And I cannot recommend the Hydro Flask enough for the job! My best friend sent it to me for my birthday this year, and I use it every single day. It is the most indestructible amazing liquid holding contraption ever. It keeps ice water icy cold and hot soup super hot. You can seriously put a few ice cubes in this thing in the morning and fill it full of water, and by the end, the ice cubes will be intact. 

The Ultra Soft Cooling Towel ($9): If you bought one of the first cooling towels to hit the market, then you know, once they dried out, it was like a hard cardboard sheet. Thankfully, the towels have had an upgrade. The new ones stay soft always wet or dry.  Now, you can throw it in your handbag, and all you've got to do is just find a little bit of water soak it, snap it a few times and you instantly have a cold towel. This is a mom emergency heat stroke life saver. Seriously, every mom should have one in her handbag. And they're so cheap why not.

The Necklace Fan ($16 for Two or $10 for One): This thing is hysterical!!! But so friggin' great. All you do is pop in some batteries, slip the fan over your head and tighten it up around your neck and BOOM, instant hands-free air conditioning. Definitely not the most fashionable thing, but it works. Well. And it totally worth the money! I gave one to a girlfriend who runs her family's YUMMY ice cream food truck at the Catholic picnics, She LOVED it! Shoutout to Haywood Ice cream!

The handheld USB rechargeable hand held 3-speed fan with light ($15). This fan was a wild-card winner! I was floored when it arrived... So well-made, the three speeds are fast, faster and hurricane force winds... and the light on the back...  and has a power bank that can charge my phone!!!! OMG!!!! This fan is my new favorite. We now own three. If you need a handheld fan, buy this. 

UPF 50+ Bucket Sun Hat UV Sun Protection with Mesh Rim ($10-$15): 

I'm so in love with the hats I bought for all of us. All three were inexpensive and have been Lifesavers since day one. The boys love their hats. They stay super cool, and the mesh rim around it lets the air blow through. Most of all, the UPF material actually blocks some of those seriously harmful sun rays.  

What are your favorite summer cooling go-to's? 

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Do This To Erase Scars + Stretch Marks @ScarHeal

**Today I'm partnering with Rejûvaskin to share how I managed to erase a ten year-old scar and five year-old stretch marks! 

One of my favorite things about being a writer and blogger is the ability to share products, news, life hacks and other seriously helpful information with many, many people. In fact, I consider it an honor and a blessing. Which is why I'm very selective about the products I review, and most of all, put my name behind. Today is one of those days where I'm not only excited to tell you about a company and product that delivers amazing results and doesn't cost a small fortune; I'm excited to show you the results!
                     
What has me the most excited to share Rejûvaskin's products is the fact that they work on OLD OLD OLD scars! Like, 16-year-old scars. HUGE!  At least, it was huge to me. I have a ten-year old scar on my chin from a motor vehicle accident in 2007.  I used the scar creams in 2007 and periodically over the years, but have not seen enough of a result to keep them up. Until now.

I was sent Rejûvaskin's RejûvaSil® Silicone Scar Gel, free for review purposes, in late May. At first, I was absolute crap at being religious about puttingthe scar gel on twice a day. I would put it on maybe once a day. Mostly at night. Then, after a couple of weeks, I was better about daily use, sometimes, I managed to remeber twice a day as instructed.

After four weeks of daily use, the results were shocking. My ten-year-old scar was no longer raised! After a decade of trying to erase facial scars, losing hope with each passing year, it's happening!!!!  Six weeks later, and I'm a friggin' Rejûvaskin believer.

NOTE: The photos are completely untouched. I cropped my face out to focus on the scars. These are true personal result on my ten-year-old scar after 6-weeks.

The scar on my chin has become so smooth; I can cover it with make-up. I seriously could not be any more amazed and elated with the results.  #SolidGold

I'll keep posting updates on my fading scars on social media, and once the scar is completely gone, and I know it will be one day, I'll post again.  I've also started using the Rejûvaskin’s Advanced Stretch Mark Cream, so look for updates on that! I'm also desperate to try the eye cream. Oh, hell, I'd try anything Rejûvaskin makes. As it is, after seeing how well the scar gel worked, I absolutely tried it on my wrinkles.


FYI:

If you, or your child, has a scar that you are desperate to erase, give RejûvaSil® Silicone Scar Gel a try.  Holycrappers it works!!! To check out the complete Rejûvaskin product line, click here. 

10 Things Everyone Should Know About Toddlers

1.   Toddlers are one big mess making factory. They can stand still in an empty white room and still figure out how to make a HUGE FREAKING MESS! Even though I watch it happen, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that something so small can completely wreck everything in 3.2 seconds! 

2.  Toddlers think everything is awesome... for five seconds. The attention span of a toddler has to rival that of a blowfly. Every single new thing my toddler comes across is bad ass.  He HAS to have it. Then five seconds later, he is on to the next awesome thing.

3.     Feeding a toddler is like feeding a monkey. A picky, drunken monkey. Between the flailing arms, the poor spoon/fork usage, the food launching and the occasional bite that actually makes it into their mouth… yeah, it's monkey business. Frustrating patience testing monkey business.

4.     Toddlers have NO use for clothing. – My kid thinks shoes, pants, and socks are the dumbest damn inventions. He has no use for them. My toddler would prefer to live as a free ballin’ nudist, and that’s all there is to it.

5.     Toddlers Have NO Shame. They will stop in the middle of a large crowd to concentrate on crapping their pants. They will fart in the arms of President. (I bet at least one has done it before… this year.) They will scream bloody she-is-kidnapping-me murder the minute you pick them up to leave the park and best wishes to those that think errands will be run in a timely clam orderly fashion. They have no shame and are happy to prove it. 

6.     Toddlers are 24/7 wrecking balls. If you love something or it is just expensive, a toddler will destroy it. DESTROY. IT. Again with the magnet theory. Toddlers have a homing beacon that seeks out expensive things, danger, and trouble.  

7.    Toddlers only have an ON switch.  The minute they learn something, that new function stays on! Walking, running, dancing, talking, repeating bad words… they learn it, and Man, it's SO ON!

8.    Toddlers like everything on repeat. I have read, and re-read, the same book for days in a row.  I have watched the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse shows so many times I know the words. Why, yes, I have tried other books and shows. He doesn’t want those, he wants his Trucks and Diggers book read front to back, then back to front...  OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Don’t even get me started on the books with buttons, but only one button will do OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I have also stood by while my toddler has gone up and down the slide four hundred thousand times. Repeat I tell you. Repeat.

9.   To a toddler, ‘No’, means, What the hell, go for it!. They know better, but if they really want to do something, they are going to do it. Toddlers invented the theory: It's far easier to ask forgiveness, than permission.

10. There's never a dull day. EVER!  For example Yesterday morning we needed a few things from the grocery. So I made my iced coffee, got Ollie and I dressed, and left for the store. Once at the store, (shoes already off of course) the second I unbuckled him from his car seat he lunged into the front seat, knocking my iced coffee into my driver's seat, (MY seat!) then he sat in it to drive the car. (Yes. Yes, I did want to shed a tear.) With no towels on hand, I used a diaper to sop up the coffee. Then, I turn my sights to him. Of course, while I was focused on cleaning up the coffee, he was climbing around the car turning on every button and emptying out my bag. When I finally caught him, I somehow missed him crapping his pants between leaving the house and that moment. Did I cry? No. Did I lose my temper? No. This is just another day in the life of a parent of a toddler.   

Call me certifiable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.  It's the teenage years I am afraid of...

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