9/12/18

Inspired by Liam and Miley: The So Not Right Sh*t My Australian Husband and I Do To Each Other.

If you follow any social media channel at all then you know, recently, Liam Hemsworth has been posting videos of himself scaring Miley Cyrus. It's so bad, but for me, so relatable. In other words, my Australian husband and I do the evilest shit to each other, too! Of course, it’s all in good fun. But, sometimes, only one of us is having fun. 





In order from when we met, some of the shittiest things we’ve done to each other:




Green Apple Splatters

While I certainly love a good Pale Ale, I also like fruity drinks. One of the first fruity drinks I had in Australia was a green apple flavored malt-ish beverage. Adam told me they were called, Green Apple Splatters. So the next time we went grocery shopping, while we were checking out he told me to go over to the liquor store, (he actually called it a Bottle Shop because that’s what a liquor store is called in Australia) to get my new favorite, green apple splatters.

When the bottle shop attendant asked me what I wanted, I said, "Green Apple Splatters." She looked at me confused. I told her that they were green apple flavored in bottles. She walked me over to the beer section, and the two of us started looking for green apple splatters. Within a minute, Adam walks up, and I tell him we can’t find them. He breaks out into a fit of laughter, then tells the girl exactly what it is that I’m looking for. She then breaks out into a fit of laughter.


I look at him. Now I’m the one confused. He says, "We call them green apple splatters because the next morning you splatter the toilet bowl when they run through you."


Payback, my first Thanksgiving in Australia.



Two days before my first Thanksgiving in Australia, while having dinner with my mother-in-law and two brothers-in-law, Adam says, "We want to do something special for you for Thanksgiving. How do you celebrate? What can we do to make it just like home?"


I told him that in America we dress up as Cowboys, Indians, and Europeans and have a huge battle in the backyard. Whoever loses has to do the dishes. They asked me questions, and I answered them to my best of lying abilities. The next day, when I was bombarded by the family with what they were going to wear, how they were going to battle, I came clean. I let everybody know it was bullshit. We ended up going to an American-style restaurant and ate a ton of french fries and fried chicken. #GoodTimes

His payback, Sea Same Chicken

 
Something that really amazed me living in Australia was that people thought American accents were "melodic and beautiful." They love to hear me talk. I once had two kids stare at me like I was an alien because they’ve “never met an American in real life.” 

So one night, shortly after meeting my husband’s best friends, Mr. J and Mr. D, we had a little get together and decided to order Chinese takeaway. My husband insisted that I do the ordering because they would love to hear an American. I went right along with it.

They gave me the order, which included sesame chicken. Except, Adam swore up-and-down it was called, SEA SAME chicken. His damn friends agreed. Y’all, I goddamn ordered the SEA SAME chicken. Needless to say, he and his mates full-on pissed themselves laughing.

My payback, fireflies.

When I brought Adam back to the States for the second time, it was mid-June. I had a third-floor walk-up with a really nice balcony overlooking a park. Not long after we arrived back, I hear him yell out, "Baby! Come here!" I could tell by the tone of his voice something was not right. I run out to join him on the balcony when he points out to mid-air and says, "Did you see that?"

I have no idea what he’s pointing at. A few seconds later, a firefly blinks right in between us. He points at it and yells out, "That! That bug just lit up!"

I said, "Oh yeah, they are government bugs. They take photos of us periodically."





Mortified, he runs inside and sits down at his computer. A few minutes later I hear him yell out, "They're bloody fireflies."



All of these things happened within the first two years of us being together. We’ve been together 10 years, and we still strive to shock the shit out of each other, trick, or scare each other every chance we get.  How else are we supposed to keep it interesting?


Bottom line:  Australians are a breed their own, and I’m so thankful that I get to call one my husband.




Oh! And for those of you shocked by Miley Cyrus saying, "C*NT," in Australia it's the equivalent of "bitch" in the states. Aussies will completely disarm an American of the word in two weeks or less.


April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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