Growing up, I never wanted to be a mother. I never dreamt about having children. I wasn’t even into baby dolls. In my twenties, I insisted I was too selfish to be a good mother.
Then, I met my husband. The way he lit up around children... He made me less scared of the idea of bringing a child into this fu*ked up world.
At 33 years old, I had my first child, a boy. I hated the shit out of my pregnancy.
I look back on my pregnancy, and even though it was very uncomfortable physically and emotionally, I sometimes wonder if part of my issues really stemmed from my fear of becoming a mother. Like, I used my pregnancy as a scapegoat for that fear. Not really wanting to admit just how terrified I was. How much I thought about being a shitty mom.
In a few months, it’ll be six years since I gave birth to my first child. Over the past 5 1/2 years, I've been adamant about not wanting to have another child. I made peace with having an only child. Not to mention, my son has four cousins in the states and five cousins in, Australia. I decided they could be his siblings and I could get out of the second pregnancy.
And then, what really feels like out of the blue, I started wanting to have another baby. There was no, kick the idea around with the hubs. I wanted a baby. Now.
It took me an entire month to get my husband on board. I’ll be forty in May. I April, he’ll be forty-five. We’re not exactly spring chickens. But, that's OK! I regularly hear positive personal stories of advanced maternal/paternal age pregnancies. It like it's the new normal.
Of course, I still have fears about the possible 'high-risk' issues associated with advanced maternal age pregnancy. And according to science, after thirty-five my husband's sperm has mutated so many times, it’s all fu*ked up.
But, really, babies don’t have anything to do with science. There is no true anything when it comes to conceiving, pregnancy, and delivery. We all do pregnancy differently, feel it differently and react differently. Look at the people who tried IVF only to give up and two months later end up pregnant naturally. We ALL know that couple. Actually, I know three.
I can’t let science make this decision.
I had to let my heart make this decision, and, thankfully, after a bit of persuasion, my husband‘s heart agreed, too.
And, so, here we are. Trying for baby number two!
We both agreed that we’re going to give it a few months and if it’s meant to be, then we will have another baby. If not, we are so blessed to have our gorgeous little boy. A sibling or not, he'll be great. He already is.
