If you haven't heard of Pokémon Go, then you've probably just emerged from a cabin deep, deep in the woods, where millions of crazy-ass people running around chasing Pokémon Monsters on their phone hadn't reached you yet. Or you may have had a kid, or adult, point their phone at you screaming something that sounded like, Dildo! For the record, it was, Doduo. Or maybe your heard, Jigglyfuck? Nope, Jigglypuff. Don't worry, it's part of the game.
Now that Pokémania is raging harder than a viral tweet about Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris, it's time to break it down for those of you out there, scratching your heads in disbelief (Like me).
First, the gist of the game: Pokémon Go utilizes GPS location and augmented reality to create a virtual world that encourages players to find Pokémon at real-life locations, have virtual battles and chase monsters.
1. The game spreading twice as fast as a wildfire. According to analytics firm SimilarWeb, the game is bigger than Tinder on Android, and 60 percent of those who have downloaded it are playing it every day. In terms of daily active users, Pokémon Go recently took over Twitter AND Snapchat for daily user engagement.
2. World Wide work productivity is in the toilet. Dallas Mavericks players Devin Harris, Dwight Powell and Salah Mejri shared photos from the team's locker room with a Doduo (a two-headed bird whose special ability is listed, matter-of-factly, as "tangled feet"). League of Legends teams Cloud9 and Team SoloMid were caught playing the game when they should have been prepping for a match. In Texas, a man shared photos that went viral of his trying to catch a Pidgey, WHILE HIS WIFE WAS IN LABOR!
3. Traffic is jacked up, EVERYWHERE! Between Dumbasses failing to look up when crossing the road and Fat asses inching their cars down the street refusing to get out and walk, Pokémon Go is causing all kinds of traffic trouble. It's so bad, in NT Australia, Police urged Pokémon Go players to "look up, away from your phone and both ways before crossing the street. That Sandshrew isn't going anywhere fast." Side note: Even the police know the names and how to make jokes about this game! The game is set up to detect if you are in a car or on foot- you can only play the game when on foot. Seriously, if you see a car inching down the road, roll down your window and tell the lazy shit to get out and walk! You see, the game can detect the speed you are going, which must be under 5 miles an hour, so you have to be on foot to play.