10 Things The Pregnancy Books Are Afraid To Tell YouFor all my expecting readers, and moms who have had the pleasure of post-pregnancy amnesia... this one is for you...
1. Pregnancy is not an Event, it's a Process-Who ever said it was nine months was a damn liar! 40weeks=10 months Dumbass! 10 insane months that take you on the wildest most unexpected journey of your life.
2. Morning Sickness Is Only The Beginning of a LONG day- Speaking of Dumbasses...Morning sickness is really morning-noon-and-night sickness! So who ever called it Morning Sickness and got it to stick was clearly a male dumbass doctor! That shit lasts 24 hours a day for 20 weeks... or 40 weeks depending on... God knows what since no two doctors can agree on the exact cause of it.
3. Weight gain is inevitable- I don't care who you are - you're going to gain weight, so get over yourself and your size four jeans. Doctors recommend, depending on your size and weight, that you should not gain any more than 15-25 pounds. Sorry but, I call BULLSHIT on that! I have yet to meet ONE woman who gained 25 pounds or less. (Go ahead leave a comment below saying it was you, because when you do, 345,987,907 other women will leave a comment right after you saying, "WOW! Good for you, I gained 40+." Because 40+ is the average. If I can impart any real tip here, don't look at the scale, don't bother with that number, be healthy, eat right and take care of yourself, that is WAY healthier than focusing on gaining no more that 25 pounds.
4. Pregnancy induced exhaustion is inevitable, you have no control- The insane fatigue that takes over during the first and third trimesters is so freaking debilitating, and since caffeine is frowned upon, plan to do EVERYTHING during your second trimester.
5. Your hormones will rage harder than a pile of juggalos at an Insane Clown Posse concert- (Or swing more than a pile of kids on a playground, you pick...both apply.) I would have to say one of the most frustrating things about my pregnancy was the roller coaster ride of psycho hormones. I could laugh, cry, and get angry during a 30:second fabric softener commercial.
6. Paranoia will destroy ya- I spent my entire pregnancy scared something awful was going to happen. If my Morning sickness was really bad, I was afraid I was going to throw up the baby (Yes, I am a freak) or when my morning sickness went away, I was afraid the baby did too. Or when he would move too much, I was afraid he was having a seizure (Thanks for that Dr. Google) or when he wouldn't move, I was terrified. I got an ultra sound at 34 weeks because he didn’t move for a day- he was fine just breech and running out of room. If I would have horrible heartburn... I mean the list just goes on. Everyday I would worry. SUCKED!
7. Pregnancy cravings go WAY beyond 'Pickles & Ice Cream'- First of all, no one eats pickles and ice cream in the same damn bowl at the same damn time. My only guess as to why the combo is instantly attributed to pregos is because of two things, 1. Pregs love Sweet and Salty., 2. Pregnant women crave both pickles and Ice cream, but seriously, not at the same time! Now, as for cravings in general. I learned that the cravings were most times my body begging for dairy, or vitamins, or protein... there is a method to the madness.
8. Potty humor looses its luster- Man oh man, I love a shit or fart joke as much as the next guy, however, when I was pregnant, there was nothing funny about constipation, hemorrhoids and seedy public toilets. They hit too close to home. While it is funny hearing about a how your pregnant friend had to pee so bad she pulled into the dirtiest gas station in the scariest part of town, prepared to go toe-to-toe with the meanest gangster on the block to pee, however, when it happens to you... NOT FUNNY!
9. From Princess to Pregnant to Parent: Nothing will humble you like pregnancy-A friend of mine sent me this meme the other day with the caption, "Man how times have changed!"
I replied with, "No, it's still true. I said that the other day." Truthfully, MAN HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!! Nothing will humble you like being poked and prodded by numerous doctors for 40 weeks. And if that doesn't work, the massive weight gain, losing friends who are freaked out because kids scare them, swollen ankles and feet that no longer fit into your cute shoes, stretch marks, constipation, hemorrhoids, the awesome preggy waddle... and then the best part of all, complete strangers rubbing your belly like you are jolly little fat Buddha giving out wishes. Trust me, by the end of your 40-week journey; you will be a whole new kind of princess.
10. You may not be ready to be a mother now, but by the end of the 10 months, you will be more than ready to get on with it- I was terrified (from day one of pregnancy) of becoming a mother, but by the end of my pregnancy I was so damn ready to get on with it. I was tired of being pregnant and ready to feel normal again! I could not wait to meet the little guy who was practicing Kung Fu on my bladder 24 hours a day. I could not wait to see this little guy I had been talking to and rubbing on for the past 40 weeks. I couldn't wait to meet my, son.