First-Time Dad's Guide To Helping Around The House (FTD Humor Post)
I get it! I haven't posted anything for a while. I'm sorry but I've been busy with the bambino. We've been trying to help mummy have some quiet time by doing our chores.
Y'know, doing all the man-things that are required to keep the household running smoothly while the ole mamma just sits on the interwebs barking out commands from her sliding/gliding chair thingo munching on exotic fruit.
Here's some of the exciting things that I've reached MASTERCLASS levels in recently...
Vacuuming - Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to empty the thing every few days. I like to watch it fill right up to the top with crap and then you can hear it scream in pain.
You don't really have to do much with it either...just walk around a few times and throw it back in the closet. It's all about the noise!
Washing clothes - I remember my mum years ago telling me to separate the whites and the colours...Ha! Now in the 21st century with liquid soap technologies you can do whatever you want - sometimes there's a funny colour or two but you just hide those ones or throw 'em out. If the wife asks about 'em, just tell her the baby shat all over it and you had to bin it. The laundry room is also an awesome place to hide from the family!
Mopping/sweeping the floor - I utilise the base of the refrigerator as the handiest place to discard general debris with the broom, then by simply flicking a moist mop about a few times and yelling out "the floor's wet - I just mopped" you get another month or two before having to do it again.
Supermarket shopping - This is awesome fun! I don't know why the ladies complain so much. Did you know that in the deli section you can actually ask for a taste of pretty much anything? Also...when you first get there, go straight to the checkout lanes and rummage through the rubbish bins - there's hundreds of discarded coupons lying about for all sorts of cool stuff like brut deodorant or those new-fangled moist toilet wipes.
Cooking - Nothing new here. I've always prepared the meals. If ladies were any good at the delicate art of cooking, Jesus would have invented female chefs! ha ha ha.
Making the bed - Uggghhh...still makes me cringe! What a waste of time. The trick is to make the top comforter thingo look good and jam all the other sheets and stuff underneath so that no bits hang out. What a pain in the ass! Really! It's just gonna get messed up again at night anyways!
Cleaning the bathroom - easy! When having a shower, simply squirt a bit of the wifes shampoo on the tiles and use her puffy back-scratching thing to wipe the stuff around a bit - Then rinse! Spray a bit of Air freshener and * HEY PRESTO * sparkling clean.
Ahhhhhh I know that I'm a martyr, a dedicated father, a daddy-machine, a master blaster, the king of shit-cleanings! Tirelessly I strive each and every day to do the best I can to make that kid grow up healthy and strong and to pacify the wife. So ladies, get your men to help you out like I do and relax knowing that we can do everything you can but better and with no complaints!
TRUST US !!!