Nearly four years into parenting, I am still a first-time parent. I always will be. While it has gotten easier, and a little less shocking, my first-time parent tendencies shine through daily. Below are my First-Time Parent Fails. I Do Daily.
1. I overthink EVERYTHING. Including, lunches, playdates, trips to the park, snacks, bedtime... everything.
2. I try to keep my baby in a safety bubble. If I had my way, my kid would watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, while playing with Thomas the train, for three more years. I want my baby (three-year-old toddler) to stay an innocent, oblivious to the real world, baby for as long as possible.
3. Every night, I lay down with my son to help him go to sleep. I lay down with my toddler while he talks, sings, flips, flops, roundhouse kicks me, pokes me, pulls my hair, begs for water and insists he needs another hug and kiss for the four hundredth time. Every. Single. Freaking. Asshole. Night.
4. I blame myself for my kid's fails. Every time my kid does something incredibly naughty, I over analyze where I could have gone wrong in my parenting, rather than chalk it up to the nature of the (toddler) beast.
5. I'm scared to reprimand my son in public. As far as I know, society (and the media) dictates that if I reprimand my son in public it should be recorded, placed on YouTube to go viral and the police called. Well, no thank you. When my kid acts out, I lean down, quietly try to talk through it, and then I grin and bear it until we get to the car, then unleash an epic guilt trip about how horrible he was and how he can never ever go back into the store. The problem is, by this time, he's totally forgotten what he did wrong.
6. I still use baby wash, baby shampoo and baby lotion on my three-year-old, and see no end in sight. Surely at three he still has super sensitive skin. #Fail
7. I will wipe my son's ass as long as he asks. Again, no end in sight. Been-There-Done-That parents are like, here are some wet wipes and wash your hands when you're done. Well, I have tried that, and it's gross.
8. I freak out when I have to deviate from the "Routine." My entire life revolves around my child's needs and schedule. I plan everything around his routine. You see, that routine has been a saving grace many, many times. No way am I going to break it! Even if it makes FTD nuts when we have to leave a party early so I can get the kid to bed on time.
9. I have all kinds of future parenting delusions. (Ignorance is bliss) For example, I'm convinced that I can keep my son from video games until he is at least 10. You would think I would know by now, unless I actually keep my kid in a bubble in the backyard, boys will be boys. Kids will be kids. And I can think whatever I want. But by no stretch of the imagination can I plan more than a month ahead when it comes to my kid!
10. I put up with a ridiculous amount of bullshit. I'm being manipulated by an evil genius. I play into all kinds of toddler tricks. Especially when tears are involved.
12. If my kid sleeps one minute past his usual, I check on him. I swear I need a smack for this one. When my kid oversleeps, I'm sure he's dead, so I run right upstairs to check on him. The second I realize he is OK, (OF COURSE HE'S OK!) the relief is traded for misery when I realize I've woken beast being a paranoid ding-dong. TIP: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!