10/20/14

MAYDAY! The Toddler Is Filterless...

Oh you all, it's happened... My two-year-old is saying WHATEVER comes to his mind. Which, is extra scary since, FTD is his father and teaches him all kinds of nonsense that he is repeating. Remember the Dog Eggs incident? Every time the kid opens his mouth in public now, I hold my breath and brace myself. The toddler is absolutely filterless...
Unfortunately at only two,
he has a long way to go to fully grasping social etiquette.

I should have known I was going to be in trouble when two weeks ago he pointed to a bald man walking by and yelled, "LOOK NO HAIR LIKE DADDY!" These unsolicited comments have only ramped up and become more random.

Needless to say, I'm terrified now anytime someone asks him a question... I mean full-on butt cheek clenching, breath holding, escape route ready, TERRIFIED.

The other day we boarded the train at the zoo, and when the train conductor came by and greeted Ollie and I, Ollie replied with, "I'm going home for sleepy-time, because it's sleepy-time after the train." I nearly died! We hadn't even talked about it. Granted, we frequently will ride the train at the end of our visit to the zoo, because the stop for it is by the exit. Still, out of nowhere he offered that bit of info?

What really did me in was while we were sitting on the floor playing he let out an impressive fart for a 2-year-old, then announced:
"HA! I just farted. It came out of my butt and went into my pants. HAHAHA! Did you hear it? It filled my pants!"

Of course I tried my best not to laugh, because in a way he was actually trying to be matter-of-fact, and I needed to let him know that announcement was not necessary.  But then, much to my horror, when the FedEx guy showed up at the door a couple of minutes later, Ollie announced to him while I was signing:
"I just filled my pants with a fart. It was SO funny! My butt said, <Insert loud slobbery toddler fart noise>."
OMG!

Of course the guy laughed... I blushed, and shut the door.

This filterless sharing is becoming increasingly scary. I now live in fear wondering what he will say next, and to whom!

Clearly, nothing is off limits, and since he is clueless about 85% of social etiquette standards, I kind of have to let it play out to teach him. Anyone with a toddler will tell you, the minute I try to cover bases and tell him that he should not talk about this or that before the fact, he will run to the first person he sees and start repeating everything I told him not too, especially if he thought it was funny.


As if I thought it couldn't get any worse, I've had a few friends with older children warn me that this is really only the beginning, and that this phase of unsolicited sharing goes on for years.

YEARS.

One friend said her seven year old is still over sharing!

Five more years of my kid over-sharing? With a father like FTD instilling a wicked sense of humor and out-of-the-box way of seeing the world?

Yeah, I'm screwed.

Is your kid over-sharing? Please, let me know I am not along in this butt cheek clenching terror.

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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