8/8/14

Who Told My Kid There Was An Award With Cake For "The World's Craziest Toddler?"

Damn the terrible twos. DAMN THEM! And damn whoever told my kid there was an award with cake going to the World's Biggest Little Sh*t!

So far, my toddler's run at the terrible twos has:
  1. Advanced my hair greying by 62%
  2. Made me lose 44% hearing in both ears from the random no reason toddler screaming. 
  3. Caused deep forehead wrinkles from the numerous times a day I have to raise my eyebrows for the, "Are you kidding me right now," look.
  4. Inflicted permanent back pain from having to pick my flailing toddler off the ground during a random no reason toddler temper tantrum.
  5. Made me a huge liar when on numerous occasions I said things I SWORE I would never say that my mom said.

I hate to admit it, but I think all those moms are right, the terrible twos only get worse at three and four! Just when I think I have made a breakthrough on correcting one bad behavior, he replaces it with another.  Sucks.

The other day I was folding laundry, and in comes Ollie right over to the basket with the clean clothes in it, and sticks his dirty foot in the basket. I told him, No, please do not put your dirty foot on clean clothes... when he doesn't take his foot out, I help him.  The little shit tries to do it again, and again... and AGAIN!  I was crazed. Two timeouts later, he tried AGAIN! WHAT THE HELL??? I ended up putting the basket away and taking his favorite toy with me.  Sometimes there is just no getting through to him!!!

It also turns out that my sick childish sense of humor is not always helpful when raising a toddler.  While it's good that I can laugh at the really crappy parenting situations (eventually), it's not good that I laugh uncontrollably at the super naughty stuff my son does or says.  Now that Ollie is talking really well, I have nearly bitten my tongue or cheek off trying not to laugh.  It's terrible! 

The other day he said, "Mommy, my balls are itchy!"  OMG! I couldn't help myself... I laughed out loud. What toddler says that? I immediately called FTD to tell him, and he says, "Well, they probably were." I'll give you two guesses who taught him to call them "balls." I ended up having a longer talk with FTD about the the situation than Ollie. Which, I know was fruitless, there is no way around it, my kid is the son of FTD, he will have to be home schooled. 

Toddlers can be little terrors, and sometimes I'm positive that mine is leading the pack. It's clear that this age is going to be difficult with constant testing and naughty behavior. While my kid is really a very good boy, he is coming into this stage of independence and crazy behavior that I can tell is going to break me if I don't break it! Plus, no way can I let a two-year old think he has any chance at winning the war on who makes the rules. Mommy makes the rules! 

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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