6/20/14

5 Things The Parenting Books Don't Tell You

Have kids they said... It will be fun they said... LIARS!  Or, they were not parents who said it, but rather aunts and uncles who come pick up the kids, take them to an amusement park, jack them up on candy and crap, then return them later that day resembling exhausted gremlins.

My kid after an afternoon with aunt Jen. 
While I do love being a mother, and truthfully, my kid is a lo of fun, there are certainly some moments that suck, because they appear to be NEVER-FREAKING-ENDING! For that reason, I think the parenting books keep things from us parents, because then the book would not be about tips for parenting, but rather tips for birth control. Here are five of those not so awesome things about being a parent. (Spoiler Alert: This is really a rant from the mother of a toddler!)

1. Sleeplessness- By far the worst part about being a parent is the constant lack of sleep.  Once you become a parent, eight solid hours of uninterrupted sleep carries the same odd as winning the Lottery.   Newborns need round the clock care. Toddlers think they are roosters that need to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn, or worse, try to sleep in your bed with you, but really just kick the crap out of you all night long.  Kids five and older think early bedtime is for losers, then still wake up at 7am ready to rock. Teenagers are sure bedtime is for losers and stay up all night banging and clanging and then try to sleep all day. Then once your kid gets their driver's license, forget ever sleeping well again!  Sucks.

2. The mess. Kids are tiny tornadoes that rip through the house on a daily basis throwing everything out of order, while spilling drinks and snacks along the way. Between the dishes, spilled drinks and food and toys and clothes strewn about the house, it looks like we have had a raging college style party. Except somehow, a two-year-old made the mess! How does that happen?!  I start everyday with a clean house and spotless kitchen, by midday the place is a shithole! 

One day I will learn...
3. Constant fear- I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to my child.  Every time he coughs, gets a fever, tries something new, climbs on something, breathes... I am terrified something will happen to him. It's shear stupidity to worry so much, but such is the life of a parent. Sucks.

4. Having to be the bigger Asshole- Sometimes when my kid is a super A-hole, I have to out Asshole him to rectify the situation. My kid is so deep in the throws of the Terrible Toddler stage. He is constantly being naughty and testing every limit. A.k.a Being an A-hole. Because of this testing, I spend a good part of my day saying, No!, making threats, following through with the threats and being angry and frustrated, I feel like I am a big asshole too. It really sucks that I have to be the bigger A-hole to stop him from being one.  I have a feeling his will be the case throughout the teenage years too. Super sucks!

5. All the crap they want/need! Kids need a lot of crap!  It seems like the older they get the more they need! Between my son's constantly growing body and short attention span, if I am not buying new clothes and shoes, I am buying new toys or education development tools. Then the outgrown or unwanted stuff piles up because I cannot bring myself to give it away--I spent a ridiculous amount of money acquiring the stuff, I want to somehow figure out how to get my money's worth. I will most likely send my kid to college with 10k in hot wheels, Thomas The Tank crap and assorted electronics that promised to make him a genius. 

What about you? Anything to add to the list?

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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