10/25/13

Throw Back Friday-The STROLLER CHRONICLES (FTD POST!)

Ok, my dear friends and readers, my mother in-law will be here tomorrow.  Yes, I have so much to do, not enough time to do it in, and a man-child and child-man to work around.
A hairstyle only a son could love.


So, I thought would dig up an old post to share with you. Being that it is Friday, I went for something funny.  I went for something FTD wrote!


The STROLLER CHRONICLES-By First Time Dad

Heya future and new dads, listen up!+++++++++++++++++++++++

Remember the pre-baby days when the 'ole wife/girlfriend insisted on dropping a weeks salary on a complete "infant travel system"?  Do you recollect the hours of trudging about babiesRus, target and every other bloody mall in between hunting down the BEST colour, deal or extra plastic crap to attach to the silly thing?  The backseat mirrors with spotty frogs, the floppy-stretchy hanging thingos, a few extra seat bases for the extended family...

Remember getting home and taking the manly responsibility for assembly?  The sweat dripping down the brow as you finally managed to work out the bastard stroller with it's "child-proof" latches and buttons.  Standing proudly with your hands on your waist - I expect that you, like me, pushed the thing around the house a few times and then shoved it in the corner of the nursery wondering WHEN the baby comes how much fun are you're gonna have...  Thoughts of happy future Daddy strolling about the streets in summer with a plastic 64 ouncer of beer in the drink holder, cash and cell phone in the convenient stow-away compartment, happy gurgling baby playing with the toys while you experience the great outdoors.

Well - sorry to burst the bubble future Dads...but you can kiss those dreams goodbye!  What a pain in the arse!  Like changing diapers, washing shitty baby clothes and sleepless nights - strolling around town can become a Dad's worst nightmare!

Here's some of my favorite stroller excitements.

*CUPHOLDERS*
Whoever designs the cup holders is a real bastard.  They purposely make them shallow so that at any slight hint of a bump or sidewalk crack causes a few ounces of beer to spill over and conveniently drain straight into the compartment where the iphone and wallet sit in.  Of course you don't know it until you try and make a call and discover a sticky mess with your cash stuck together and totally stuffed up phone.  Take my advice and steal one of the baby’s unspillable sippy-cups and fill it with unmixed hard liquor...just don't leave it within reach of baby. 

*OLD GRANNIES*
Wherever you go...the park, the mall, the shops, the bakery, the pizza shop, the public bloody toilet - somehow there's an old granny waiting to pounce.  "ooohhhh what a cute baby" sheesh! RUN! They grab, they pinch, they tell stories, they'll poke at the guts, pull the cheeks and they seem to do it JUST when you got the kid to sleep.  THEN there's the questions...Is it a boy or a girl? Is he yours? Is this your first GRANDSON?!? Are you a single dad? Avoid them at all costs!

*TEENAGE GIRLS*
It's always worth having a bit of fun with those obnoxious packs of teenage girls that strut about public places giggling and screaming about bloody Justin Bieber, blocking the sidewalk and generally causing mayhem. Babies are like cancer to them.  On seeing the stroller they'll trip each other up to get outta the way...they'll blush and become deathly silent!  I usually ram the stroller inbetween the pack and at the optimal time say something like "tsk tsk tsk...this is what happens when you kiss boys!" 

*SMOKERS*
Smokers - Okay...I used to be a smoker so I know how it is, but if you see a frazzled dad with a stroller sitting alone outside a bar having a nice cold beer after a long walk WHY in the name of Jesus H Christ would you sit down in the next friggin chair, light up a ciggie and start blowing smoke rings at the baby?  "my mom and dad used to smoke when I was a baby and I turned out alright..." NAH - you didn't buddy! You're an arsehole! 

*FORGOT THE KEYS*
You're all packed and ready to go!  Baby is excited, daddy's sippy-cup is full of bourbon - you shut the front door and as the ominous +click+ hits your ears you realise that you forgot the bloody house keys again!  Yeah...it happens to the best of us.  Keep a spare hidden somewhere or you risk having to call the wife or crawl through the back window.

*GOING TO THE PUBLIC TOILET*
What the heck ARE you supposed to do? Your typical male public toilet has three urinals and a couple of shitters.  For ladies that don't know...there's usually a pool of piss on the floor and a wad or two of semi-used ass-paper stuck to the porcelain.  You can't fit the stroller in the cubicle with you so you have to take a whizz with your back to the kid which is a huge NO NO because most American guys seem to take a pizz and never wash their hands.  They do their business...see baby and VOILA...pull the cheeks with pissy hands - JEEZ!!! HA - I have the answer!  If it's busy then just wheel the stroller into a cubicle, tactfully shut the door and leave the baby there until you're done at the urinal then return to the crapper to get the stroller and race the hell outta there. Or...be a prick and use the disabled luxury suite instead.

*RESTAURANT DINING*
Awesome to watch the faces of other diners as you're led to your table with the baby capsule in one hand and the diaper bag in the other.  You can almost see them wincing with pain as they watch you get closer. "NOT me, NOT me! Don't put them here!" fair enough too!  It seems that the moment the food is ordered the kid either wakes from happy sleepy time with ear-shattering screams that would make Satan cry OR he'll casually drop a monster load of crap that burns the nostrils and starts melting the diaper. WONDERFUL!  Trust me...Don't even bother going anywhere.  Stay at home and get delivery.

*KEEPING UP WITH THE BLOODY JONESes*
No matter how safe, fancy, expensive or styling your baby hardware is...you can be assured that some smug prick has something better which will usually mean that the wife will want an upgrade when she sees something new. 
 
We've all seen those packs of women standing about kiddie areas of the local parks wearing loose-fitting fluorescent clothing, sucking on giant bottles of imported water and bent over strollers that look like European sportscars.  WHATEVER YOU DO...NEVER go anywhere near 'em!  You'll end up having to take out a personal loan to keep up with the ever-changing fashions!  If you get the latest Swedish stroller system then next month the wife will insist on the French one.  Some idiot will make a hippie "green" bamboo one and then two months later the tactical military stroller will be the kit of choice - what a load of balls!  Steer well clear!   

STROLL HARD, STROLL LONG, STROLL WITH SCOTCH!
WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!







Two confused parents=One amused baby Hopelessly we are trying raise a baby who is clearly smarter than both of us. In addition to being the founder of First Time Mom and Dad, April is an award-winning published writer. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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