Six weeks ago FTD took a full-time job, leaving me to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Prior to taking the job, FTD was an IT contractor, so he was able to set his schedule. We had a great thing going that allowed us to both to work on our careers, his consulting and my writing. Now, he is working ALL THE DAMN TIME! He leaves the house at 7:30am and does not get home until well after 5 Monday thru Friday, and more times than not so far, works on the weekends too. This new schedule basically has me with Ollie nearly 6 days a week, and the seventh we spend together as a family. Ugh. It's just too much.
I NEVER in my life thought I would be a SAHM. Never. Ever. Never.
Some days I full-on loathe being a SAHM. Some days I find enjoyment. Some days, I cry all day from the feeling of unfulfillment in life, and loneliness. Some days I cry all day just because I am feeling sorry for myself. FTD comes home talking about work and I get so jealous. I miss working. I miss my executive office. I miss feeling important (to more than a toddler), I miss cute shoes, I miss great clothes and haircuts. I miss so much. Most of all I miss the free spirited fun loving, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants life I had before diaper bags, strollers and temper tantrums.
I try to remind myself how blessed I am to be able to stay home with my son. I know I will never get this time back. Being able to see every reached milestone, hear every new word as it comes out, and to be that full-time caregiver for my son is a true blessing. I truly know this... BUT! I cannot help but wish for more out of my life! I want SO. MUCH. MORE.
|For the box "What I really do" the lady should also be holding a toddler while doing the housework, or chasing a toddler with clothes and a diaper.|
I have so many dreams, and some days I feel like it is near impossible to even have one come true. Those days I especially cry and feel sorry for myself. Those days I see nothing but the ass wiping, toy picking-up and kids shows. Those days I dream of sending Ollie to daycare and going back to work. Those days I call FTD at work and tell him I am the worst mother in the world, and that Ollie deserves better.
I really do not think I am cut out for being a SAHM. I cannot stand being "ON" for my son all day. I can only make so many Thomas the Tank train tracks, just to have them demolished SECONDS later. I can only read the same damn book, out of the stack of one-hundred, so many times, I can only watch the SAME Mickey Mouse or Wiggles, before wanting to put something through the TV--However, those shows help me to have a few minutes to myself, so I refrain from TV smashing.
Some days I am certain that I cannot do this SAHM thing anymore. I need more. Then I cry because I am an awful mother for not being 100% thankful for this time. Lately my life has become a vicious cycle that is full of ups and downs. I constantly remind myself that this time will pass, and that I will be so thankful for it. Then I feel like an ass for even feeling bad. Then I get mad because I do deserve more. Then the cycle repeats... This is pretty much how I waste the all important nap time.
I really just don't know what to think or do sometimes. I know I am lucky, I know ten years down the road I will look back and be thankful for this time, but the bottom line is that if I do not find something for myself to do or look forward to each week, AWAY from Ollie and FTD I will losing my fucking mind. Lose it! Maybe I already have...
I look at the other SAH-parents, especially ones with multiples, and wonder how in the hell they do it? How do they stay sane AND fulfilled while devoting 24/7 to their children. Is it just me loosing it? Surely it's not! Surely there is another SAH-Parents crying at nap time, wishing for more. Right?
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