10/2/13

Epic Fail: This is what happens when daddy takes over the shopping....

My friends, today FTD is going to wow and amaze you.  Probably make you laugh a little a lot too. Believe it or not, he has really outdone himself this time... To say he was proud if himself for what he did... Well, that would be a gross understatement.  He did a "Damn-Right-I-Bought-That Dance every time I held up something while shaking my head.



Here is a little hump day humor for you...


All last week I was out of it with a RAGING ear infection.  It all started with what I thought was a small infection from an earring.  Then two days later my entire ear was swollen.  OH. MAH. GAWD.  It was SO painful.  I went to work on it with a topical antibiotic, but when I woke up the next morning to the left side of my face being swollen... yeah, I went to the doctor. Long story longer, still, the infection spread...  I was having an allergic reaction to BOTH the soap and antibiotic ointment I used prior to seeing the doctor.  SUCKED.   So, this whole debacle rendered me down and out throwing a massive pity party. ( No worries, I am almost all better now!)


FTD, being the ever ready to help husband that he is, offered to do the grocery shopping for the week while I stayed home with my feet up. (Read:  FTD LOVES the grocery store and was SO SO SO SO excited about going.) I gave him a list with a few items that we needed, but being that he was also offering to do all of the cooking until I felt better, I left the meals open to him.  Clearly, I was in a bad way to go to not realize what a huge mistake I was making letting him have free reign of both the grocery store and our meals... (For those of you just now joining us, FTD is an Australian overgrown child who thinks American Grocery stores, and their "insane selection of food", are more awesome than Disney World.)

You all... TWO hours later he returns with... with... well... I don't even know how to explain it... FTD really out did himself.  Lucky for you, once I finished wiping the tears away from my eyes, from both hysterical laughter and a little fear mixed in, I grabbed the camera.

Allow me to present FTD's Grocery Shopping Extravaganza...


That my friends... Is the face of a very proud man.
What's that he is holding up you ask? Well, I am actually not that sure.  
They call them, Chicken Nibblers?
Chicken Whaaaa?
He was so excited about these.
All night long it was Chicken Nibbler this and Chicken Nibbler that.
Seriously.
So, I ask the normal question... What's for dinner?  Let it be known, I was terrified of the answer...

He gives me a huge excited smile, picks up this can, a pack of Hot dogs and some Buttermilk Bread and says, CHILI DOGS!!!

OH. MY GOD... This is really happening....

FTD could see that I was not impressed, so he handed me this pot pie and said, "Here. I figured you would not want my awesome American chili macaroni hot dog delight, so I got you an American Pot Pie!


Shit.

I didn't even know where to start with that statement, so I looked desperately for something else to feed us. I dug out this Pizza and thought, OK I can work with this...


That's when FTD says, SURPRISE! The Pizza is for a Friday Night date night.  He then shows me the Beer and "Imitation Crab Meat Cheese Ball" he has picked up for our "Hor d'oeuvres."  

Shit.

Oh!  The Manager's Special Even!  

I wanted to drink them all. Out of a beer bong. Immediately. 

Next he pulls out this cheese, stating it is the most awesome cheese ever, becuse it is a blend of cheese and "Pasteurized process cheese food with Jalapeño Peppers". I am then treated to a horrible rendition of some strange Mexican Song he is making up as he goes along...


My friends, you CANNOT make this shit up!

Here is an enlarged close up of his complete bounty. You will not believe all of the crap he got....


Why yes, that is an Apple Pie, Pot Pie, pack of Hot Dogs and macaroni salad. I can only hope that one day the shiny newness of our American Grocery stores packed with American processed goodness will eventually wear off...
Please note, he did pick up my yogurt, hummus and Ollie's Organic chicken... the rest is ALL him! The next day we put together a thought out shopping list and then put a cardiologist on speed dial until all of the atrocious food was removed from the house... you know, just to be on the safe side....


OH! He got all of that crap for a grand total of $36!  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE???



Disclaimer:  I love that man.  LOVE LOVE LOVE! I give him the business all the time for being so cheeky and silly, but that is the best part about him. Once I finished laughing at him and making fun of his ridiculous bounty of food, I showered him with love and kisses and thank yous for going to the store and providing for his family.  I promise, I know I give him shit all of the time, but that FTD... He is good stuff.

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April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com

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